Let it Go

To blog or not to blog, that is the question.  Some days life seems like a roller coaster of emotions.  Is it just me?  Is it me being selfish and needy?  Or is it really something?  Do I really have a right to feel that way?

I think ever since I found out my hormones were out of whack I question everything I feel.  Is that weird?  Probably.  Then I don't want to say anything to Momma Bear because I don't want her to say, "Is it time for you to go back in? Did you stop taking one of the meds?"  It's like this never ending cycle.

I even question blogging today.  It's been such a heartbreaking day for me.  But I know that by blogging, it leaves Momma Bear in a tough spot.  She loves all of us.  But I need an outlet on it and that is part of what this blog was for, an outlet.  Whether I officially post this or not, has yet to be seen but I need something.  My head is ready to explode.  Nothing has taken the edge off.  When I think about it, it makes cry.  I haven't eaten much today, which we know is not good being diabetic.  Plus the fact that it is probably contributing to the screaming headache.

A wise woman I once spent a lot of time on a couch with constantly said, "Let it Go".  I know that is what needs to happen here.  I need to let it go and just move on.  But my heart hurts thinking about it.  My head hurts.  It hurts and sucks.  It shouldn't be this difficult.

One of my greatest pleasures has been being a super Auntie to my niece and nephew.  I do not get to see them often but when I do, I try to spoil them.  But the road blocks just seem to be so great in seeing them anymore.  Yes, I made the choice 10 years ago to move to Texas, so I don't need it thrown in my face anymore.  You've made one trip here in 10 years, only because there was a football game.  I 100% get I am not on your priority list.  But the hurt is too great to fight to see the kids any more.  Every time I do it is a road block of reasons why it does not work with your "families" schedule.

Every time I think I can see them or even try, it ends in so many hateful texts that some how end up with me being the bad person in the deal.  I just really can't do it anymore.  Hopefully one day the kids will know that I did try to spend time with them but it just was met with too much resistance, that it hurt too much, so I had to quit trying.  I feel like a terrible person because the kids are little and do not know better, it's not fair to them, but I just can't do it anymore.  The idea of saying I can't or quitting drives me crazy but I do not want days like today in my life anymore.

Last summer my nephew spent a week here in Texas with me and we had so much fun.  It truly was a blast.  Definitely a week we both will never forget.  He even took a book I gave him of the trip to school multiple times for show and tell.  He wanted to come back again this summer.  It was going to be our annual thing.  Well today I learned it was not going to happen.  See, July is "like cabin month" per his parents and since the only week I can do in August is the week before school, he cannot come to Texas this year.

I was told that if I want to see them I should just drive back.  But, let's not fool ourselves, when I do come back, I only see them if it fits with their parent's schedule.   (And we shouldn't forget 'July is like cabin month.') As someone that lives 800+ miles away, they have zero appreciation why I enjoy having that one on one time with the kids away from the family that they can see every other day of the week.  Kids are kids.  If they are in groups like that, of course they are going to go to the people they know and see more often.  I know that and accept that, it happens when you live far away.  But it seems that is a lot of the time I am allotted with them.  Some how when I think I am going to get one on one time, it is changed.  If I do not go with the change, I am the bad person.

So many tears have been shed in such a short life span of theirs over this subject.  It hurts.  It crushes my heart and soul.  All I wanted to do is be an awesome Aunt that spoils her niece and nephew since I would never have any kids of my own.  I never asked for anything in return, just time with the kids.  It's hard too because I do not have an outlet for it either.  I do not want my parents in the middle.  They love all of us kids and they love those two kiddos like crazy.  They don't want to be in the middle.

I know I need to let it go.  I know I need to move on.  Today I was told to just "do (them) a favor and never ask again.  It will make it easier on you..."  As much as it sucks, it is probably 100% the truth.  The sun will come up tomorrow and those two little ones will probably know no difference.  Hopefully one day they will know that I did want to see them and spend time with them.  I did try.

Of course, now that I am at the end, I do kind of giggle because I realize I have now brought true the part of the text calling me a cry baby...because I am crying...because it sucks and hurts.   I have brought true the part of playing the victim because that is what this post is about, me being a victim to him being certified asshole.  But I needed to get this off my chest.  It isn't my fault, it isn't my parents fault.  There is only one to blame and I tonight I will pray for strength to deal with the trials they bring over it.  In the mean time, I need to work on letting it go.  I pray that when I am back in August for a week, they will find some time to bring the kids by so I can see them.  I definitely will not be asking for time or expecting that I will be seeing them, that is for sure.  If just know if I don't expect it, I can't be disappointed.

Life is like a....

Box of Chocolates...You never know what you are going to get?

Book...each day is a new page?

2015 has been a challenge of maybe epic proportions.  I really am learning that life really is what you make of it.  Some days are going to be bad, some are good, some are eh, but each day is a blessing.  When you put your mind to it, you really can do anything you want to.

I have gone from the unemployed life of having a great schedule to the land of insaneness.  I have lived in the world of insaneness since August 3rd.  Probably about the time you stopped hearing from me on here.

