Let it Go

To blog or not to blog, that is the question.  Some days life seems like a roller coaster of emotions.  Is it just me?  Is it me being selfish and needy?  Or is it really something?  Do I really have a right to feel that way?

I think ever since I found out my hormones were out of whack I question everything I feel.  Is that weird?  Probably.  Then I don't want to say anything to Momma Bear because I don't want her to say, "Is it time for you to go back in? Did you stop taking one of the meds?"  It's like this never ending cycle.

I even question blogging today.  It's been such a heartbreaking day for me.  But I know that by blogging, it leaves Momma Bear in a tough spot.  She loves all of us.  But I need an outlet on it and that is part of what this blog was for, an outlet.  Whether I officially post this or not, has yet to be seen but I need something.  My head is ready to explode.  Nothing has taken the edge off.  When I think about it, it makes cry.  I haven't eaten much today, which we know is not good being diabetic.  Plus the fact that it is probably contributing to the screaming headache.

A wise woman I once spent a lot of time on a couch with constantly said, "Let it Go".  I know that is what needs to happen here.  I need to let it go and just move on.  But my heart hurts thinking about it.  My head hurts.  It hurts and sucks.  It shouldn't be this difficult.

One of my greatest pleasures has been being a super Auntie to my niece and nephew.  I do not get to see them often but when I do, I try to spoil them.  But the road blocks just seem to be so great in seeing them anymore.  Yes, I made the choice 10 years ago to move to Texas, so I don't need it thrown in my face anymore.  You've made one trip here in 10 years, only because there was a football game.  I 100% get I am not on your priority list.  But the hurt is too great to fight to see the kids any more.  Every time I do it is a road block of reasons why it does not work with your "families" schedule.

Every time I think I can see them or even try, it ends in so many hateful texts that some how end up with me being the bad person in the deal.  I just really can't do it anymore.  Hopefully one day the kids will know that I did try to spend time with them but it just was met with too much resistance, that it hurt too much, so I had to quit trying.  I feel like a terrible person because the kids are little and do not know better, it's not fair to them, but I just can't do it anymore.  The idea of saying I can't or quitting drives me crazy but I do not want days like today in my life anymore.

Last summer my nephew spent a week here in Texas with me and we had so much fun.  It truly was a blast.  Definitely a week we both will never forget.  He even took a book I gave him of the trip to school multiple times for show and tell.  He wanted to come back again this summer.  It was going to be our annual thing.  Well today I learned it was not going to happen.  See, July is "like cabin month" per his parents and since the only week I can do in August is the week before school, he cannot come to Texas this year.

I was told that if I want to see them I should just drive back.  But, let's not fool ourselves, when I do come back, I only see them if it fits with their parent's schedule.   (And we shouldn't forget 'July is like cabin month.') As someone that lives 800+ miles away, they have zero appreciation why I enjoy having that one on one time with the kids away from the family that they can see every other day of the week.  Kids are kids.  If they are in groups like that, of course they are going to go to the people they know and see more often.  I know that and accept that, it happens when you live far away.  But it seems that is a lot of the time I am allotted with them.  Some how when I think I am going to get one on one time, it is changed.  If I do not go with the change, I am the bad person.

So many tears have been shed in such a short life span of theirs over this subject.  It hurts.  It crushes my heart and soul.  All I wanted to do is be an awesome Aunt that spoils her niece and nephew since I would never have any kids of my own.  I never asked for anything in return, just time with the kids.  It's hard too because I do not have an outlet for it either.  I do not want my parents in the middle.  They love all of us kids and they love those two kiddos like crazy.  They don't want to be in the middle.

I know I need to let it go.  I know I need to move on.  Today I was told to just "do (them) a favor and never ask again.  It will make it easier on you..."  As much as it sucks, it is probably 100% the truth.  The sun will come up tomorrow and those two little ones will probably know no difference.  Hopefully one day they will know that I did want to see them and spend time with them.  I did try.

Of course, now that I am at the end, I do kind of giggle because I realize I have now brought true the part of the text calling me a cry baby...because I am crying...because it sucks and hurts.   I have brought true the part of playing the victim because that is what this post is about, me being a victim to him being certified asshole.  But I needed to get this off my chest.  It isn't my fault, it isn't my parents fault.  There is only one to blame and I tonight I will pray for strength to deal with the trials they bring over it.  In the mean time, I need to work on letting it go.  I pray that when I am back in August for a week, they will find some time to bring the kids by so I can see them.  I definitely will not be asking for time or expecting that I will be seeing them, that is for sure.  If just know if I don't expect it, I can't be disappointed.

The Talk....

It was circa October 2016....my parents were here visiting for a wedding...and Momma Bear said the words, "We need to talk...."

THAT can never be a good thing can it?  EVER?  With ANYONE?  Let alone your MOTHER?!?

Well, it turns out it was not as bad as I thought it would be in that split second of panic in my mind.  Of course in that split second, I never imagined the positive turn it would have in my life.  Of course, hindsight being what it is...WHY didn't you suggest this talk sooner?!?  Seriously!

What was the talk you ask?  Well, Momma Bear felt that I had become more emotional lately during our daily chats.  That I was crying too easily.  Then she dropped the news that she went through Menopause during her early 40s and thought I might be to.

Whaaa...Wait....WHAT?  What happened to that conversation we had when I turned 35 and was upset because I never had kids and you and my Texas Momma said "40 is the new 30"?  Was THIS forgotten in that conversation?  I'm not really certain when I would have expected to go through menopause other than I know it happens, eventually.  But I'm 42...REALLY so soon?  Am I really going to have to come to terms with the reality of NEVER having a child, already?

From that talk...the journey began.  Momma Bear will tell you it is the best money I have ever spent in life.

I've always know that my hormone's have been a little out of wack.  I would have mid-cycle spotting.  Sometimes they said it was hormones and tried to address with birth control.  Most recently they said it was from a Fibroid that I have.  So, for that reason, I just didn't want to go see my regular well woman doctor.  I mean, nothing personal but I just wanted some answers.  So during my guilty pleasure watching of the Young & the Restless, I saw an advertisement for the Hormone Wellness Center.  Now they seemed like someone that could help me...so an appointment I made.

The first appointment is what they call the "free consult" where they take a lot of blood, talk to you about their program and what happens and then give you a free B-12 shot.  Holy hell...if you have never had a B-12 shot...that burns like no other.  Thankfully as I write this, I believe that my butt is now dead because I do not feel them anymore.  Thank you God!

Of course with the "free" consult comes the sticker shock.  Since they do not accept Medicaid, they do not accept insurance.  The program cost some $3K+ to go through.  You have to $500 upfront and then they offer different payment plan options.  The cost covers all your appointments, blood draws and everything but one of the hormones, which you get at a pharmacy.  I can't explain why, but something just told me I had to do this.  So, during my "free" consult, they took my $500 deposit.

As they say, the rest is history.  As the UNICORN said, I am a plant.  The good news, I am NOT menopausal or pre-menopausal.  So AMEN to that.  However, the test results showed I am a plant. My Estrogen was fine.  Yay!  But that's where the celebrating stopped.  For a woman, progesterone should range between 5 - 10.  My blood result showed 0.2.  Yup...that is right, ZERO Point TWO.  I basically had no progesterone in my system.  For testosterone, woman do have that in their system, just not at the levels of men.  Woman normally are in the range of 15 - 95.  Where did I fall on that scale, yeah...I DIDN'T!!  Basically I was worse off on testosterone than progesterone.

