A Season to be Thankful!

It is hard to believe that Thanksgiving has already come and gone this year.  Even more amazing is that working two jobs is over a month past.  I cannot imagine ever going back to working two jobs nor do I think I will ever take on that challenge!  I think I can find other things to occupy my time!

Life definitely has had some interesting and good changes on my end.  Part of me still has that apprehension that nags in the back of my mind but it is something that I am slowly working through.  I like to think of it as baby steps in having a healthy relationship for a change.  Yep, I said that word, relationship.

Now, I must put this disclaimer out there that we have not used the words boyfriend/girlfriend to describe our status.  However, it is probably pretty safe to say that it is more than just dating.  Since Halloween, NoDIY and I have been spending a lot of time together, or at least as much as works.  Right now he lives 30 miles south of me which means if there is ZERO traffic, it takes at least 30 minutes to get there.  But, since I have to pass through downtown, it is not very often that I have zero traffic opportunities.  So, that said, we don't really spend much time together during the work week and spend most of the time together on the weekends.

Okay, well maybe I should say that we spend the entire weekend together, or close to it.  It is either me going down to his place or him coming up to my house.  We actually were talking last night that about how easy it is to be around each other and not feel like we have to be someone else or if he is at my house, I don't have that feeling of hosting a guest there.  Of course the pups love him and I continue to joke with him that the dogs get more love than I do!

As for Thanksgiving in Austin, this year was different.  I have a test that I need to take for work that my annual bonus is tied to.  So, even though I LOVE my Houston family, I do like that money in the bank at year end and opted to stay in Austin so I could focus on studying.  I did spend the day at NoDIY's house after doing a few loads of laundry and getting a four mile run in.  We had a very non-traditional meal of steak, potatoes, chicken noodles and corn.  Don't get me wrong, I did miss the turkey and all the family traditions but sometimes change is good too!

So that is my goings on right now.  Life consists of work, studying, running, and a boy.  I don't think life is too bad!

Redneck VIP Dream

Yes, it was the VIP dream weekend.  I don't know if it was on my Bucket List originally but it is now and it is crossed off.  Last week one of my co-workers asked if I would go to Dallas with her this past weekend.  Pirate scored suite tickets to the Nationwide Series race on Saturday in Fort Worth through her Nationwide rep.  Unfortunate for Pirate's husband, he could not go and lucky me got to go instead!  Okay, well really I was the back up to the back up but who cares!

Pirate left work at noon that day so she could spend time with her family in Dallas.  I worked pretty close to a normal day, headed home to take care of the pups, finish packing and then met her at her cousins house.  It was a nice evening in which her aunts, uncles and cousins all got together for dinner and allowed me to join in.  We stayed up late, well 11, chatting with her cousins. 

As painful as it was, the alarm clock went off at 5 am Saturday.  We had to be out of the house so we could head towards Fort Worth from Waxachachie (I love names of towns in Texas), drop off my car at the hotel and get to the race track by 8 am.  We managed to make it happen!

Yes - we were royalty!  We had VIP Valet parking!  We had tickets to the Nationwide suite, provided with breakfast and a bunch of fun things, hats, blankets, etc from Nationwide.  After Breakfast, Kenny Wallace came to talk to our group.  We actually learned of the suspension of Kyle Busch right before it had been announced on ESPN.  After he was done, we took group pictures with him.  (I'm still waiting on those!).

We then went in groups down to the track.  We received behind the scenes tours of the Garages, Pit Row, Winners Circle and the Start/Finish Line.  I posted a bunch of pictures on Facebook and need to go back and explain what they all are.  I never realized that all racers have two cars brought to the track just in case something happens with their main car during qualifying.  When we were down on the Start/Finish line, it was right before the Nationwide race was going to start and they were introducing all of the drivers for that day before they took them on a lap around the track.  We were up close and personal with the drivers!  I was so close, as you can see in this picture,  that I even managed to give Danica Patrick a high five as she walked by!

