Tuesday, March 29, 2011

Ahhhh Finn

The stress Finn creates in my life some days is unbelievable and never ending for that matter. I am on a constant basis of repairing fence pickets he chews through trying to see the neighbor dog, always having to fence around plants so he doesn't eat them, and it goes on.

So, why would Monday be any different? I was off from work on Monday to have the temporary crown put on for the broken Atomic Fireball tooth. Well, I let the two munchkins outside to stretch their legs because they were driving me crazy. It was beautiful out, about 80 although a tad humid. About a half hour in to the trip outside, Finn had started barking. He has this fascination with the neighbor dog and runs up and down the fence trying to see him and ends up barking at him. Well, when he barks, he comes in.

So, I head outside to bring him in. I holler at him "inside". He comes running and heads to his crate because he knows he shouldn't bark. He was panting really hard when he came in and didn't really think much of it. But then I noticed he was sucking air hard and was making this wheezing sound like his air way was blocked. Given his love for eating wood, I thought maybe something was caught. So, I started patting him to see if he could cough anything up. He just kept pacing and never could get comfortable. Then he started yakking, yakking foamy saliva. I knew it wasn't good and he was in trouble. I called the vet and they said bring him in now.

Off to the vet we race. Now it seemed like a lifetime, but in reality, it was probably 10 minutes time between when I brought him inside and walked into the vet’s office. They started with the hi, can I…..and then they saw Finn limp in my arms. They raced him off to the back and someone came back out to have me fill out paperwork.

The next two hours were just a whirl. First a tech came out to see if there were any allergies, what was he doing, could it be a bee sting, all these questions. They had to intubate him so he could breathe because he was turning purple by the time I got him there. Then another vet came out and said they still don’t know what is going on but believes that it is Heat Stroke. His temperature topped the thermometer at 108 and he actual temp was probably higher. They had put him on IV room temperature fluids as well as giving him a bath in the hopes of cooling him down.

His prognosis was not good. They described him as near death and his prognosis was listed as Poor to Guarded. He was stable for the time but was now having constant seizures. They let me go back there and it was so hard to see him with the seizures. I took the picture here just because I was so afraid it was going to be the last time I seen him. Every time they gave him something for the seizure, it would stop them for a time and then they would start back up. The vet just kept saying the next 24 to 36 hours would determine his recovery. They had no idea how much brain damage and internal organ damage was done. He had already shown signs of blood in his urine and bloody diarrhea, both a sign of his GI tract under stress. At 3:30 they told me to go home and get some rest. I would need to be back at 5:30 to transport him to the overnight Emergency Vet.

At 5:30 I went back to the Vet’s office. They were so busy and I felt guilty because I am sure Finn’s emergency did not help their situation. Someone was constantly looking over the little guy while he was there. The office was supposed to close at 6 but I think it was finally 6:30 when they carried him out on a doggy stretcher to my car. Off to the other vet we went. He was moving around in the back of the Jeep and I had to keep talking to him to try and keep him calm. He kept trying to lift his head up and then you would hear a thunk because he couldn’t support it.

A tech met us outside and carried him straight to the back. I was put in a room and told to wait. You know how you see the movies where people are in this room and time seems to stand still and they just hear the click, click, click of the clock. Yep, that was my world. The Critical Care Vet finally came in to talk to me. Again, she reiterated what I knew, his prognosis was not good. He even smelled of death and they worried his GI tract would not recover. On the positive side, he had not had a seizure since I had transferred him.

I was given a couple of options, well if you want to call it that. One option that was not available was to just give him fluids for the night and see how he responds. My first option was, well probably not an option, but was to put him down. The other option was what I deemed the Hail Mary Pass, and it wasn’t going to be cheap. The low estimate was $700+. They wanted to give him a plasma transfusion to see if they could help with the clotting issues. At that point, his blood was not clotting properly and they were afraid he would throw a clot into his brain, lungs, or heart. Now, depending on his response and if they had to do a second plasma transfusion, they were talking almost $1200. Keep in mind I had already shelled out $500+ when I transferred him.