So, great now you know.  But how do you fix it you are asking, right?  Well the testosterone they do what they call an "in office" procedure.  They inject something into my butt to numb a small area.  The stuff burns but that is about all I feel after that.  After the medicine works, they make a small incision and insert these testosterone capsules under the skin and they are slowly absorbed into the body.  The incision is steri-stripped closed and those stay on for 7-10 days.  I cannot do any work outs for 7 days after an insert is done.  The progesterone is a LOT easier.  That is a dissolvable tablet that I take two weeks a month before bed.  It goes under my tongue and will dissolve rather quickly.  I also go into the doctor's office every two weeks for that lovely B-12 shot and then have a B-12 chewable that I have to take twice a week.

That's it.  A month after the insert, they did another blood test to check levels and did another insert of testosterone and adjusted my progesterone.  The do that once when you start to make sure everything is balanced as it should be.

Can I tell a difference in my moods?  I don't know if I can really answer that.  My mom will tell you she definitely can tell a difference.  I know that I don't wake up in the morning with my normal grumbling tone and for that I believe my coworkers are thankful.  Of course, we should not sugar coat it...I'm still not a morning person.

What changes have I noticed?  Who knew I could sleep through the night?  I was always up, I always had to go to the bathroom.  I was always waking up in a pool of sweat like it was 100 degrees in my bedroom.  That mid-cycle spotting is pretty much gone.  I don't crave the carbs anymore.  The doctor has said that I may also be able to come of the anxiety/depression medication as the hormones actually impact that.  I also do not go through PMS like I used to either. There are a couple other changes too, but Momma Bear does read this and there is nothing I can do about it...so we just won't discuss those.

The bad news is there is no "cure".  I go for a blood draw again next week and they will do a new insert the following month.  Then in 2 months, it will be another blood draw and the cycle repeats until the year is up.  Then it will be up to me to decide if I want to shell out another $3K for this or be done.  I know what Momma Bear would say.  So, until the time comes for that decision to be made, I am just going to enjoy feeling better.

Ripping off the Band-Aid

Are you still waiting for my Merry Christmas/Happy New Year card...well you'll be waiting awhile....

I don't think you want the tear jerker it might be.

In summary:

• I still don't have a full time, permanent job.
• I still am working my temp job.
• Men are still bastards and ATM should have never been trusted...of course he waited until after meeting my parents at Thanksgiving to show he was still a lying bastard.  But he is consistent and lied to them too.  Ha! 
• Money is still a pinching situation until I can find a real job. 
• Unicorn took a job in San Antonio.

And that is just the highlight of why we should never, ever, ever, ever, ever speak of that year again.  It is a year that is best forgotten ever existed.  It was definitely a learning and growing experience.  On the positive side, I really learned who my true friends are and who I can really lean on.  I got to go back to school and take classes by way of a grant.  My knitting crafts are slowly turning into a business.  I was still able to go back for the 20th reunion of the college softball team going to nationals. So there were positives, it's just the negatives were so heavy.

So, a little birdy...ahh cuuzzin, points out I just don't blog enough so I thought I better start blogging again.  This year I know I will be better as I will have many positives to share as well as things I am learning along the way.

The homestead will be getting some much needed upgrades by the end of the month.  I knew that I was going to need a new roof at some point.  For obvious reasons, I needed to wait until money was not so tight.  Well, December 29th, mother nature opted to help that cause.  A hail and wind storm left part of my privacy fence knocked down.  Well, when I went to lean part of the fence back up to keep the fur kids in check, I found some shingles.  Yep...as 2015 luck would have it, they were from my house.

One of the neighbors works for a storm company and came out and did a free assessment for me.  In looking at it, she said yep, fence has wind damage and roof has hail and wind damage and the window façade also has hail damage.  YEAH ME. 

Last week, she happily met myself and the insurance adjustor at the house.  Well after a lot of white circles on the roof, the insurance adjustor agreed that there was enough damage to warrant a full replacement of the roof.  They also agreed to cover 3 of the 9 fence panels.  #winning  The Storm guard company said that they would work with me so I don't have to pay anything out of pocket, or that would be their goal.  #doublewin

Well, then I decided I would call the landlord for the rental next door.  Technically because I have the "nice" side of the privacy fence, I should be the one to maintain it.  But, you always lose if you don't ask.  So, I called and asked if they would like to split the cost of replacing the full fence.  As shocked as I was, they indicated that they were beyond happy to share the cost!!!  So, now I have gone from needing to pay for 6 fence pickets to having to pay for maybe 20% of the fence.  #triplewin

For someone that has been as financially strapped as I have....you have no idea the happy dances I am doing right now.  Next step...full time job.....

Life As We Know It

"We must be willing to let go of the life we have planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us." - E.M. Forster

I don't think it is a day that I will ever forget but I think it is a day that I needed to have and that everyone should really go through it once in their lifetime.  It is one of the most humbling days, most trying days you can have.  It is one of those days all you want to do is sit in a ball and cry and ask: Why me? How am I going to manage my finances? How am I going to pay my bills? What did I do to deserve this?  To say I was scared out of my mind, pissed, sad and every emotion in between was an understatement. 

But, I was also embarrassed.  I did not want anyone to know.  I was ashamed.  I did not want the judgments, the gossip and just the overall hurt that are sometimes felt from individuals unintentional comments and words.

On April 15th, I reported to work a little after 9.  A little later than normal but I had been there until after 7 pm the night before as Runner was traveling for work which makes work life crazy and I had also been in meetings with the boss discussing delivery issues.  At about 9:30 am, the boss came in and asked if I had a minute; I said sure.  Of course, what would play out next, never entered my realm of thinking.  

We entered the conference room and the CFO was sitting there and I jokingly said, "Well, this can't be good."  His response was "No, it is not."  Of course that sent my mind racing of, is this some kind of Performance plan, are we not getting bonuses this year because we hadn't so far, but instead I got, 

"The Company is restructuring and you did not make the cut.  Today is your last day.  Here is your severance package and your separation agreement.  Feel free to have an attorney review the agreement if you feel it is necessary." ~  CFO

Then I was asked if I wanted to clean out my office now or come back later.  That was it.  Short and sweet.  No explanation.  No thank you for busting your ass the past year cleaning up the messes that were left behind by other people we fired.  No thank you for working so many nights and weekends without additional pay.  Of course, my boss being who he was, never said a word during any of it, he let the CFO do all the talking.

Obviously I opted to come back after hours to clean out my office and do it when just a few were left in the building.  It truly is a humbling experience being escorted out of the building.  My parting comments to my boss were: 

"You bust your ass for a company and this is how they repay you.  So very generous of them."

Ultimately there were three of us that were let go in the coming days.  Two of us from operations and the Vice President of Marketing.  I think it is safe to say that not one of us saw it coming.  There had been rumors the company was looking at merging/buying another company and there had been dog and pony shows but ironically I was the one telling people that we just needed to keep doing what we were doing.  We couldn't get our job done in a 40 hour week the way it was, how could they possible get rid of us?  Silly, silly me.

The past month and a half has been a learning experience.  Obviously I kept this on a need to know basis and after about a month in, I am fully at peace with everything.  I am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason.  I know I have grown from this experience and that I will be better off from it.  I have put my trust and faith in God and so far, he has taken care of me.  

Of course, when I have those moments of weakness, I do have the Unicorn here to bust me in the ass and tell me to get my stuff together.  She kindly gave me one day of mourning on loosing my job.  I was allowed one day of tears and then from there, I needed to be focused and get stuff done.  If I have down days, she kicks me in the ass and pretty much tells me to get over it, the only person I can control and worry about is myself.  She really is a cheerleader in my life.  I am not sure how I was blessed for her to come into my life but very thankful for it.

