Some days, it is all I can do, just put one foot in front of the other, make it through the problem, the fear, the anger, just to survive.
Yesterday I had a horrible headache. It was still there when I got home from Lowe's - my favorite 13 hour work day Tuesday. I was out right tired but couldn't sleep because of the headache. I was making me sick and nothing was cutting. So, if I am up, might as well surf Facebook. I mean I think I have 250 friends, so it isn't like I see everyone's status updates so I surf on occasion just to see what is up. Well, I have been friends with the Ex's mom on Facebook for a long time so I went to see if she had any updates. Nothing, but the Ex’s sister had wrote on her wall so out of curiosity, I went and looked at her pictures, wanted to see how the kids were. Well, there was a picture of a new baby on her page. I didn’t really think about it, I mean, she already has 6 kids, what is one more. But then, I saw someone make a comment, tell your brother congratulations. WTF? There is only one brother, the Ex. Long story short, it is his baby, born a few weeks ago with the woman he has been living with since we broke up, the same one he swore he wasn’t cheating on me with.
God the emotions I have. Here I am, working 7 days a week, struggling to get by because I took a $7,000 pay cut because of this great life we were going to have in Texas. Sure, his life hasn’t been a bed of roses, but somehow, it feels like he came out ahead. I still have the debt we had together. I am the one making less today than before I met him, I have few friends because I have to work all the time to cover the debt and less income. Sure, I own a house, but I feel like I am just getting by.
I am just putting one foot in front of the other today, trying to let it go. Dwelling on the past of what could have been isn’t going to help today or change tomorrow. I tell myself that God did me a favor that I never got pregnant while we were together. Heaven knows we weren’t careful.
Maybe part of it is a kick in the gut just because it is HER. Or because, while we rarely talk, he has never said anything about it. He told me he was trying to shield me from it, his words.
Well here is my shield….Fuck you. It might kill me and I might not have friends here and have to work my ASS off, but I will come out so far ahead it won’t be funny. And this time, I won't be using food as comfort. Your sorry ass will be motivation to run that much farther. Then I will happily run over your sorry ass.
2 comments:
WOW! That sucks! Even tho you don't want to be with him and know you are WAY better off it still sucks. I know exactly what you mean tho! Look at my ex...he's a loser that never wants to see his kid...hasn't seen her since last July...but yet he's all excited to have a kid with his new wife to be. What makes this kid better than mine? I could go on for hours with examples. Just keep ur chin up and remember you deserve so much better! And one day we will have our double wedding and have babies! :]
Sorry about the headache and really sorry about the Ex and the baby. You WILL end up ahead and you'll have a healthy baby one day with a HEALTHY man, not one that you have to constantly wonder about. Love you!
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