Broken Promises

I think my Facebook post said it best on Saturday:  "I've been through some pretty bad things in life but this has to be one of the worst. My (heart) hurts."

On Saturday, I had to put down one of my foster dogs, Bentley.  It was not a decision that I made but one I had to follow through on as a foster.  It is a decision that breaks my heart and I still want to cry when I think of those big brown eyes staring and me and giving me kisses in his final moments.

You can see all the mats and hot spots

Over the Labor Day weekend I was asked to pick up a dog from Corpus Christi that was being turned in by their owners.  They had a heartbreaking story that resulted in them loosing their home and having to give up their pets.  It was a sad situation as they were using an electrical cord as a make-shift leash.  The dog was in sad shape, with an ear infection, in desperate need of grooming and had hot spots, from what I could see. 

The oldest daughter was 14 and just sobbed and didn't want to give up the dog.  I think we spent more time waiting for her to give him up than it took to fill out all the paperwork.  As soon as I thought we could get him in the crate, she would just hug him tighter and pleading with her mom to not let go of the dog, to let her keep it.  I promised her then and there that we would find a great home for this dog and he would have his happily ever after.  That is what this rescue does, we find great homes.

How I failed. 

Sitting patiently having the mats cut off.

I had Bentley the first week after picking him up.  That Monday, I did a hack job on him trying to cut off the mats.  He was such a trooper and while he didn't want me near his ear (for good reason) he never got snippy with me.  The next day he was ushered to the vets to be checked and get treated for his raging ear infection.  Outside of the ear infection, he was in good healthy.  Thursday was a trip to the groomers to clean up my clipping.  The poor guy was so scared by that point that I had to call for him when I picked him up, he did not want to come out of the crates in the back at Petco. 

I sent as much information to the rescue team as I could about him and they continued to work to find him a foster home.  One was found and I met the new foster family that Friday.  Unfortunately by Saturday evening, he had bit one child twice and attempted to bite another adult.  So, Sunday he was back in my home.

No, he was not one of the dogs that made the trip back to Nebraska with me.  I knew he was still too unsettled and given the number of children that would be around, I did not want to take the chance or stress him more, so he was kenneled at the vets office. 

The happy dog

90% of the time, he was such a great dog.  He was eager to please, enjoyed his walks and wanted to snuggle.  The other 10%, you just did not know what he was going to do.  I doubt that he was ever trained.  I had to work with him on treats, the first week I thought I was going to loose a finger, but by the end, he was getting more careful with each piece.  He created a fear that he would bite you if he didn't want to do what he was instructed to do.  If I grabbed him by the collar, his first reaction was almost always turning to try and bite.  He bit me once when I was trying to pick up Guinness food bowl out of her crate, that he had claimed at that moment.

Because of this, he was not considered adoptable by the rescue president.  I understand and know it was best for him.  I would not want a child or someone else to be seriously hurt if they were bit by him.  But, it was so painfully hard to do.  It was almost as if he knew and was pleading with me.

Friday night he was extra cuddly and spent most of the evening on the couch with me.  When I told him it was time for bed, he went to his crate, no issues.  Saturday morning he just followed me around and would lay in whatever room I happened to be. 

My last picture of him.  Waiting for the vet.

Saturday, I took at dog that was so excited to go for a car ride and was nothing but tail wags and put him to forever sleep.  I stayed with him through the end with some last kisses from him and those big brown eyes forever staring at me.  As with all fosters, I opened my home and heart to him. 

I hope that he forgives me for the failed promise of happily ever after with a new family.  I hope if the family ever learns of what came of him, they too will forgive me.

Maybe my heart is not cut out to be a foster mom.

RIP sweet buddy.

Jaded

So I should that the bright side of the story to come is that so far I have managed to avoid my stress eating and will not cave to it. It isn't worth it.


I called Runner yesterday because I knew that if I blogged about it, she would of been the only one to respond on what her thoughts were. But then, after the full ramification of everything set in, I was just in shock and had to blog about it. My momma says I am wrong, Runner says I am right. Whatever the answer is, in the end I have learned that they probably really weren't a friend at all.