Now, how unprepared can one be for this you ask?  Oh...I don't know...I had not updated my resume since I took the job in October 2012.  Then there is the fact that in reality my resume really was still dating back to circa 2007 as I knew Runner at the company and being that it was so small, it was just a matter of getting an updated resume in their hands.  This thing had no objective, no results I produced.  Thankfully Unicorn and Grace helped me get that updated as best as possible so I could start sending out applications by the following Monday.  One day to mourn and by business day four of being laid off, I was sending off resumes.

Since then I have been firing off resumes for all kinds of jobs.  I have had referrals from all kinds of sources.  I have been blessed to have a lot of my customers that I worked with in this last role either offer to be a reference, ask for my resume to pass along or even line me up with an interview. The SIL asked if I would at least consider jobs closer to home as I have a niece and nephew that would enjoy seeing their aunt more often, so where I will land is God's will.  Ironically my first phone interview was with a company in Omaha.  Ultimately I did not get it but I thought it was funny since I could never get an interview in Texas when I was trying to move here.

I have had one offer so far.  The job was not the right fit for me and I had to decline, but it was an offer.  The interviews keep coming and at some point, when the time is right, the right job will be offered. 

Of course, I have learned that navigating the unemployment system in Texas is also a treat.  You hear the don't mess with Texas stuff all the time and they pretty much say that all over the place when you log in every two weeks to request your unemployment, note what you have been doing in your search, etc.  Silly me, fearing "don't mess with Texas" told them about the job I declined because it asks if you declined any jobs.  Now keep in mind the "rules" are that after 8 weeks of being unemployed, you have to consider jobs that are 25% less than what you previously made.  Well the job I turned down was far more than the 25% pay cut and since it hadn't  been 8 weeks, it shouldn't be an issue, right?  WRONG.  Apparently I missed the part that I only should report the jobs that I turned down that were "suitable" in nature.  As a result, my unemployment is on hold until further notice until they have time to investigate.  They are unable to give me a timeline of how long this "investigation" could take.

Oh the joys...you can only laugh and just keep trudging along.  Beating myself up is not going to help the issue and I can only control what I can control.  So, in the meantime, I will keep applying, keep interviewing and keep saying the rosary.  There is an odd connection to the days that I say the rosary to the days that I get emails for job interviews and/or job leads;  coincidence or Divine Intervention?  I think I'll stick to the later and keep saying that rosary.  

And now you know "The Rest of the Story...Good Day." ~ Paul Harvey

Where does time go?

WOW!   Six months?  Really doesn't seem that long ago that I was here.

What's even more of a WOW factor is that there are even followers that still come back and troll to see that I have failed, failed to update you on life, failed to even say what's up!  Yes, the the world continues to spin here in Texas, some days way faster than I want, some days in a direction I do not want but....

Oh life. 

I have wrote hundred's of blog posts in my mind over the past six months.  I have wrote even more in the past month.  There is so much on my mind these past few weeks that I would love to share with everyone but I am just not at that place that I am ready to talk about it, YET.  (Never fear...it is not health related, no I am not Pregnant and no I am not getting married!)

There is one thing for certain that I know, how life is today, is not how I probably pictured it the day I walked across the stage when I graduated high school.  It probably is not how I pictured it when I left college.  I know that it is not what I imaged it being at the beginning of December, but then again I never imagine January being what it was back in the first of December either.  Surly today as I sit writing this, I never pictured this month being what it was, maybe if ever, in my lifetime.

One thing I do know is that life happens.  No matter how much we plan, no matter how much we think we have it laid out in front of us, life happens and really the only person that knows where we will end up in life is the man upstairs.  What we can do in life is grow from it, learn from it and embrace the challenges that have been laid out in front of us.  God gives us the choice in life.  We can choose to be bitter and angry or we can choose to be positive and seek growth from the challenges He gives us. 

In the end, it's a matter of how do you want to face your maker, do you want to say, I accepted Your challenge and look at the better person you made me...or do you want to say well screw you, you handed me a life of lemons and crap and I am just over it.  The choice is within each of us and I think just writing this post helped me clear out some of my fog from today and made me focus back on what my choice always is.  Of course some love from Momma Bear never hurts either.

So, with that said, I clearly have some catching up to do...about 6 months worth and a lot of insight to share along the way.  I have done a lot of growing, especially in the past few weeks and definitely a lot more to go in the coming months.  If you are following this blog, you will be growing with me.  This will be a personal, spiritual, financial, life growing journey.

 

Stay tuned...I promise it won't be 6 more months before you hear from me...maybe more like 6 hours.  Until then, remember, your glass is half full or at least has room for a refresher. 

Love ya!

We may not have it all together....

Most go through life with maybe a brother or a sister, maybe a couple, some few, some none.  However, I am blessed beyond measure.  It truly wasn't until I had a conversation with my SIL that I realized how really, really blessed I am and how from outside looking in, our family is really awesome. 

Yes, I was raised with two brothers.  However, I really have 6 sisters and 7 brothers, most would just refer to the extras as cousins.  My dad comes from a large Catholic farm family.  He was the baby of 7, who in turn blessed my grandparents with 14 grandchildren.  Of course the age spectrum is wide, as one would expect, but I was truly blessed to call some of these my best friends.

Cousins 2013 (Missing Russ & Shane)

My branch of the tree was different in that we didn't grow up near Grandma & Grandpa's.  We moved to Lincoln when I was 5, while the rest of my cousins stayed near "home".  However, that didn't change much for us "city" kids.  I think three out of four weekends a month, we spent back home visiting the grandparents and our friends, aka cousins.  Every summer, for two weeks my oldest brother and I spent time up north with them.  My godparents, I always believed, earned a saint award as they were crazy enough to host us 'younger' cousins all in one weekend.  Seven of us were had those weekends and while I am pretty sure us girls were the saint of the bunch, the boys sure tested the rules.  I cannot count the injuries, the times we played with fire and all the bad things that were had...but, I will never forget those times, the memories.



This seems like a bad idea...

There was family vacations together...who could forget Worlds of Fun and Oceans of Fun?  There has been plenty of weddings since those early days.  We have been attendants, candle lighters, hall decorators, and just there for each other.  They truly are some of the best friends a person can have and the best part is that they REALLY get how crazy this family is, with all our faults.

But the best part is that the cycle has not broke once the weddings have been had and new branches have been started.  The cousins still see each other, the children are friends with each other and the cycle continues.   Maybe one day Aunt Jenn can have some of those little minions visit Texas.  I'm sure they would have fun stories with that trip.

Some days it is these exact people that make living in Texas so hard.  In reality, it is being so far from family that is the only negative of living in Texas.  Of course, some days it is a blessing in disguise.  However, today is one of those hard days as we say goodbye to Aunt Mary.  Her life was cut way too short and was called home on Thursday.  After talks with my parents, since I was just with everyone and saw her just a few short weeks ago, they didn't feel I needed to come back.  It has not been an easy decision as I am sure there are plenty of laughs going around right now as everyone remembers the stories to be had and I am missing out.  However, I know I am there in spirit and have said my extra rosary's for Mary. 

What is the saying...We may not have it all together, but together we have it all.  I am truly blessed.

Reality Check

Why is it that for some friends, we wait until Christmas and the Holiday's to catch up?  Why is it that we are lazy and send out these mass letters to family and friends telling them, hey this is what is up?  Why don't we check in more often? 

