The Diving Board

I remember as a child that first time on the diving board.  You know that there was always someone there in the deep there to catch you.  You knew that had been thru swimming lessons and you could do this.  You talk yourself through this...you can do it.

But then you get on the diving board and walk out to the edge and look down and doubt starts to creep in.  Can I do this?  What happens if I go all the way to the bottom?  What happens if they forget to help me?  You finally decide to plug your nose and make that leap of faith. Then after you hit the water, there is that 5 seconds of panic in life where you are doing everything possible just to get back to the top of the water, hoping it wasn't a mistake to jump and then just to find that point where you feel safe again.  Tuesday night was just that for me, standing on the edge of the diving board, so afraid to make that leap but at the same time, so excited about what was ahead. 

Ever since the Ex, I have always been guarded about putting myself out there.  In 3 1/2 years, I have never felt safe enough, comfortable enough to make that jump.  Sure there have been boyfriends along the way but they were never close relationships and tended to fizzle out over time.  I know the Ex was a one of a kind and there are so many good guys out there, I have met some of them.  But there is also that moment where you have to jump off the end of the board to make that next step or turn around and walk off the way you came on.

As most know, NoDIY moved in the first part of December so this relationship has been far from a normal route.  He had a very bad living situation that continued to go south and we decided he would move in until he could find another place to go.  In essence, he was staying there anyway, we just made it more than an overnight bag.  I think this was really my first jump off the diving board and a scary moment for me.  My mom will attest to the phone call I made that night realizing that it had just become a lot more permanent and he brought more things for this "temporary" situation than I could have ever imagined.  Well mom talked me through that night, I made the jump and life has been good since then.  I surfaced just like you expect yourself too and life went on.

Well, this past weekend, I was suffering major rounds of PMS.  More so than normal, especially since the doctor has had me on these birth control pills with higher doses of hormones to deal with the other female issues.  It was funny because I knew it was happening, I could feel myself just letting dumb stuff bother me and in turn taking it all out on NoDIY.  I would say that Friday night/Saturday morning was our first official fight but he informs me he didn't see it as a fight.  So, we at least have that track record going. 

It didn't matter what I did, it didn't matter how many miles I walked with the dogs or how many runs I went on, I couldn't get my mind to shut off.  Monday, I was off for the holiday and NoDIY was home and he knew things were still bothering me.  I just told him I didn't want to talk about it, then I spouted something about how it was an essence his fault and took off out the door for a run.  Even running, I felt the tears and just fighting with myself about how miserable I was in the relationship, blah, blah, blah and keep in mind we have never had a fight.  At the same time, I knew what was wrong and what I had to do to fix it but I just couldn't, it was easier to blame PMS, it would go away and it was easier to blame him.

Well Tuesday night he went out for a drink with one of his buddies and when he came home, we started talking.  It was then that I realized that I was standing on the diving board.  I couldn't take the easy way out of past relationships because this guy lived in my house, it wouldn't be easy and I couldn't go on doing what I was doing to either one of us.  It was at that moment that I realized somewhere along the way, I let my heart go and had fallen for him.  So, I had to make that choice at the edge of the board of do I tell him or do I take the hard way out?  Well, I made that jump and told him that I had fallen in love with him.  Of course, I still  had my 30 seconds of panic trying to come up for air only to realize it is all going to be okay, he feels the same and has felt more at home than he has in years.

As hard as it has been to make that jump, I can trust my heart is in good hands.  Of course, the rest of the week has been smooth sailing and think the past weekend would have been a lot different if I would of made the leap early.

Life can have it's scary moments for us and while we are faced with that choice at the end of the diving board to jump or not, as scary as it can be, the reward is always worth the risk.