A New Doctor For the New Doctor

That is what I need.  I don't like the new doctor's new message, so the logical solution is find a new doctor, right?

So, this all started back in September when I got the news that my fasting blood sugar was higher than the normal range.  (I covered the call in That Day.)  Well, I trust my female doctor 110%.  He is the one doctor that I have seen from the beginning of living in Austin.  So, I trust his recommendation compared with the other doctors I have visited with off and on for colds since moving here.

Well, today was the day that I visited the new doctor.  Don't get me wrong, she is a really nice lady.  However, have you ever gone into an appointment thinking you know how it is going to turn out and then live in total denial when the answers were so not what you were thinking?  That they have to be off their rocker and refuse to change?  That there was me.

So, the message?  While I have not officially been diagnosed with Diabetes, my life needs to change.  I need to start living like I have Diabetes, starting now and in the end, by living like I have it, I may be able to avoid being diagnosed as having. Let's be clear, Dr. Bartos is NOT kidding around on this!  I had to make an appointment for three months out in which I have to go in and she will check my progress.  Let's not kid ourselves either, this is not a two appointment deal with her.  No, I have to go in to see her every three months for the next year.  WTF!  Really?  I mean, I have to sacrifice my doughnuts for breakfast?  No more snacks from the vending machine (cause I know they are not diabetes friendly)?  How does a diabetic survive the monthly chocolate attacks?

I know, it's my life we are talking about.  I realize that while I am not at my heaviest weight, I am still 50 lbs heavier than high school and 40 lbs heavier than my best in shape college body.  I know that given my Grammy and Mom are Type 2 diabetics and my Uncle and little brother are Type 1 diabetics the odds are in my favor.  Anyone that knows my mom, Grammy and little brother would look at them and say they do not fit the mold for someone that is a diabetic.  Yep, those are my genes that I inherited. 

I had a long talk with my mom tonight about it all.  Obviously making the right choices is something that I was raised around but never really had to think about them. My mom has been around the block a few times with diabetes, she agreed with what Dr. Bartos was saying and her approach.  Momma knows best and reminded me that if I follow Weight Watchers like I should be, I will be living like a diabetic. 

So tomorrow begins the change of Part III of my healthy life.  (Part I was free for all and Part II was living limited-Lactose diet.)  Tomorrow beings a new journey living like I am a diabetic in the hopes that I do not have to hear that I am Diabetic and rendered to a life of pin pricks, medication and trying to control my levels.  I know that I am going to make mistakes along the way as I learn to make better choices.  I know that I am going to have failures and successes when I am with friends and in social settings.  But, I also realize that I am going to lose weight along the way and will be living a healthier life. 

So, here is to Dr. Bartos seeing a little less of me in three months and an A1C number that declares I am not diabetic!

Back in the right direction

Well last week I failed to blog about my Weight Watcher's update.  I don't know if it was a "forgot", so much as didn't wanted to admit.  It wasn't pretty.  I was up.  I realized I can't have a free for all weekend and still hope that the rest of the week makes up for it.  Apparently it doesn't work that way. 

This week I did better.  I still need to focus on journaling.  I know that if I get that process going, the rest will really start going.  I also started my Couch to 5K again.  I am on Week 1, Day 3 now, so not far into it, but starting. 

My day yesterday was exhausting and posted as much on Facebook last night.  Here it was:
6:55 am - Left the house for work
7:00 am - Stopped at the gas station
7:40 am - Stopped at the grocery store for a few staples
7:45 am - Got to work
11:30 am - Took a friend to the Urgent Care center (fingers & blenders did not mix well, even if it is a protein shake)
12:45 pm - Back at it
4:30 pm - Left office and changed into work out clothes.
5:20 pm - Got to WW meeting center.  Took off for my 1/2 hour run
5:50 pm - Weighed in and went to the meeting
6:40 pm - Headed home with a stop at Petco for dog food
7:05 pm - Got home, made supper for me and watched bits of The Biggest Loser
8:00 pm - Back out the door for softball
9:40 pm - Returned home and took the dogs on a 20 minute walk

Hmmmm - I wonder why I am tired all the time.  But - I do enjoying playing softball twice a week again and actually am liking the Tuesday night league better.  It is a much more competitive team!

Oh yeah - better share my success from yesterday:

Junior High

So I determined yesterday that when I go to work at Lowe's, I am transported back in time to Junior High.  Or at least that is the age level of some of the full time associates that work there.