Wow I am so ever guilty of this.  I know, I have this blog and for some, if they choose not to catch up here, too bad, so sad.  I won't even get into how I am so terrible I even had a card come back because I never updated an address, heaven knows how long ago they moved!  I probably should post my Christmas letter here just for the few that may never have received it!  I know I was a terrible friends to my friends in Austin.  :(

But, sometimes you get those letters back and just are in awe and feel like the worst friend ever!  It reminds you of how precious life is and how important some things really are!  So, while I know that most of my goals are lined out for the New Year, this one is getting added to the floater list - be in my friends lives' for 2012 - call them, write them, be there!  I might just need a tab so I can go back and make my quick reference for 2012 resolutions!

Where am I going with all this?  Well, obviously I haven't been the best about keeping up with everyone or seeing everyone when I come back for visits!  Sometimes it is just hard.  But, nothing prepared me for the letter I received from my friend Mo.  Mo and I date back to my first "real" job after college.  It is impossible to imagine that we have known each other as long as we have.  I mean, it seems like just yesterday.  I can remember the day that she went into labor with her first child and for whatever reason, I even managed to get the time of birth right in the office pool - weird fact I know.  That "baby" is now 13.  It doesn't seem possible.

Mo is just a year older than me and went in for her first mammogram at age 36 just because of some family history.  I do not know if it was in relationship to breast cancer or another type, but right away they found a spot of "interest".  One year later, after monitoring, she was diagnosed with  DCIS, ductal carcinoma in situ.  As Mo shared in the letter, she never found a lump and it is hard to say how her story would of ended up if she waited until she was 40 to have that first mammogram. 

I have been catching up with her carepage and reading all she has been through.  I can only imagine how tough things have been but at the same time know some of the day to day struggles a cancer patient goes through sitting beside my friend Little Hammer and watching her battle Hodgkin's Lymphoma.  Being a crier, the tears came when I saw the picture of Mo's long, beautiful hair gone and her comparing herself to her husband and who looks better bald.  Such a great spirit and great person, I love you Mo.  I haven't finished reading all of her entries but so far, everything seems to being going as well as one could expect.

The reality check in all of this is, have you had a Mammogram?  I know a lot of you are my age and haven't hit that 40 yet.  I know my doctor's office had me do a baseline at 35 so I have had the initial one.  However, with this gut check, I have made some calls to my insurance company.  When I had the initial one, my tech told me to check with my insurance company because some companies will cover the mammogram every year and not require you to wait until you were 40.  I thought it was silly and not needed but needless to say I made that call now!  My insurance company will cover it and you can bet that I will be scheduling that mammogram with my well woman check later this year! 

I ask that you include Mo and her family in your prayers tonight that God continues to provide healing and strength in the coming days and months as she finishes her chemotherapy and transitions through raditaion!

Twas the day after Christmas

and all was quite through out Ma & Pa's house.  I have really been blessed this holiday season.  This year marks the first time since 2007 that I spent the holiday's with my family!  I forgot how much I missed all the traditions.  While some of them have stayed the same, some have changed. 

So, Christmas Eve included mom and I baking some of Grandma Meedel's yummy rolls and mom preparing the traditional Christmas Eve chili.  Kim, Maddox and Shane all came out to the house so we could attend 4 pm Mass at St. Michael's.  Unfortunately, Travis was stuck on a train some where and it did not appear he would make the Christmas Eve celebration.  I will say that my nephew did quite well for not being two and being in Church for two hours!  After Church it was back to the house for Chili and Grandma's rolls.  Shortly after supper, we received news of a Christmas miracle and that Travis' train had tied down in Waco and he would be at my parents house before 8 to open presents!  All of the Schmidt Kid's made Christmas!

On Christmas morning, mom, dad and I headed to Trav & Kim's to watch Maddox open his presents from Santa.  Kim's mom also joined us and then we had breakfast afterwards. It was definitely a blast watching Maddox opening all of his presents this year!  On Christmas eve, he quickly figured out that a lot of the gifts that had Sesame Street on the paper were his.  Of course, he also tried to share presents so everyone had some!  By Christmas day, it was not necessarily about what was in the package as much as opening it.  He would rip off the paper, open the box and then throw that box to the side not caring what was in it, just wanting to open something else. 

Christmas evening, everyone came back out to the Schmidt Casa for dinner and laughs!  I am definitely blessed to have such a wonderful family!

Merry Christmas to all!

The Schmidt Clan - December 2011

Kinda Goolish

You know, I think that I could get use to this not working two jobs.  :) 

Really, it didn't hit me until yesterday that I don't have Lowe's to go to anymore.  The weekend felt just like, a weekend off from Lowe's.  Friday night, my roommate, RN, and I went costume shopping.  Well, apparently either the costumes got smaller when they shipped or they are still using the sizing from 20 years ago because a 10-14 which should fit me, well was way crazy tight.  So, I became the plus-size girl costume.  :)  The Risky Ref.

Now Saturday, it is crazy amazing the things one can do without working at Lowe's and then just being tired from working all the time!  My Lowe's Saturday usually consisted of me working 7 - 2 and then going home and taking a nap for an hour or two, then trying to cram everything else into the night.

Well, not this week.  I managed to sleep in.  Got up, took the Grey Speed Racer in to get the oil changed and washed.  Of course, they also pointed out that I should have my brake fluid replaced since I had never had it done and it has 60,000 miles.  So, I put up the dough for that.  After that, I ran a few errands and then went and exchanged RN's shoes and found some shoes for me for the party.  Was a little late getting home so utilized the DVR to catch up on my Husker game.  They were awesome!  After that, it was time to get down to some cleaning, complete with a hands & knees scrub the floor kind of cleaning.  After that, I took the dogs for a run, then hit the gas station & liquor store and it was finally time to get ready for the party.  (Anyone else tired - cause I should of been!)

NoDIY and I have been texted back and forth a lot lately.  No idea what prompted it, but it has been happening.  Anyway, he was having a Halloween Party and invited me to go. RN decided she would go to and so, after she got off work, we headed south.  I think probably my most awkward moment of the night was when we got there and were told everyone was outside.  Of course, we walk out the door to realize there were two girls there and then us two and of course, the deck was covered with all guys.  It was just weird to walk out and have everyone staring and not really seeing faces to know where NoDIY was in the crowd. 

But, in the end, it was a really fun night.  Julie left early because she had a 12 hour shift the next day.  I, on the other hand, did not make it out until noon the next day.  Heehee.  I think it was midnight when we all opted to go to the bar and then went back to NoDIY's house and had more drinks and of course, he had out of control friend drama break out.  Some of which was the first I had ever seen and hope I don't witness that again.  Then, since he is at least 40 minutes south of my house, I did the responsable thing and didn't drive home.

RN is on the far left, NoDIY in the middle and myself on the far right

Of course, every fun time should end with the flu.  After spending half the day thinking it was a hangover, I realized by 6 pm it was the stomach flu.  When you can't even keep toast or liquids down, it is more than a hangover!  Yesterday I managed to keep food down but my stomach still hated me.  Never mind the dehydration headache I still had going and the fact I am still battling the allergies and trying to avoid getting a sinus infection.  Can you say Train Wreck?  Oh, and I should mention that one of the dogs has this flu stuff too, so even when I think I am getting better, I have come home to a lovely mess that makes me sick all over again.

Jaded

So I should that the bright side of the story to come is that so far I have managed to avoid my stress eating and will not cave to it. It isn't worth it.


I called Runner yesterday because I knew that if I blogged about it, she would of been the only one to respond on what her thoughts were. But then, after the full ramification of everything set in, I was just in shock and had to blog about it. My momma says I am wrong, Runner says I am right. Whatever the answer is, in the end I have learned that they probably really weren't a friend at all.

