I Can't

This word to me has always been the worst word to me, worse than swearing.  It means failure.  It means you quit trying.  It means you never will because you have told yourself you won't.  My softball kids would run extra just for saying it.

Today, I say it.

I can't do it with Vanilla Horndog.  I can't say it is okay that we date and he dates other people.  I can't do it.  Yesterday I saw that he was online on the dating site that me met on.  I know, it meant I was online too.  But it was in that moment that all the doubts and insecurities came creeping back in.  The feelings came back of what it felt like the day I found out he was in a relationship with someone else when two days earlier he was wanting to get together. 

Then I went home and trolled on Facebook.  It is amazing how much you can learn about a person doing that.  People really should learn to lock accounts down.  Then again, only after I get what I needed.  In trolling, I found out how involved she was in VHD's life and how much I wasn't.  I found out how she did Thanksgiving with his family, where I never have met his daughters.  It has stung like no other.

And I realized I can't.  Knowing he is on the dating site and meeting new girls, I can't sit around and wait for the day to come that once again, I'm not good enough and he wants a relationship with someone else. 

I have told him as much.  He called twice last night and I just couldn't talk to him or about it.  I can't.  I sent him a text that I couldn't talk about it.  I told him I care too much for someone that doesn't feel the same.  I deserve to be part of someone's whole life and not a snip it.  I am too insecure to know that one day he makes me feel so special and the next he could be on a date with another.  I need off the emotional roller coaster I create in my life when it comes to him.  I need space and time.

He called again this morning.  Apparently my words are lost on him.  I ignored the call.  He sent me a message, 'Call me NOW'.  Fortunately I was on a conference call and told him I couldn't with the question why?  I got a 'What is wrong with you'?  Why does something have to be wrong when I can't share? 

I called him back and got the same question, 'What is wrong with you?'.  I told him I just couldn't do it.  He was like, we talked about it and you said you could.  I just want to say that knowing she is good enough to spend Thanksgiving with your family when you are "not" in a relationship means that I am not good enough period, but I didn't.  I just told him I can't, I changed my mind. 

He was going into a meeting and said he would call back.  Something tells me he will but I just don't know if I can answer it.  My feelings have been put out there.  I can't make him decide to date just me, but I can decide that I deserve more in life than to just be a one of many for Vanilla Horndog.

So, today I can't.  Yesterday I couldn't.  Tomorrow doesn't look good either.  It hurts but I can't do it anymore.  What do they say, if you love something let it go, if it comes back, it was yours, if it doesn't, it never was?

I'll close with a quote from Marilyn Monroe:
I believe that everything happens for a reason. People change so you can learn to let go. Things go wrong so you can appreciate them when they're right. You believe lies so you eventually learn to trust no one but yourself. And sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together.