FML

So it has been forever and a day since I blogged.  But, having one of those days and talking on the phone isn't going to solve it so might as well write it.

Honestly, I swear life just keeps throwning hits at me and I am tired of it.  I am tired of them coming, I am tired of rolling with them and just want them to stop.  WTF did I do to deserve this life, I mean really?  Why try?

Let's start with this past Monday.  A busy, stressful day at work.  Enjoying an atomic fireball, seeming relatively easy.  Well, apparently I was not done with it like I thought and bit down into it.  End result, a broken tooth.  Now I get to shell out $616 (after insurance) on Monday to have a crown put on.  My cousin turns 30 and everyone was going to Vegas to celebrate.  I was going, was being the important word.  Now, alll the money I had responsibly saved now gets to go to pay for a crown.  FML, why can't I just have some down time?  Why does this stuff always happen to me.

Then came yesterday.  NoDIY was still out there and outside of not having time to see each other things were still okay.  He invited me over on Thursday night  but I had already got to a friends house and couldn't go.  Friday night I had stopped by his job site just to say hi since we just had been able to see each other.  We had planned on getting together yesterday.  Well, with SXSW in town he wanted to meet me a friends house so we could all go check out some live music, go out to dinner, etc.  He told me to pack my swim suit so we could all go hot tubbing later, etc. 

Well, things were going well.  A group of us went from his friends house over to the local pub and were having a great time.  One of his female friends even complimented me saying I was the prettiest girl he had ever dated.  Around 12ish, we headed back over to his friends house.  Apparently there was issues with the hot tub heating up and one by one, everyone trickled out.  I couldn't stay awake any longer, was drunk and went and crashed on the couch.  At that point, NoDIY and I were the only two that were still up.  He stayed outside by the fire.  At 2:30ish, I woke up to a huge crash sound like something broke.  Apparently a bunch of girls had showed up and one of them knocked over a lamp trying to go back outside. 

I was drunk and just so confused.  I didn't now how my date night some how turned into him having more girls show up and getting into the hot tub.  I honestly laid there for a long time trying to decide what to do.  I  finally just opted to go out the front door and head home around 3:30.  I sent him a text that told him I left.

Well, ultimately I was up until after 5 am talking via text messaging with him.  Needless to say, I called out to Lowes today.  All I kept hearing was that I was jealous, insecure and should of come out and said goodbye. How he told the girls who I was, how it was his life and how he had all these friends.  Between then and all afternoon I have heard that I am too much a good girl and just wont fit into his lifestyle. 

At the end of the day, I don't think I am upset with as much as NoDIY working out, although I really would of liked it to, but that it is just another relationship that didn't work out.  I don't get how I can be so independent, own my own house and then feel so insecure.  FML.  Is it too much to think there is a guy out there for me and that I could have kids.  Every day, month, date, year that goes by, I have one more day that I have to face that I will never have kids, probably will never be married and will be alone. 

It is so fucking hard.  Everyone I am surrounded by has someone.  They have kids, they have a husband, they have a boyfriend.  I won't get into how as life gets hectic for those friends, I am the one that falls off of the radar.  They all have their go to person and I have nobody.  Some days I hate living in Texas but in reality it is those days that I am feeling all alone.  At the end of the day, it isn't Texas.  I would still have the friends that are busy back home that forgot I was here. 

Here I am, the good girl that has tried to do everything right and life and I have nobody to share it with.  Why can't it be easy for me, just once?  Is that too much to ask for?  FML

Oh yeah, for good measure I got another email from a new guy on Match.com, he is looking for a friends with benefits.  FML.  I don't want to be that girl.