On August 3rd, I started as a temp for The Boon Group (TBG) as a proposal writer.  In other words, a fancy term for putting together all the insurance proposals together for the sales reps, working with the insurance carriers in the process.  The following week, I started classes on Tuesday and Thursday evenings from 6-10 pm and every other Saturday from 9:30 to 4:30 pm.  The classes I am taking is for PMP/SQL Certifications.  By the time it is over the first of March, the goal is to have my certification in both.  THE GOAL.  If anything, PMP is the big one as that will be the game changer for me.  Once that certification is in place, my base salary will be no lower than $85k.  It's not about the money but the ability to recover from 9 months of not having a "real" job.

Things at TBG are going well.  At the first of September the asked me to be full time.  Of course, HR stopped the bus party and said sorry, you have to work 800 hours first before we can hire you full time.  #sucksballs  I really do not think what I do everyday is something that I would want to do long term.  BUT, it does help cover the bills and I really think it would be a good company to work for.  Now it would be a matter if they had that job there for me.

What I have learned since April 15th is that I have an amazing family, a wonderful group of close friends here in Austin and when it comes to it...you can stretch a dollar pretty far.

I really do not think I could have gotten through the past 6 plus months without my immediate family, Unicorn, Grace and ATM.  They have all been a wealth of support and really been there to pick me up on the bad days.  Of course, let's not sugar coat it, Unicorn still gives me a kick in the pants when I need to get over it and move on. 

I think that ATM has really been the surprise of the group.  It's really nice to have him back in my life.  We both have gone through some serious stress points this fall but I know that he is there for me every day.  Obviously I do not know what the future holds for us but I know that we will always be friends and he does bring a lot of positive to my life.

I think probably the hardiest thing for me these days is just balancing the budget.  If you know me, you know me how well I like to know where my money is going and making sure that I am going in the right direction.  Well, obviously working at TBG, I was making more money that unemployment but way less than what I made at Xplode.  I couldn't figure out why I wasn't getting ahead and why my savings continued to dwindle away.  Once I found the error in my spreadsheet, it hit close to the heart and well there was that moment of panic.

After it is all said and done with and the bills are paid for the month, I have exactly $140 left to feed myself and the pups.  Now keep in mind, that is assuming there is no holidays, I don't get sick or any other situation where I have to take time off without pay.  Of course, I also have the high maintenance dog that is allergic to everything and requires a $65 bag of food every other month but Finn's is only $35 and his last 2 1/2 months.  Ouch.   But, now that I know what the problem is and what I am up against...it truly isn't so bad.  Now don't get me wrong, I really am looking forward to the day where my lunch is not 1/2 PBJ sandwich, 1 cup of carrots, an apple and 1 oz of chips....and yes, I do measure that all out every Sunday when I prep my meals for the week; but you have to do what you have to do.  So, yes the dogs might be eating better than me. 

Ultimately, as they say....this too shall pass.  But I have definitely learned the importance of that 9 month emergency savings fund, family, life saving friends and knowing exactly where every penny goes....just don't judge the highlights and that I am is desperate need of time with the Hairdresser.

Reset

Some days, you just need a reset.  It might be for a day, it might be for two days.

I emailed my job coach this morning as I had just been feeling like I was close to shut down mode.  I have not been feeling like doing my homework for her the past few days.  Searching the job posts was not something I looked forward to.  Hearing no on the job front was even worse and I dreaded going to my home office to "work".  Then the crinkle in my Nebraska trip seemed to be like a straw in the camels back and shut down mode was there.

Her advise was simple, 'take a break!  Not forever, just a day or two where you don't even open emails'.  Read a book, do something for you, do something fun, enjoy yourself.

Anyone that knows me knows that for too long, I worked too many hours and probably had too many jobs.  I think probably since the day I went into College I had at least two jobs.  There was always softball and school work.  But there was also the part time jobs during the school year, even in season.  After college, if I wasn't at work, I was off coaching a team somewhere.  Then there was the four plus years of 60 hour weeks working 7 days a week at two jobs.  So, to some degree it has been nice not to work.  BUT on the other hand, NOT having to work is absolutely killing me.

It is also hard because now that it has been two months, life around you still goes on.  The people around you still have jobs and go to work every day.  Their routines haven't changed, just yours.  When you first lose your job, everyone reaches out to you.  They all check up on you, see how you are doing.  Over time that fades.  I don't think that they necessarily have forgotten you, they just get caught up in life and work.  They forget to reach out.  They think that they have filled you in on things or you know schedules but in reality, you do not.  It is like you are in your own little bubble.

However, what I have learned in the past two months is that at the end of the day, work does matter, but not that much.  You have to have the job that you can find balance and harmony at.  A job that you can find happiness in going into the office, doing your job and bringing joy to those you encounter throughout the day.  But, you also need to be able to go home, leave work and make time for those you care about most and the things that bring you happiness.  I learned that lesson the hard way.  A lot of relationships were neglected for job that I loved, for a company who didn't love me back as much.

Just because something is important to you, just because it brings you happiness does not always mean that others are going to see it that way.  People in life will try and steal your thunder.  There are always going to be people, whether intentional or not, that are going to try and steal your joy.  Rise to the occasion and do not give them that pleasure.  It is hard to do but one that is worth doing.  Just because something is a priority to you, does not make it a priority to someone else, EVER.  If you want it bad enough, you will find a way to make it work; you above!

As a child blows the dandelion peddles in the wind...remember every situation is just that, powerless in your life if you do not give it a reaction.

Reboot complete.