After the introductions, we were escorted back up to the suite where we were provided lunch and was able to watch the race.  Let's just say that a Nascar race in person is just about as exciting as it is on TV.  Although, the Texas Motor Speedway is known to be a boring track because it is so big, the cars are spread out and there are not a lot of wrecks.  I will say that I did realize that the cars go a LOT faster than they appear on TV.  We were able to watch the Sprint Cup Drivers do their practice runs in the morning and it was crazy.  But, they were gone from the garages by the time I got to tour.  :(  And, these drivers are so short that I never realized how short they were.  Heck, with heels, I was taller than some of them and we know that is saying a lot.

If you ever get a chance to go, I suggest renting a pair of these sexy headphones.  Just it tunes out some of the noise but it also allows you to listen to the radio.  Basically you pick your car number and you can hear the radio conversations between the driver, the spotters and the pits.  Pretty awesome!  I'd say I rocked Redneck Sexy! 

Kinda Goolish

You know, I think that I could get use to this not working two jobs.  :) 

Really, it didn't hit me until yesterday that I don't have Lowe's to go to anymore.  The weekend felt just like, a weekend off from Lowe's.  Friday night, my roommate, RN, and I went costume shopping.  Well, apparently either the costumes got smaller when they shipped or they are still using the sizing from 20 years ago because a 10-14 which should fit me, well was way crazy tight.  So, I became the plus-size girl costume.  :)  The Risky Ref.

Now Saturday, it is crazy amazing the things one can do without working at Lowe's and then just being tired from working all the time!  My Lowe's Saturday usually consisted of me working 7 - 2 and then going home and taking a nap for an hour or two, then trying to cram everything else into the night.

Well, not this week.  I managed to sleep in.  Got up, took the Grey Speed Racer in to get the oil changed and washed.  Of course, they also pointed out that I should have my brake fluid replaced since I had never had it done and it has 60,000 miles.  So, I put up the dough for that.  After that, I ran a few errands and then went and exchanged RN's shoes and found some shoes for me for the party.  Was a little late getting home so utilized the DVR to catch up on my Husker game.  They were awesome!  After that, it was time to get down to some cleaning, complete with a hands & knees scrub the floor kind of cleaning.  After that, I took the dogs for a run, then hit the gas station & liquor store and it was finally time to get ready for the party.  (Anyone else tired - cause I should of been!)

NoDIY and I have been texted back and forth a lot lately.  No idea what prompted it, but it has been happening.  Anyway, he was having a Halloween Party and invited me to go. RN decided she would go to and so, after she got off work, we headed south.  I think probably my most awkward moment of the night was when we got there and were told everyone was outside.  Of course, we walk out the door to realize there were two girls there and then us two and of course, the deck was covered with all guys.  It was just weird to walk out and have everyone staring and not really seeing faces to know where NoDIY was in the crowd. 

But, in the end, it was a really fun night.  Julie left early because she had a 12 hour shift the next day.  I, on the other hand, did not make it out until noon the next day.  Heehee.  I think it was midnight when we all opted to go to the bar and then went back to NoDIY's house and had more drinks and of course, he had out of control friend drama break out.  Some of which was the first I had ever seen and hope I don't witness that again.  Then, since he is at least 40 minutes south of my house, I did the responsable thing and didn't drive home.

RN is on the far left, NoDIY in the middle and myself on the far right

Of course, every fun time should end with the flu.  After spending half the day thinking it was a hangover, I realized by 6 pm it was the stomach flu.  When you can't even keep toast or liquids down, it is more than a hangover!  Yesterday I managed to keep food down but my stomach still hated me.  Never mind the dehydration headache I still had going and the fact I am still battling the allergies and trying to avoid getting a sinus infection.  Can you say Train Wreck?  Oh, and I should mention that one of the dogs has this flu stuff too, so even when I think I am getting better, I have come home to a lovely mess that makes me sick all over again.

A New Doctor For the New Doctor

That is what I need.  I don't like the new doctor's new message, so the logical solution is find a new doctor, right?

So, this all started back in September when I got the news that my fasting blood sugar was higher than the normal range.  (I covered the call in That Day.)  Well, I trust my female doctor 110%.  He is the one doctor that I have seen from the beginning of living in Austin.  So, I trust his recommendation compared with the other doctors I have visited with off and on for colds since moving here.