It's Lowe's drama. I hate it and have decided that working there or not, I am done with that drama and being friends with anyone there. They better be darn special or I am out. There was a group of five that like to refer to themselves as the "Wolfe Pack", think The Hangover. Now, individually I am friends with all them, probably closer to two of them than the other three. However, I was NOT part of the Wolfe Pack and it was always made clear. I was told on more than one occasion by The Skinny Biotch that I just don't understand that they have been through so much together. In any event, they would do things together, for example travel to San Antonio for dinner & partying, that was Wolfe Pack only. Basically, if you weren't part of the five, you were excluded.

I have always felt that I had things in common with Skinny Biotch. She was single, just bought her first house, similar in age, etc. Anyway, I helped her all the time. Helped her move, mowed & loaned my lawn mower when she first got her house and didn't have one, hauled things in my car for her to her house. Friends do that. We would go out to dinner. If she had a bad day, I would invite her over after work for dinner. I thought we were friends.

Then there is the guy that I will call Eye Candy who is also part of the Wolfe Pack. Heaven knows that he is eye candy but is a completely down to earth guy. There is a certain attraction factor there and he reminds me a lot of guys that I have dated. However, he is over 10 years my younger and because of that I would never date him because I would never see it working out. I have joined him and his family for pick up softball games before. Well, over time, let's just say that it was more than just friends, friends with benefits I think they call it. It was one of those things that just happened and I knew it would it ever go any farther than were it was, in my head we would never "date".


So, the inter-twine comes in that Skinny Biotch considered Eye Candy a brother. They had been involved for a time, which I didn't know when I first got together with Eye Candy. But, she was fully aware of what was going on between Eye Candy and I.

I truly love how Facebook has become the new medium to "announce" things. Yesterday Eye Candy posted some new pictures of an adorable little girl. Well, apparently in all of our time around each other, he failed to mention that he was going to be a dad. Is he with the baby momma? I don't know, if he is I know he hasn't been faithful. I was caught off guard by it but after talking to him, understood that he wanted to tell his family first and that we were friends that just had the extra.

Well, I sent a text to Skinny Biotch to see if she had talked to him lately? She asked what was up and I told her that he is a dad. Her response was "Yeah, I have known for awhile. I am happy that he is happy. I'm glad you finally know." WTF?!?!?! That I finally know?

Okay, maybe I am missing something but to me this breaks friend code. If you know your girlfriend has been shagging with a guy and learns he is going to be a dad, you inform your girlfriend of this, right?!? I mean, I get that he wasn't telling people and she is friends with him but shouldn't she of at least filled me in so I wasn't shagging with him?

My stance is that if it was my friend, I would of had respect for my girlfriend and both friendships to tell the girlfriend and respect that she would keep it quiet and put an end to things. However, Skinny Biotch's stance is that she was told something in secret and it needs to be kept that way. Well, because I even questioned her about it and why she didn't tell me, I was informed that I completely insulted her, she was NOT coming to my house Saturday for the football party and got home last night to learn that we are also no longer friends on Facebook, her doing.

Looking back, I just laugh at it. It is petty drama and I still will stand that if the shoe were reversed, I would have said something. Maybe it is fucked up in my brain because I am not mad that Eye Candy didn't tell me right away but feel that Skinny Biotch should of.  But, in the end it doesn't matter.  Skinny Biotch made it clear friendship she liked better and obviously it wasn't mine when she ended our friendship. 

It is probably wrong for me to say, but I just don't care.  Maybe I am jaded.  However, I have been through so much shit in my life that I have to have people in my life that have my back.  If you can't support me and help me through it or even get why I might be upset by something, then I don't want you in my life.  I'm jaded.

