Thursday, June 1, 2017

Let it Go

To blog or not to blog, that is the question.  Some days life seems like a roller coaster of emotions.  Is it just me?  Is it me being selfish and needy?  Or is it really something?  Do I really have a right to feel that way?

I think ever since I found out my hormones were out of whack I question everything I feel.  Is that weird?  Probably.  Then I don't want to say anything to Momma Bear because I don't want her to say, "Is it time for you to go back in? Did you stop taking one of the meds?"  It's like this never ending cycle.

I even question blogging today.  It's been such a heartbreaking day for me.  But I know that by blogging, it leaves Momma Bear in a tough spot.  She loves all of us.  But I need an outlet on it and that is part of what this blog was for, an outlet.  Whether I officially post this or not, has yet to be seen but I need something.  My head is ready to explode.  Nothing has taken the edge off.  When I think about it, it makes cry.  I haven't eaten much today, which we know is not good being diabetic.  Plus the fact that it is probably contributing to the screaming headache.

A wise woman I once spent a lot of time on a couch with constantly said, "Let it Go".  I know that is what needs to happen here.  I need to let it go and just move on.  But my heart hurts thinking about it.  My head hurts.  It hurts and sucks.  It shouldn't be this difficult.

One of my greatest pleasures has been being a super Auntie to my niece and nephew.  I do not get to see them often but when I do, I try to spoil them.  But the road blocks just seem to be so great in seeing them anymore.  Yes, I made the choice 10 years ago to move to Texas, so I don't need it thrown in my face anymore.  You've made one trip here in 10 years, only because there was a football game.  I 100% get I am not on your priority list.  But the hurt is too great to fight to see the kids any more.  Every time I do it is a road block of reasons why it does not work with your "families" schedule.

Every time I think I can see them or even try, it ends in so many hateful texts that some how end up with me being the bad person in the deal.  I just really can't do it anymore.  Hopefully one day the kids will know that I did try to spend time with them but it just was met with too much resistance, that it hurt too much, so I had to quit trying.  I feel like a terrible person because the kids are little and do not know better, it's not fair to them, but I just can't do it anymore.  The idea of saying I can't or quitting drives me crazy but I do not want days like today in my life anymore.

Last summer my nephew spent a week here in Texas with me and we had so much fun.  It truly was a blast.  Definitely a week we both will never forget.  He even took a book I gave him of the trip to school multiple times for show and tell.  He wanted to come back again this summer.  It was going to be our annual thing.  Well today I learned it was not going to happen.  See, July is "like cabin month" per his parents and since the only week I can do in August is the week before school, he cannot come to Texas this year.

I was told that if I want to see them I should just drive back.  But, let's not fool ourselves, when I do come back, I only see them if it fits with their parent's schedule.   (And we shouldn't forget 'July is like cabin month.') As someone that lives 800+ miles away, they have zero appreciation why I enjoy having that one on one time with the kids away from the family that they can see every other day of the week.  Kids are kids.  If they are in groups like that, of course they are going to go to the people they know and see more often.  I know that and accept that, it happens when you live far away.  But it seems that is a lot of the time I am allotted with them.  Some how when I think I am going to get one on one time, it is changed.  If I do not go with the change, I am the bad person.

So many tears have been shed in such a short life span of theirs over this subject.  It hurts.  It crushes my heart and soul.  All I wanted to do is be an awesome Aunt that spoils her niece and nephew since I would never have any kids of my own.  I never asked for anything in return, just time with the kids.  It's hard too because I do not have an outlet for it either.  I do not want my parents in the middle.  They love all of us kids and they love those two kiddos like crazy.  They don't want to be in the middle.

I know I need to let it go.  I know I need to move on.  Today I was told to just "do (them) a favor and never ask again.  It will make it easier on you..."  As much as it sucks, it is probably 100% the truth.  The sun will come up tomorrow and those two little ones will probably know no difference.  Hopefully one day they will know that I did want to see them and spend time with them.  I did try.

Of course, now that I am at the end, I do kind of giggle because I realize I have now brought true the part of the text calling me a cry baby...because I am crying...because it sucks and hurts.   I have brought true the part of playing the victim because that is what this post is about, me being a victim to him being certified asshole.  But I needed to get this off my chest.  It isn't my fault, it isn't my parents fault.  There is only one to blame and I tonight I will pray for strength to deal with the trials they bring over it.  In the mean time, I need to work on letting it go.  I pray that when I am back in August for a week, they will find some time to bring the kids by so I can see them.  I definitely will not be asking for time or expecting that I will be seeing them, that is for sure.  If just know if I don't expect it, I can't be disappointed.

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