Control

I think that some thought that my blog about the EX having a baby with the mistress was in somehow being disappointed about things not working out, so much not so the case.

So, tonight after plans fell through with the girls, I sat down and was watching Oprah that was on last week. I record her but don't necessarily watch it all the time. The subject was “Stay Alive” and about the new tool to keep you safe. I was intrigued, so I started watching it.

Well, basically it was about surviving domestic violence. I sit here and listen to Oprah saying, I don’t get how people stay when you get hit. It is so hard to put into words why you stay. I was in love. Then there is the control game that they play. They beat you down so you feel like your self worth is so low that you couldn’t do better than them, that you depend them to stand on your own two feet.

Honestly the first time that I got hit was very early in the relationship. I think we had started dating in February. It happened Memorial Weekend. We had gone to Kansas City for the weekend to celebrate his birthday. I knew that there were issues with his drinking but didn’t realize the extent of his problem. We had gone out drinking that night. I really don’t know what triggered it outside of his drinking but he was pissed by the time we got back to the hotel room.

The hitting started. I was scared shitless but knew I wasn’t going to get out of the room and then what? Where would I go? By that point, the isolation had already begun with my friends and family so I didn’t feel I could call them. I stuck it out. I know that I really didn’t sleep that night. I think we were up half of it fighting and he just kept on drinking.

I remember the drive home back to Nebraska the next day. I ended up driving because he wasn’t sober. I fell asleep and actually almost drove us off the road because I was so exhausted. I don’t know why I stayed. He promised change, the control continued and I was really just don’t have a good answer. Why do I write it now, maybe it is because of the Oprah show, maybe a reminder of why I am so blessed to be free!

There are so many more stories that could be told, being pushed down the stairs, being beat on, belittled, and on and on. But, they are part of my past. Yes, it will change how I enter into relationships but at the end of the day, I know my future husband will understand. I also know (or hope) that my family and friends will drag me out of any relationship, even if I am screaming and kickin, if they suspect any relationship isn’t healthy for me. I might have had two years of being poisoned against my family and friends but at the end of the day – they are the bomb and I will spend the rest of my days making up those two years to them! I just regret those friendships that I lost during that time and probably will never heal.