It's Lowe's drama. I hate it and have decided that working there or not, I am done with that drama and being friends with anyone there. They better be darn special or I am out. There was a group of five that like to refer to themselves as the "Wolfe Pack", think The Hangover. Now, individually I am friends with all them, probably closer to two of them than the other three. However, I was NOT part of the Wolfe Pack and it was always made clear. I was told on more than one occasion by The Skinny Biotch that I just don't understand that they have been through so much together. In any event, they would do things together, for example travel to San Antonio for dinner & partying, that was Wolfe Pack only. Basically, if you weren't part of the five, you were excluded.

I have always felt that I had things in common with Skinny Biotch. She was single, just bought her first house, similar in age, etc. Anyway, I helped her all the time. Helped her move, mowed & loaned my lawn mower when she first got her house and didn't have one, hauled things in my car for her to her house. Friends do that. We would go out to dinner. If she had a bad day, I would invite her over after work for dinner. I thought we were friends.

Then there is the guy that I will call Eye Candy who is also part of the Wolfe Pack. Heaven knows that he is eye candy but is a completely down to earth guy. There is a certain attraction factor there and he reminds me a lot of guys that I have dated. However, he is over 10 years my younger and because of that I would never date him because I would never see it working out. I have joined him and his family for pick up softball games before. Well, over time, let's just say that it was more than just friends, friends with benefits I think they call it. It was one of those things that just happened and I knew it would it ever go any farther than were it was, in my head we would never "date".


So, the inter-twine comes in that Skinny Biotch considered Eye Candy a brother. They had been involved for a time, which I didn't know when I first got together with Eye Candy. But, she was fully aware of what was going on between Eye Candy and I.

I truly love how Facebook has become the new medium to "announce" things. Yesterday Eye Candy posted some new pictures of an adorable little girl. Well, apparently in all of our time around each other, he failed to mention that he was going to be a dad. Is he with the baby momma? I don't know, if he is I know he hasn't been faithful. I was caught off guard by it but after talking to him, understood that he wanted to tell his family first and that we were friends that just had the extra.

Well, I sent a text to Skinny Biotch to see if she had talked to him lately? She asked what was up and I told her that he is a dad. Her response was "Yeah, I have known for awhile. I am happy that he is happy. I'm glad you finally know." WTF?!?!?! That I finally know?

Okay, maybe I am missing something but to me this breaks friend code. If you know your girlfriend has been shagging with a guy and learns he is going to be a dad, you inform your girlfriend of this, right?!? I mean, I get that he wasn't telling people and she is friends with him but shouldn't she of at least filled me in so I wasn't shagging with him?

My stance is that if it was my friend, I would of had respect for my girlfriend and both friendships to tell the girlfriend and respect that she would keep it quiet and put an end to things. However, Skinny Biotch's stance is that she was told something in secret and it needs to be kept that way. Well, because I even questioned her about it and why she didn't tell me, I was informed that I completely insulted her, she was NOT coming to my house Saturday for the football party and got home last night to learn that we are also no longer friends on Facebook, her doing.

Looking back, I just laugh at it. It is petty drama and I still will stand that if the shoe were reversed, I would have said something. Maybe it is fucked up in my brain because I am not mad that Eye Candy didn't tell me right away but feel that Skinny Biotch should of.  But, in the end it doesn't matter.  Skinny Biotch made it clear friendship she liked better and obviously it wasn't mine when she ended our friendship. 

It is probably wrong for me to say, but I just don't care.  Maybe I am jaded.  However, I have been through so much shit in my life that I have to have people in my life that have my back.  If you can't support me and help me through it or even get why I might be upset by something, then I don't want you in my life.  I'm jaded.

Housekeeping, I bring you fresh towel?

Jennifer?
I fluff your pillow?
Jennifer, is that you?
Yes, Grammy it's me.

It was always the practical joke that I played on her when she called mom & dad's house.  She would always giggle.  Yesterday marked 4 years ago that she left this world and joined the other.  It some ways it seems so long ago and other ways, it just seems like yesterday.  She was a strong woman who taught me so much and in some ways feels like her life was cut too short, even though she was 88.  I have a feeling that tonight she is enjoying time with her sisters playing some scrabble and giggling at something funny.

This is a picture from the last time I saw my grandma.  Mom, dad and I went to visit her for the day and of course we had to go to lunch at her favorite place, Applebee's. 

So today, I remember her with tears of joy and not tears of loss.  I am so thankful and blessed to have been able to spend so much time with my grandparents growing up and in some ways being one of the "favorites".  Some kids might think it was the worse thing to do, and we probably did too at the time, but spending two weeks on the farm every summer was one of the greatest gifts we could of ever received.  Grandma would always take Trav & I to town,  and while she got groceries, we got to go to the pool.  Of course, no trip to town was complete without a stop to Goodrich Dairy, she would get milk for the week and we would get Orange Casanova's. Now my favorite was bread fresh out of the oven with a little butter and homemade Blackberry Jam.  Yummy. 

We also learned the lesson that if you got stung by a bee, you should put mud on it.  Now, I don't think Grandma was prepared for the afternoon when Travis & I covered ourselves in mud at the pump house and tried to convenience her that we were stung by bees.  Needless to say we learned garden hose water is quiet cold and it takes a LONG time to dry outside. 

Diamond Lil, I think the most important thing you taught us is to laugh and smile.  Life is too short to do anything else but that!  Love you always!

That Day

Yep, it has just been one of those days.  You know the days that it just seems like one thing after another?  The day that doubt just creeps in so quickly?  That the glass no longer feels half full but either empty or ready to say Fuck It and throw it down and smash it.  It is THAT day.

Let me just start of with that I have had to make some really hard decisions this past month.  They haven't been easy decisions and I haven't talked about them on here.  They are personal and something I have needed to deal with, something I do not want to be judged on.  If you don't know what I am talking about, don't worry, you are not alone, most do not.  Have no fear though, the are ultimate decisions for the best.

So, with that said, my stress level has probably been high and just dealing with things as they came.  I had a wonderful week off with my parents and aunt visiting and just was getting back into a grove of a little less stress.  Now, I must note that yesterday was the first day that I had to work both jobs in two weeks so I know that I was tired. Plus last night I was asked to serve as the Head Cashier since the one scheduled called out.  Obviously that in itself was an honor because there is a lot of responsibility and training that goes with it.  So, to be asked to do it with no training was great.  But, it was also some added stress because I was responsible for all the cashiers, making sure all the registers and money were closed and deposited at the end of the night, etc.  Needless to say, I was extra tired just making sure I got it all done and did it right.

Then today came.  It started as a joke.  Last night we had an upgrade to one of our databases, it was minor, but the calendar had been blocked so no one could be off and it actually had been rescheduled since the original date was set when I was on vacation.  The joke, the boss called out.  Now we know that if I would of done that, I would of either been drug to the office, for certain written up, if not fired.

Then there was a phone call.  Last week I went to see the female doctor for the annual check up.  It was the standard thing with the standard, if your tests results are normal, we will just send you a letter.  If there is anything we need to discuss, well we will call.  Well, they called and as it always happens, I was not at my desk to call back.  Of course, the message says not to worry but ummm, if you are calling you are obviously concerned about something right?  I called back within two minutes and got the nurses voicemail.  And I called back two hours later, same thing.  Called a little later, got the operator, transferred to the nurses station and yup, voicemail.