Then I had the decision that you never want to make, ever, Human or animal! In the event that his heart would stop, do you want to use life saving measures? My only thought was that at this point, the only thing he had going for him the past 7 hours is that his heart had been strong. So, believing that was a sign, I told them that if his heart would stop, let him go. I finally headed home around 8:30 pm after saying good-bye feeling exhausted. However, before I left, I got to see him one last time and even though he couldn’t hold his head up as much as he tried, his little tail was going 900 miles a minute.

After speaking with my family, I did what I only knew that was left that I could do and that was Pray. Pray to God that he makes it an easy decision. If I need to let him go, then make it obvious that it was time to go. If God wants to heal Finn, please heal him. I prayed the Rosary and hoped God would make things clear by first light. I called at 10:30 to check on him one last time and I was told there was no change. He was still neurotic, but there had been no seizures and they were just beginning the plasma transfusion.

It was definitely a restless night of sleep. I woke up at 4:30 thinking I should call. But then, I kept telling myself that I had to be there by 6 to transport him back to the other vet so there was no need to call. They hadn’t called in the night, so that meant there was no change and he wasn’t gone. So that had to be good, right? I had come to peace with things in the night and if he hadn’t improved, I needed to let him go.

Off to the Emergency Vet I went at 5:45 am. I patiently waited my turn to hear the news. The vet sat down next to me and I was prepared for the worst, prepared to take him to the other vet and put him down. But, instead I was greeted with the news that Finn responded incredibly well to the plasma transfusion and was even trying to walk! The assistant even told me that at 2 am she couldn’t take it anymore and actually took him outside for a bit. He was very wobbly on his legs and reminded me of a newborn calf, they just never are steady on their legs when they first start out.

The Vet said that while all of this is a good sign, they don’t know if he just weak on his legs or if it is permanent brain damage. Plus there was the issue of his GI tract recovering, if at all. She said we were definitely not out of the woods and more than likely I would be shuttling him between the two facilities the rest of the week. 

Of course, Finn was much more alert on this transport and was not interested in laying down. He kept trying to stand up and then fall down on the back seat. Then there was the issue of the catheter. He had one in for his IV port and then still had the urine one hooked up. Well, being Finn’s normal self, much to me telling him no, managed to chew through the IV port. Needless to say, blood started coming out and of course he couldn’t be still so it ended up all over the back seat, doors and windows. Ugggh! Of course, I should of recognized that as a sign from God that he was going to be just fine, he was making my life miserable again. Thank goodness for Vinyl seats!

I wrapped him in a blanket and carried him into the Vets office just so I didn’t get blood everywhere. I do believe they were surprised just to see him alert. I helped them clean up the mess and get the port out so they could start a new IV. Finally was back on my way home at 8:30. The only downside of this was I was just looking to go home and get some sleep. But, I couldn’t turn my phone off in case they called and everyone kept calling and texting to see how the little guy was doing. I called at 10:30 because DC was asking how he was doing and was told not much change, about the same.

After a good nap, I called in about 12:30 just to see how he was doing. They said he was doing great! He was alert and paying attention to everything going on in the back. He was getting excited when people would talk to him. I asked if I should bring up some food and was told that would be great. By the time that I got there, they had already given him some and told me I could go back and see him. Finn Finn was excited to see mamma! Lots of tail wags and kisses. I tried to open the kennel door but quickly realized that was a bad idea because he was trying to get out. I fed him some food and that became a project because he kept biting my finger trying to get the food. He had a silly cone on his head because he was still being difficult with the IV. He was NOT a happy camper when Momma left and the Vet said that is a great sign!

The plan was to come back at 5:30 and do the same process again as the night before. So, I went home and did some yard work just to get my mind off of things. After a quick shower, I headed back and was told that instead of transporting him to the Emergency Clinic, he was coming home! I would bring him back in the morning so they could keep an eye on him, but he was coming home. He definitely was still wobbly on his feet but appeared to be doing much better than when I picked him up from the Emergency Clinic.