I hadn't seen or worked with SkinnyBiotch since the fall out previously blogged about.  The Sunday after the blowout, Eye Candy came over to talk.  Well, it was clear from our conversation that SkinnyBiotch filled him in on everything, that I was upset with her for not telling me and that she had unfriended me on Facebook. He was upset that a friendship was ending and begged me to fix it.  He explained to me why he hadn't told me and I got that.  He told me that I was the older of the two and that I needed to fix it.  In my mind, it was what it was, a difference of opinion and I wouldn't treat her any different that I had previously.

Fast forward a week to yesterday.  It was the first day that I had seen SkinnyBiotch since the fall out and the chat with Eye Candy.  Well, it went exactly like I expected to, immaturity on the part of the SkinnyBiotch.  Ironically, she was always professing how she kept secrets, blah, blah, blah.  Well, we know it isn't true because Eye Candy wouldn't of know about the fall out if that was the case. 

Well, when I saw her, I said, "Hey girl, what's up".  Of course, I don't even know if I got a grunt out of her but she looked the other way and walked off like we were in Junior High.  I wonder if she really thought she was hurting my feelings?  To me, it just reaffirmed the type of person that she is. 

However, you would think the story ends there, because she doesn't gossip and tell other people's business, right?!?  WRONG.  Apparently she is filling in other little clicky worker bees on the story, which I don't know how she can tell the story without filling in the background of me and Eye Candy, but now these clicky friends will not speak to me and are unfriending me on Facebook.

Can we say, Junior High?  Of course, the ironic piece of it all is that Eye Candy and I are still good friends.

I think this picture summarizes what is left of this story and anything I have left to say about SkinnyBiotch.

I Can't

This word to me has always been the worst word to me, worse than swearing.  It means failure.  It means you quit trying.  It means you never will because you have told yourself you won't.  My softball kids would run extra just for saying it.

Today, I say it.

I can't do it with Vanilla Horndog.  I can't say it is okay that we date and he dates other people.  I can't do it.  Yesterday I saw that he was online on the dating site that me met on.  I know, it meant I was online too.  But it was in that moment that all the doubts and insecurities came creeping back in.  The feelings came back of what it felt like the day I found out he was in a relationship with someone else when two days earlier he was wanting to get together. 

Then I went home and trolled on Facebook.  It is amazing how much you can learn about a person doing that.  People really should learn to lock accounts down.  Then again, only after I get what I needed.  In trolling, I found out how involved she was in VHD's life and how much I wasn't.  I found out how she did Thanksgiving with his family, where I never have met his daughters.  It has stung like no other.

And I realized I can't.  Knowing he is on the dating site and meeting new girls, I can't sit around and wait for the day to come that once again, I'm not good enough and he wants a relationship with someone else. 

I have told him as much.  He called twice last night and I just couldn't talk to him or about it.  I can't.  I sent him a text that I couldn't talk about it.  I told him I care too much for someone that doesn't feel the same.  I deserve to be part of someone's whole life and not a snip it.  I am too insecure to know that one day he makes me feel so special and the next he could be on a date with another.  I need off the emotional roller coaster I create in my life when it comes to him.  I need space and time.

He called again this morning.  Apparently my words are lost on him.  I ignored the call.  He sent me a message, 'Call me NOW'.  Fortunately I was on a conference call and told him I couldn't with the question why?  I got a 'What is wrong with you'?  Why does something have to be wrong when I can't share? 

I called him back and got the same question, 'What is wrong with you?'.  I told him I just couldn't do it.  He was like, we talked about it and you said you could.  I just want to say that knowing she is good enough to spend Thanksgiving with your family when you are "not" in a relationship means that I am not good enough period, but I didn't.  I just told him I can't, I changed my mind. 

He was going into a meeting and said he would call back.  Something tells me he will but I just don't know if I can answer it.  My feelings have been put out there.  I can't make him decide to date just me, but I can decide that I deserve more in life than to just be a one of many for Vanilla Horndog.

So, today I can't.  Yesterday I couldn't.  Tomorrow doesn't look good either.  It hurts but I can't do it anymore.  What do they say, if you love something let it go, if it comes back, it was yours, if it doesn't, it never was?

I'll close with a quote from Marilyn Monroe:
I believe that everything happens for a reason. People change so you can learn to let go. Things go wrong so you can appreciate them when they're right. You believe lies so you eventually learn to trust no one but yourself. And sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together.