Well, today was the day that I visited the new doctor.  Don't get me wrong, she is a really nice lady.  However, have you ever gone into an appointment thinking you know how it is going to turn out and then live in total denial when the answers were so not what you were thinking?  That they have to be off their rocker and refuse to change?  That there was me.

So, the message?  While I have not officially been diagnosed with Diabetes, my life needs to change.  I need to start living like I have Diabetes, starting now and in the end, by living like I have it, I may be able to avoid being diagnosed as having. Let's be clear, Dr. Bartos is NOT kidding around on this!  I had to make an appointment for three months out in which I have to go in and she will check my progress.  Let's not kid ourselves either, this is not a two appointment deal with her.  No, I have to go in to see her every three months for the next year.  WTF!  Really?  I mean, I have to sacrifice my doughnuts for breakfast?  No more snacks from the vending machine (cause I know they are not diabetes friendly)?  How does a diabetic survive the monthly chocolate attacks?

I know, it's my life we are talking about.  I realize that while I am not at my heaviest weight, I am still 50 lbs heavier than high school and 40 lbs heavier than my best in shape college body.  I know that given my Grammy and Mom are Type 2 diabetics and my Uncle and little brother are Type 1 diabetics the odds are in my favor.  Anyone that knows my mom, Grammy and little brother would look at them and say they do not fit the mold for someone that is a diabetic.  Yep, those are my genes that I inherited. 

I had a long talk with my mom tonight about it all.  Obviously making the right choices is something that I was raised around but never really had to think about them. My mom has been around the block a few times with diabetes, she agreed with what Dr. Bartos was saying and her approach.  Momma knows best and reminded me that if I follow Weight Watchers like I should be, I will be living like a diabetic. 

So tomorrow begins the change of Part III of my healthy life.  (Part I was free for all and Part II was living limited-Lactose diet.)  Tomorrow beings a new journey living like I am a diabetic in the hopes that I do not have to hear that I am Diabetic and rendered to a life of pin pricks, medication and trying to control my levels.  I know that I am going to make mistakes along the way as I learn to make better choices.  I know that I am going to have failures and successes when I am with friends and in social settings.  But, I also realize that I am going to lose weight along the way and will be living a healthier life. 

So, here is to Dr. Bartos seeing a little less of me in three months and an A1C number that declares I am not diabetic!

Back in the right direction

Well last week I failed to blog about my Weight Watcher's update.  I don't know if it was a "forgot", so much as didn't wanted to admit.  It wasn't pretty.  I was up.  I realized I can't have a free for all weekend and still hope that the rest of the week makes up for it.  Apparently it doesn't work that way. 

This week I did better.  I still need to focus on journaling.  I know that if I get that process going, the rest will really start going.  I also started my Couch to 5K again.  I am on Week 1, Day 3 now, so not far into it, but starting. 

My day yesterday was exhausting and posted as much on Facebook last night.  Here it was:
6:55 am - Left the house for work
7:00 am - Stopped at the gas station
7:40 am - Stopped at the grocery store for a few staples
7:45 am - Got to work
11:30 am - Took a friend to the Urgent Care center (fingers & blenders did not mix well, even if it is a protein shake)
12:45 pm - Back at it
4:30 pm - Left office and changed into work out clothes.
5:20 pm - Got to WW meeting center.  Took off for my 1/2 hour run
5:50 pm - Weighed in and went to the meeting
6:40 pm - Headed home with a stop at Petco for dog food
7:05 pm - Got home, made supper for me and watched bits of The Biggest Loser
8:00 pm - Back out the door for softball
9:40 pm - Returned home and took the dogs on a 20 minute walk

Hmmmm - I wonder why I am tired all the time.  But - I do enjoying playing softball twice a week again and actually am liking the Tuesday night league better.  It is a much more competitive team!

Oh yeah - better share my success from yesterday:

Junior High

So I determined yesterday that when I go to work at Lowe's, I am transported back in time to Junior High.  Or at least that is the age level of some of the full time associates that work there.