Three days letter, Finn keeps getting stronger and back to his old self. I have had a few barks out of him so I know the voice is working fine. He definitely pees a lot so I don’t know if that is from the IV fluids or something long term. But, the good news is that his poo is hard, which means his GI tract will be fine. Long term, a lot remains unknown but every day is a gift from God with him and one we will celebrate!

Sunday, March 20, 2011

Trust and Listening

It was as if God knew what I needed today.  I drug myself out of bed tonight and went to 5 o'clock service.  The subject of the homily was Listening & Trust and how you can't really listen without Trusting.  Of course, I know with my past I can't trust.  Guess it is on me.


So it has been forever and a day since I blogged.  But, having one of those days and talking on the phone isn't going to solve it so might as well write it.

Honestly, I swear life just keeps throwning hits at me and I am tired of it.  I am tired of them coming, I am tired of rolling with them and just want them to stop.  WTF did I do to deserve this life, I mean really?  Why try?

Let's start with this past Monday.  A busy, stressful day at work.  Enjoying an atomic fireball, seeming relatively easy.  Well, apparently I was not done with it like I thought and bit down into it.  End result, a broken tooth.  Now I get to shell out $616 (after insurance) on Monday to have a crown put on.  My cousin turns 30 and everyone was going to Vegas to celebrate.  I was going, was being the important word.  Now, alll the money I had responsibly saved now gets to go to pay for a crown.  FML, why can't I just have some down time?  Why does this stuff always happen to me.

Then came yesterday.  NoDIY was still out there and outside of not having time to see each other things were still okay.  He invited me over on Thursday night  but I had already got to a friends house and couldn't go.  Friday night I had stopped by his job site just to say hi since we just had been able to see each other.  We had planned on getting together yesterday.  Well, with SXSW in town he wanted to meet me a friends house so we could all go check out some live music, go out to dinner, etc.  He told me to pack my swim suit so we could all go hot tubbing later, etc. 

Well, things were going well.  A group of us went from his friends house over to the local pub and were having a great time.  One of his female friends even complimented me saying I was the prettiest girl he had ever dated.  Around 12ish, we headed back over to his friends house.  Apparently there was issues with the hot tub heating up and one by one, everyone trickled out.  I couldn't stay awake any longer, was drunk and went and crashed on the couch.  At that point, NoDIY and I were the only two that were still up.  He stayed outside by the fire.  At 2:30ish, I woke up to a huge crash sound like something broke.  Apparently a bunch of girls had showed up and one of them knocked over a lamp trying to go back outside. 

I was drunk and just so confused.  I didn't now how my date night some how turned into him having more girls show up and getting into the hot tub.  I honestly laid there for a long time trying to decide what to do.  I  finally just opted to go out the front door and head home around 3:30.  I sent him a text that told him I left.

Well, ultimately I was up until after 5 am talking via text messaging with him.  Needless to say, I called out to Lowes today.  All I kept hearing was that I was jealous, insecure and should of come out and said goodbye. How he told the girls who I was, how it was his life and how he had all these friends.  Between then and all afternoon I have heard that I am too much a good girl and just wont fit into his lifestyle. 

At the end of the day, I don't think I am upset with as much as NoDIY working out, although I really would of liked it to, but that it is just another relationship that didn't work out.  I don't get how I can be so independent, own my own house and then feel so insecure.  FML.  Is it too much to think there is a guy out there for me and that I could have kids.  Every day, month, date, year that goes by, I have one more day that I have to face that I will never have kids, probably will never be married and will be alone. 

It is so fucking hard.  Everyone I am surrounded by has someone.  They have kids, they have a husband, they have a boyfriend.  I won't get into how as life gets hectic for those friends, I am the one that falls off of the radar.  They all have their go to person and I have nobody.  Some days I hate living in Texas but in reality it is those days that I am feeling all alone.  At the end of the day, it isn't Texas.  I would still have the friends that are busy back home that forgot I was here. 

Here I am, the good girl that has tried to do everything right and life and I have nobody to share it with.  Why can't it be easy for me, just once?  Is that too much to ask for?  FML

Oh yeah, for good measure I got another email from a new guy on Match.com, he is looking for a friends with benefits.  FML.  I don't want to be that girl.