So, by now my head is spinning.  Now maybe I should clarify that in my 20's, I had pre-cervical cancer changes.  It was treated and every once in awhile something causes a flag and then need to just double check, no problem.  However, my mind was thinking...maybe there is cancer like changes again? But, then there was the full range of STD tests they ran.  I am a single lady and you can never be too careful. What if I have a STD?  What if it is HIV?  Then there was the full wellness blood panel they ran, for cholesterol and all that other fun stuff.  Maybe I have high cholesterol? And because I am my mothers child's, I continued to worry.  I had cancer or HIV, I just knew it.  The best news, by the time I left work at 4:30, the doctors office was closed and they never called back.  I got to sleep on it.

And because I like to worry and stress about things, I was starting to think that things were not right with Chicago, you know my one hope at meeting a normal guy, having a normal dating relationship.  Yeah, well not so much.  I texted him to see what was up and nothing prepared me for the answer I got, especially when I figured I would be seeing him this weekend.  The text....'To be honest, I have been busy but decided to move back to Chicago next month.  My mom has breast cancer and it is tough.  I'd rather be there.  I'm sorry.  Didn't decide till about a week ago and wasn't sure.'  So, that was it.  The end.  My chance at normal and something positive, a turn for the good.

Of course, that happened right before my appointment with Hairdresser.  She knew I was off my game as much as I would like to try and hide it.  :)  But, we just had normal and stayed away from the Chicago conversation while she readjusted my blonde that had fallen.  Well, while I was baking under the lamps, the phone rang...it was the doctor's office.  Thank goodness they opted to stay past 6 tonight to call me.  So, the bright side is that I do not have cancer, do not HIV, do not have any STDs.

However, because I am my Grandmother's granddaughter (my mom said I had to blame her), my blood sugar was higher than they would like to see for someone that had been fasting and had not eaten anything since the night before at supper.  Based upon the conversation with the nurse, for most, they would probably not worry about it and run a follow up test in year.  But given my genes...a grandmother, a mother, a uncle and a brother who all have diabetes, I can't wait.  Just grand.

So, that is my day.  I lost a great thing in a good guy because I always have that luck.  The good ones the timing always seems to be wrong and the bad ones, well they just suck.  Now, I have to deal with the odds of having diabetes.  I know it was one test, but given my genetics the odds are stacked against me and I know that one can live with it, its just a game changer.

Tonight, I just feel alone.  A nameless face behind words.  A person that is tired of fighting.  Tired of trying to do the right thing.  Tired of being in a big state and feeling so small.  Tired of missing out on my families activities.  Tired of not being able to do things with my friends here.  Tired of my phone never ringing.  Just tired of being tired.  Tired of That Day!

45 Lessons Life Taught Me

I was sent this by my cousin today and felt it was something that was just worth sharing with all!  Enjoy!

                                                                                                                                           

Written by Regina Brett, 90 years old, of the Plain Dealer, Cleveland , Ohio ..

"To celebrate growing older, I once wrote the 45 lessons life taught me.  It is the most requested column I've ever written.

My odometer rolled over to 90 in August, so here is the column once more:

1. Life isn't fair, but it's still good..
2. When in doubt, just take the next small step.
3. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone.
4. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends and parents will. Stay in touch.
5. Pay off your credit cards every month.
6. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.
7. Cry with someone. It's more healing than crying alone.
8. It's OK to get angry with God. He can take it.
9. Save for retirement starting with your first paycheck.
10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.
11. Make peace with your past so it won't screw up the present.
12. It's OK to let your children see you cry.
13. Don't compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.
14. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn't be in it.
15.. Everything can change in the blink of an eye. But don't worry; God never blinks.
16. Take a deep breath It calms the mind.
17. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful.
18. Whatever doesn't kill you really does make you stronger.
19. It's never too late to have a happy childhood. But the second one is up to you and no one else.
20. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don't take no for an answer.
21. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie. Don't save it for a special occasion. Today is special.
22. Over prepare, then go with the flow.
23. Be eccentric now. Don't wait for old age to wear purple.
24. The most important sex organ is the brain.
25. No one is in charge of your happiness but you.
26. Frame every so-called disaster with these words :'In five years, will this matter?'
27. Always choose life..
28. Forgive everyone everything.
29. What other people think of you is none of your business.
30. Time heals almost everything. Give time time.
31. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.
32. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.
33. Believe in miracles.
34. God loves you because of who God is, not because of anything you did or didn't do.
35. Don't audit life.. Show up and make the most of it now.
36. Growing old beats the alternative -- dying young.
37. Your children get only one childhood.
38. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.
39. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.
40. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else's, we'd grab ours back.
41. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.
42. The best is yet to come...
43. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.
44. Yield.
45. Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift."

Journey

For a long time I have been wanting a new tattoo. Actually, two of them. One of them I wanted to get was the Chinese character for Strength on the back of my wrist. The other one was to be on my foot, footprints with the Chinese character for Courage.


Well, Saturday during my friends pool party, we got to talking about tattoos and the "Do it" chant was on and I just decided I was ready, I wanted to get one. Of course, the beauty of making that decision with friends means that they can give advice on how and what it should look like. One of the challenges is that I was struggling to find the correct translation for the word courage in Chinese. I didn't want it to be something totally wrong and end up with something that was totally wrong. That said, I think that the majority of individuals agreed, I just need to put the word itself and not the symbol.

So off to the Tattoo parlor we went. I opted to do the one on my foot and not the strength one. So my left foot has now forever been branded.

I think that for anyone that knows me, no explanation needs to be given on the meaning behind it.  I have faced a number of challenges in life that have required not only courage but faith to get through them.  The footprints, well they are the Footprints in the Sand - God definitely carried me through some of those darkest hours.  Courage, well, some mornings it took a lot of Courage just to put the two feet on the ground and hope for the best.  God was with me through it all but sometimes you have to make those choices that may be tough at the time and hope those are the choices God wanted you to make.

I know that my Journey is not done yet but I now have this reminder of where I am going and why.  

Something New

Well, off on a new adventure or at least looking into the possibility of one.  So Tuesday I was in a pretty blah mood and just anti-everything.  I think we all have those days.  Maybe I shouldn't put them into words, but I do.  It works for me. 

Right now I am reading The Cheapskate Next Door by Jeff Yeager.  I know I am weird and that I like reading these finance books!  Someday I will tell my full story and when it is said and done, let's just say that you will be amazed at where I was and where I stand today.  Who knows, maybe I can start counseling others on how to get out of debt!  Anyway - it is really good book and if you can read self-help books, I suggest looking into it. 

As you probably recall, I am in the process of blasting debt out of my life.  I see a zero balance with one of my credit cards in the next month.  Today I made another payment on it and all that remains is $50.  So far this year I have paid off 10% of my debt.  To me, doing this solo, that number is huge.  I of course I  have to thank my WIRR friends (Click Here to learn more) for keeping me motivated and encouraged. 

As I was discussing with mama last night, between Lowe's and NFP, I have enough money to live, pay my bills and blast my debt.  However, when it comes to extra things I want to do, it requires serious penny pinching to do it with cash and I think that is the part that makes me feel strapped right now.  For example, I know that I probably need at least $350 to have the ceiling fans installed in my house.  NODIY guy said that he would do it for $50 a fan (5 fans) and then whatever parts he would need.  Needless to say - I have to scrimp and save to get that.  I also need new tires on my car if I am going to come back to Nebraska at Christmas.  Again, scrimping and saving to get it done.  It stinks.  Of course, it probably feels even more difficult just because my electricity and water bills are higher right now thank you to Mother Nature.  I know I should feel blessed that the electricity is only running about $150 considering it has been over 100 degrees every day, but it is hard.