I hadn't seen or worked with SkinnyBiotch since the fall out previously blogged about.  The Sunday after the blowout, Eye Candy came over to talk.  Well, it was clear from our conversation that SkinnyBiotch filled him in on everything, that I was upset with her for not telling me and that she had unfriended me on Facebook. He was upset that a friendship was ending and begged me to fix it.  He explained to me why he hadn't told me and I got that.  He told me that I was the older of the two and that I needed to fix it.  In my mind, it was what it was, a difference of opinion and I wouldn't treat her any different that I had previously.

Fast forward a week to yesterday.  It was the first day that I had seen SkinnyBiotch since the fall out and the chat with Eye Candy.  Well, it went exactly like I expected to, immaturity on the part of the SkinnyBiotch.  Ironically, she was always professing how she kept secrets, blah, blah, blah.  Well, we know it isn't true because Eye Candy wouldn't of know about the fall out if that was the case. 

Well, when I saw her, I said, "Hey girl, what's up".  Of course, I don't even know if I got a grunt out of her but she looked the other way and walked off like we were in Junior High.  I wonder if she really thought she was hurting my feelings?  To me, it just reaffirmed the type of person that she is. 

However, you would think the story ends there, because she doesn't gossip and tell other people's business, right?!?  WRONG.  Apparently she is filling in other little clicky worker bees on the story, which I don't know how she can tell the story without filling in the background of me and Eye Candy, but now these clicky friends will not speak to me and are unfriending me on Facebook.

Can we say, Junior High?  Of course, the ironic piece of it all is that Eye Candy and I are still good friends.

I think this picture summarizes what is left of this story and anything I have left to say about SkinnyBiotch.

I Can't

This word to me has always been the worst word to me, worse than swearing.  It means failure.  It means you quit trying.  It means you never will because you have told yourself you won't.  My softball kids would run extra just for saying it.

Today, I say it.

I can't do it with Vanilla Horndog.  I can't say it is okay that we date and he dates other people.  I can't do it.  Yesterday I saw that he was online on the dating site that me met on.  I know, it meant I was online too.  But it was in that moment that all the doubts and insecurities came creeping back in.  The feelings came back of what it felt like the day I found out he was in a relationship with someone else when two days earlier he was wanting to get together. 

Then I went home and trolled on Facebook.  It is amazing how much you can learn about a person doing that.  People really should learn to lock accounts down.  Then again, only after I get what I needed.  In trolling, I found out how involved she was in VHD's life and how much I wasn't.  I found out how she did Thanksgiving with his family, where I never have met his daughters.  It has stung like no other.

And I realized I can't.  Knowing he is on the dating site and meeting new girls, I can't sit around and wait for the day to come that once again, I'm not good enough and he wants a relationship with someone else. 

I have told him as much.  He called twice last night and I just couldn't talk to him or about it.  I can't.  I sent him a text that I couldn't talk about it.  I told him I care too much for someone that doesn't feel the same.  I deserve to be part of someone's whole life and not a snip it.  I am too insecure to know that one day he makes me feel so special and the next he could be on a date with another.  I need off the emotional roller coaster I create in my life when it comes to him.  I need space and time.

He called again this morning.  Apparently my words are lost on him.  I ignored the call.  He sent me a message, 'Call me NOW'.  Fortunately I was on a conference call and told him I couldn't with the question why?  I got a 'What is wrong with you'?  Why does something have to be wrong when I can't share? 

I called him back and got the same question, 'What is wrong with you?'.  I told him I just couldn't do it.  He was like, we talked about it and you said you could.  I just want to say that knowing she is good enough to spend Thanksgiving with your family when you are "not" in a relationship means that I am not good enough period, but I didn't.  I just told him I can't, I changed my mind. 

He was going into a meeting and said he would call back.  Something tells me he will but I just don't know if I can answer it.  My feelings have been put out there.  I can't make him decide to date just me, but I can decide that I deserve more in life than to just be a one of many for Vanilla Horndog.

So, today I can't.  Yesterday I couldn't.  Tomorrow doesn't look good either.  It hurts but I can't do it anymore.  What do they say, if you love something let it go, if it comes back, it was yours, if it doesn't, it never was?

I'll close with a quote from Marilyn Monroe:
I believe that everything happens for a reason. People change so you can learn to let go. Things go wrong so you can appreciate them when they're right. You believe lies so you eventually learn to trust no one but yourself. And sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together.