Cinco de Mayo

Today (okay more like the past hour), I have been in a purge, garage sale, love it mode.  My philosophy is that if I don't love it and it doesn't bring me happiness, I should not keep it.  From there it goes to the trash or the garage sale pile.  I'm pretty sure I have enough crap that will become another man's treasure.

This adventure brought me to a notebook.  What a blast from the past.  I'm pretty sure that if I had this blog and wrote this on here that day....it makes me wonder where life would have ended up and if things would have changed sooner?  No one knows but I thought I would share a glimpse into the past that I hid for so long from everyone.  Of course, now that the fog has really lifted...what in the HELL was I thinking then?!?!

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May 5, 2007 - Cinco de Mayo (One month & a day into moving to Texas)

I thought I needed to start writing things down again.  Ex isn't home tonight and it is really my first night alone since moving here.  It has been a rough transition in Austin from a couple of fronts.  First is the job factor - I never could of imagined it being this hard trying to find a job.  Ex has been so great & supportive about it but it just bothers me.  I know I just need to be patient and the right job will come at the right time.  Of course, then again, patience was never my strong point.  The other problem has been (the) Ex & his drinking.  He wants to prove he can just be okay with beer but it has been a struggle.  I know he continues to hide alcohol from me.  It breaks my heart.  I know what I was getting into but things were so great last fall when he was not drinking.  Thursday night I saw the rage and hatred in his eyes that scared me to death last fall.  I cannot tell him to stop drinking, he has to want to do it on his own.  God, it just hurts me so much he is so mean & hateful  when he drinks & it feels like he exploits my every weakness & fear when he is that way.  I worry about what our future will be like - what happens with the stress of getting married - commitment or permanent hasn't really been there or what if something ever happened health wise with a child.  He doesn't handle stress well, admits it but continues to deal with it through alcohol.  I love him with all my heart & couldn't of ever imagined meet the good (Ex) let alone ever know he picked me.  I do want a future with him, I can't imagine one where he isn't in it but there is always that fear with the alcohol & his desire to still hide it.  It just creates a doubt when I find the empty bottles - sometimes I fear that it just isn't the alcohol he isn't be honest about.  If that is so easy to hide from me what else is there?  The one thing I know I cannot continue to do is deal with it with food.  The stress binge eating or eating just because I am bored isn't an excuse anymore.  I have the power to make choices & do something about it.  I have chose to be a victim in my life for too long and now need to be the owner of my life & future!

Plan of Action for Sunday:
Church, time for family, groceries, clean floors, weights, & walk Guinness

Tomorrow is a new day.  Every morning that I wake up next to (the) Ex is another day blessed in my life.


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All I can say is thank God the fog lifted and I realized that my life was so much better AND Blessed without the Ex in my life.    And now that sheet can go to the trash pile.