So, with that said, yesterday I posted an ad on Craigslist to get a roommate.  Not something that I HAVE to do or really want to do.  However, it will definitely help me feel more relaxed on things and help cover some of those other things I want to get done as well as help blast the debt even faster!!  So my friends at WIRR are giving me great advise on background checks, leases, etc so I am pretty positive that things will work out okay and no one needs to worry.  Plus, as I told momma, I don't HAVE to have the extra money so I can take as long as I would like to find the perfect roommate!

Have a great weekend y'all!

Oooopsss

I was doing so good on blogging and then, well, I guess I just fell of the planet.  

Oh it has been such a mixed bag of emotions these days and sometimes I just wish I could curl up in a ball and just wake back up when life was normal again.  That things were easy, carefree and I had it all.  Sometimes, on the outside I know I look like I have it all together, but on the inside I feel like it is all falling apart and I wish I could undo things.  Where do I even begin to tell the story at?  It is going to be a long one so grab your coffee because you just might need it.

Work, that thing that you have to do every day, that you should spend half of your waking hours at, that place you should love to go to.  I know that if you asked me a couple of years ago, while some things weren't perfect, I loved my job and loved what I do.  Today, I just feel like it is another anchor around my ankles.  My boss and I butt heads to the 10th degree on everything.  The favoritism was so unbelievable before I went on vacation it was insane.  Never mind him going postal on me because my dog needed an emergency vet appointment and I wouldn't be in the office to cover phones while he was in a meeting.  (It is important to note that the following day we both were in the same meeting and we would have the same coverage issues.)  Of course, it takes me  saying the discrimination in an email about treatment by him to his boss that makes things some what tolerable.  Funny how one word makes others take notice. Maybe part of it is me bringing it on myself and that what I do today does not require a college degree, it has changed so much from when I first started and it doesn't require any thought and just requires patience, something I lack at.  I won't even get into how I still make less today than I did when I left Nebraska in 2007.  I know I said I was okay with the pay cut and having a better boss, but I don't think I imagined it being 2011 and still making less than what I did four years ago.

Maybe it is Lowe's and just being burned out from working all the time.  But, I have to do it, I don't have a choice in the matter.  Without Lowe's, I couldn't pay the bills.  Unfortunately it is a necessary evil.  I have tried to make friends there but the drama that comes with it, it just isn't worth it.  Don't get me wrong, there are good people there but I always feel like I some how get sucked back into the drama of the others around them.  I wish I didn't have to work there, but I do and don't have a choice.  I need to be happy about going in to work instead of listening to people complain about things that go on there.  If I just go in, do my job and leave, I appear to be bitchy/snooty.  But, when you work seven days a week, where else can you make friends?  I have some at the other job and maybe I just need to make more of an effort there.  At least they tend to be drama free or if there is drama, it is a different kind.  

I miss my friends back home and the way things use to be.  Of course, I know that if I go back home, things won't be the same as they were.  It so hard to believe that when I moved here in 2007 on of my best friends and I were so close to being the in the same place.  Both were in relationships, both saw marriage in our future.  Today, how far apart we are....I am no closer to marriage than the day I went to college.  She on the other hand is married, happy has two beautiful kids and I don't hear from her because she has the "perfect" life.  

Sometimes I want to scream why me?  Why couldn't life be easy for me?  Why does God constantly throw things road blocks up at me?  I was a good kid in high school.  I got good grades, stayed out of trouble and I just don't know.  Sure I rebelled a bit when I got to college but I think we all did.  Then there was the sexual assault, I mean why did a bad choice on my part cause that to happen?  Didn't God know I was saving myself and that wasn't how I wanted to lose my virginity?  

Maybe that has jaded me.  Maybe that one event will define the rest of my life.  I hope not but look where I am.  As much as I have dealt with it, went to counseling on it, think I am over it, I still feel it haunts me and my relationships.  I grew up in a great family, with tons of love, support, kids and just a great sense of family values and there was nothing that I ever wanted more in life to have that.  Now, here I am 37 years old and watching the days pass on that that opportunity. The guys I meet are either only interested in sex or one of us isn't into the other.

I always think I am okay, that I just trudge along, people think I am rock strong and then it takes just little things to send me into a tail spin.  I have officially become the last one from my college softball team that has never been married and has no kids.  Me!  I just don't get how it ended up being me?  It sucks, 100%.  I know, you'll say you don't need a man to make you happy, they can bring problems, blah, blah blah.  Do this, for an entire week, go home to yourself every day and don't talk to anyone unless you call them.  Fix dinner for one.  Do all the cleaning.  Do all the laundry.  Yard Work.  Exercise.  It sucks! Now imagine doing that day in and day out for years.  

I know that when I came back from my vacation I was home sick.  Part of me didn't want to leave but part of me was ready to come back.  I love my family to death and love spending time with them.  I love spending time with my little man and am happy that my brother is so happy.  But then again, it sometimes feels like a dagger and a reminder of the perfect life.  So much has changed that I know if I moved back it wouldn't be the same.  My friends have all changed.  I have changed.  I can't get back what I had and can't go back in time.  Before anyone says just move back, it isn't possible.  I have a house now.  A house that lost all of the equity in it the past two years because prices continue to drop.  Now because of our lovely leaders, interest rates will go up and it would be even harder to sell.  No thank you.

Sometimes I just wish I could hit the backspace key and just do parts of life over again.  Would I go back all the way to college and undo that one night?  I don't know.  But sometimes I really wonder what life would of been had I just listened to my family and understand they only wanted the best for me when they pushed leaving the EX.  But I didn't.  I walked away from a job that paid well, from a softball organization I built, from a head varsity coaching job, from a great support system of family and friends all because I found love.  I wish I realized back then that love shouldn't come at the cost of all that and if it is real love, it wouldn't cost you anything, it enhances things.

I am sure come a day, a week or a month from now, I wish I could do the back space key on this post.  But it is how I feel today.  I don't have it all together right now.  My puzzle is all jumbled up and nothing seems to fit.  I know that in the days and weeks to come, the pieces will start coming together but today I just can't see how it is going to work.  I am tired.  I am tired of trying my hardiest and working my tail off and feeling like I just am not getting anywhere.  I am tired of feeling like I have to give up this or that just so I can save enough money for tires for my car or someone to put ceiling fans in my house.  I just need life and God to give me a break for a long time!

And friends, when I don't come running to help with your personal problems, please don't be mad!  I just need a break from being the rock, the go to person for advise for awhile.  I need a rock to stabilize me for a change.  I need to time to figure out me and not seeking out the approval of people in unhealthy ways.  I just need to "re"rock myself.

That's all for today.

Blogging Project - Day 16

Bullet Your Whole Day

5:30 am - First Alarm goes off trying to coax me out of bed.6:05 am - Finally made it out of bed. (Yes - I am not a morning person)
6:55 am - Out the door and on the way to work

7:25 am - Stop at the grocery store for fruit & lunch (I didn't make it to the grocery store this weekend & have I mentioned I LOVE summer traffic?)

7:40 am - First Diet Coke and the work day begins!

8:45 am - I take a break

11:30 am - Enjoyed a Lean Cuisine for lunch.

12:15 pm - Spent 45 minutes teaching an 80(ish) man and his wife how to navigate their computer by using the minimize button and logging into the website.  I just remind myself that I am teaching my grandparents on these calls.

1:30 pm  - Everyone is back from lunch and I take my 1/2 hour lunch

3:00 pm - Had an interview for a new job here in the company.  Anything to get me out of an environment of where one person walks on water and can do nothing all day!