Can't and The Misfits

As a softball coach, Can't was just a word I hated. To me, the girls had already mentally given up on something. I never was blessed with the best athletes out there. But I was blessed with great girls that had potential, were willing to work to get better, worked great as a team and had some of the best parents out there. The best team I ever had was the years of The Misfits. In a normal year, our club ball selections were done in August of the prior year. I thought the team was set and then do to a million reasons, I was suddenly left with 4 or 5 girls and not enough players for a team. It was winter in Nebraska, so having another tryout just wasn't going to be on the table. One family refused to see the situation for what it was and informed me there will be a team. And a team we had, the team of Misfits. It was a merger of two teams that didn't have enough players, it was players that were looking for a team, it was players that just didn't know they wanted to play that much. The Misfits worked hard and came together as a group. They might not have all been friends in a normal day to day basis but at the end of the day, they were teammates on the field. The team that was least expected to do well finished tied for 15th place in the Class B National Tournament that year all because Can't wasn't an option.

I know and accept I probably wasn't the easiest coach to have. I was hard on the girls and pushed each one to their break point. We had the girly girls, the tomboys, the athletes, the social players, we had them all. But at the end of day, they were all treated to the same and held to the same expectations. Softball was just a game and the practices and games that came with it were the lessons of life. You can't be late every day to your job and not expect consequences, softball was no different. Can't was not going to be an option in their life.

To a certain extent, I have kept in touch with a lot of players that I have coached in life. I have seen them graduate high school, graduate college, get married, have babies of their own, etc, almost as a proud parent. However, I really never knew the impact I had in their life until that silly number game on Facebook. The number game was easy, you sent the person a number and then that person updated their status on what their thoughts of that person were.

I sent Hollywood a message just for fun to see what she had to say. I call her Hollywood because she was my girly girl on the softball field. I think she is the only player I have had that had a serious gift for making a black eye disappear with a touch of makeup. She made the choice not play softball in High School but stuck with club team. To the outside world, she was such a girly girl but to our team, she was the competitor, she hated losing and did everything in her will power to try and play softball at Nationals when she was really sick. She has a great family and is a beautiful person in and out. The following is what she had to say....

#13 I CANNOT EXPRESS IN WORDS HOW MUCH YOU HAVE INFLUENCED ME THROUGH MY LIFE. THERE ARE TIMES STILL TO THIS DAY THAT I CAN HEAR YOUR VOICE IN THE BACK OF MY HEAD. TELLING ME TO ELIMINATE 'CAN'T' FROM MY VOCABULARY AND THAT MY MENTAL STRENGTH CAN GET ME THROUGH PHYSICAL PAIN. I STILL REMEMBER YOU YELLING THAT YOUR GRANDMOTHER CAN RUN FASTER! :D #13 continued YOU PUSHED ME TO BECOME A BETTER ATHLETE BUT IT CHANGED MY LIFE IN SO MANY AMAZING WAYS. I WISH THAT I WOULD HAVE KNOWN WHAT I KNOW NOW THEN ABOUT HOW MUCH BETTER OF A PERSON I WOULD BE IN THE FUTURE BECAUSE OF YOUR LEADERSHIP. I COULD GO ON AND ON AND ON BECAUSE I AM SO GRATEFUL....I'M SORRY, BUT I AM REVEALING YOU xxx. THANK YOU!

Honestly I had never expected the answer in a million years nor would ever feel that I had to be the first person to admit that I forgot my own speeches and have not been listening to my own advice. Can't...how many times have I used that world in my life in Texas, too many to even admit.

Can't is a word that can hinder a weight loss plan. It is an easy word to just to get out of workouts - I can't today - just don't have time. I have definitely allowed it to hinder mine. Can't is a word so easy to use, so easy to define your mental attitude towards something and so easy to be the excuse out. Yesterday's post was an eye opener for me. It helped me realize how much I was depending on that word. While I recognize that today hasn't the best start to my eating, I can change the way I finish my day with food and exercise. I can walk, I can make healthy food choices and I can kick Can't to the curb!

In the spirit of Hollywood, goodbye Can't, hello Can!! Are you willing to celebrate Can?