4:10 pm - Left NFP for the drive home

4:30 pm - Pit stop at Petco for dog food for the munchinkins

4:50 pm - Pulled into the driveway, gave the dogs some love, some food, changed clothes and then got the two settled on the back porch.  Since Finn's heat stroke, I put up the baby gate so they can't leave the back porch.  It gives them more room to stretch their legs than a crate but ensures Finn can't give himself heat stroke again.

5:25pm - Back out the door for Lowe's.  Pit stopped at McDs for a small bite to eat since I was running late.

5:45 pm - Clocked in at Lowe's

10:40 pm - Finally left Lowe's

11:10 pm - Crawled into bed and made the mistake of check FB and email and so ensued (former) friend drama.

12:30 pm - Finally Crashed

5:30 am - Alarm went off again

6:15 am - Finally got out of bed.  :)

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Life Drama - (HATE it)

So my (now former) friend I went camping with created drama like no other yesterday.  When we got back into town on Sunday - I was not feeling so hot and didn't want to do what I needed to do in her parents bathroom and hurried home.  I didn't get her the money for the camp ground but figured I would catch up with her and get it to her.  The total bill was $33 so not earth shattering.  I sent her a message last night about getting her the money - I pay up - that is what I am suppose to do. 

Well, fast forward to me coming home to find all of these rants on Facebook about her friends take advantage of a single mom and just use her, blah, blah, blah.  I just replied that I was sorry that failing to pay her $7 was me taking advantage of a single mom.  Needless to say - the drama that triggered was really sad. 

I was told "maybe you should examine yourself in the mirror being 37 single and no kids".  Hmmm, I own my own house, have two jobs, own my car and take care of me.  Of course, this is coming from someone who is 27, lives with her parents, has two kids, never been married, does not have a job, has no support from a baby daddy, government provides for her kids, she uses school loan money for going to school part time at night and to maintain her acrylic nails, pedicures and drinking and then complains when she is denied for more aide.  Hmmmm, I think i will keep my life and cut out the drama friend with messed up values.  To quote her "Work for things really....good to know you feel that way.  I've worked my ass off since the day I had my kids and have never asked nor taken money from anyone since."  You be the judge...I have my opinion.

Blogging Project - Day 15

My view on mainstream music

In reality - I love all music.  I'll listen to it all.  My iPod will even attest to that.  Probably the only difference today from a few years ago, is that I listen to less classical music.  In college, that was my choice to study to.  I take that back, it wasn't really a choice.  I couldn't study to quiet, couldn't study while watching tv, and if it was anything other than classical music, I found myself singing along and not really "reading" what I was suppose to.
 
There is some music that I do listen to in moderation, I just can't stand a ton of it.  Heavy metal and heavy rap.  Otherwise, it is all fair game.  At home, my bathroom radio is set to one of the current Country radion stations.  I think I have stuck with this one, more because they have a routine, they do things at certain times and honestly, I can tell if I am running ahead of schedule or behind schedule without even looking at the clock.  The station on the receiver in the living room is set to Top 40.  I have to have something fun to clean to!  The car, well it rotates.  Most mornings I am still half asleep on the way in and do not want to hear anyone talking!  I just want music and to be able to stay in sleep mode as long as possible!
 
 

This is one of my favorite pictures of me.  Of course thank you goes out to my cuz for creatively editing out my Ex.  :)

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I had a pretty awesome weekend!  Saturday morning I headed South to tube the Comal River with some friends.  It has turned into an annual trip that happens around a friends birthday!  Needless to say - there was a LOT of fun had and a lot of alcohol that was drank.  After spending the day on the river, we ended up camping up near Canyon Lake.  I wish we would of had more time up there because we set up shop after it was dark and it was beautiful to see in the morning.  Hopefully I will have some pictures that one can share soon.  Yesterday was a recovery day with some cleaning and yard work thrown in the mix.  Today - I am exhausted and feel like I never slept.  Ugggh....love Monday's.
 
But, the good news is that I only have two more Monday's and then VACATION.  So excited to just have time off!  Momma keeps asking me what my plans are and I just want to enjoy some down time!!  No alarms.  No meetings.  Just Maddox time, family time and friend time.  I don't care about the particulars, let's just enjoy it!

Blogging Project - Day 14

Your Favorite Tumblrs

Does anyone know what a Tumblr(s) is?  Not me. 

Wikipedia defines Tumblr as "is a microblogging platform that allows users to post text, images, videos, links, quotes and audio to their tumblelog, a short-form blog. Users can follow other users, or choose to make their tumblelog private. The service emphasizes ease of use.[5]" 

I guess it is another blogging site like blogspot.com.  What I can tell you is that I have never used it or realized that as of May 1, 2011, Tumblr included more than 5 billion total posts and over 17.5 million total blogs. 

So, if I assume Tumblrs means bloggers, than I would have to say that Runner is my favorite blogger.  However, I don't think she blogs much anymore.  I do read a few others as well.  One is about a ladies giant weight loss journey.  It is nice because they post reviews of videos, etc.  That blog is Lynn's Weigh.  There are a few others but none that I go to on a regular basis.

Enjoying the lake with friends.

Just a early glimps of the boats gathering.  Yes - that is my house on the hill. :)

Blogging Project - Day 13

Funny how life gets in the way sometimes.  Of course - I find in fun when my mom points out I haven't been blogging.  At least I know someone is reading it - right?

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Somewhere you'd like to move or visit

I find this one interesting because five years ago, I would of told you me moving would be from one apartment to another or to a house; never would it be to a new city or state.  But, I did take a leap and moved to Texas and while there will always be some doubt about the move based upon how things have worked out, I couldn't imagine not living here.  Is there a move in my future?  I don't have the answer to that question and it isn't something that I will ever rule out.  Life presents new opportunities at any time and sometimes you just need to take them and enjoy the ride.

As for where I would like to visit?  I honestly want to say that I have vacationed in all 50 states by the time that I die.  Will that happen?  I don't know.  I know there is plenty to see and do in the US that most take for granted.  It would not be appropriate to live life without camping in Yellowstone National Park!  I also know that I would like to visit some luxury vacation spots as well - I mean The Virigin Islands, Costa Rica, Australia - I'm not greedy.  Of course - we do have a tenative schedule to go to an all-inclusive resort in Mexico in order to celebrate my parents 40th Wedding Anniversary, my 40th Birthday and my brother's 5 year wedding anniversary.  It only means one thing people - start saving - you have 2 1/2 years before we party!!

But in reality - as much as I would like those vacation spots, in reality most of my vacation is spent with the important people in my life - my family & friends.  Maybe one of these days I can get my family to pick one of those vacation spots like camping in Yellowstone versus me driving back to Nebraska.  However, until that happens, I am perfectly content with a 12 hour drive to see my awesome peeps!

Auntie Jenn & Maddox on his first Birthday!

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Life Note - In reality just a lot of the same old, same old.  I had a fabulous memorial weekend!  The highlight was spending Monday at Lake Travis with some friends.  Of course, it didn't matter how much sunscreen one puts on when you spend four hours in the water - you still end up fried!  We were out on the water for 7 hours and you haven't seen anything until you see 100's of boats tying off to each other.

The big pieces I dug up!

This past weekend was spent "installing" my new purchase, a 10 foot Bradford Pear tree.  Let's just say one thing - this sucks in Texas.  Any digging requires at least an axe of some sort.  Apparently there is a bar of some sort that would of made life easier too.  In the end I don't recommend doing this when it is a 100 degrees out and you are digging through lime stone - it sucks.  But, if you didn't see the pics on facebook, here are the most important three:

My new tree & mound of dirt & rock!

Yup - this is me still smiling after it all!