That Day

Yep, it has just been one of those days.  You know the days that it just seems like one thing after another?  The day that doubt just creeps in so quickly?  That the glass no longer feels half full but either empty or ready to say Fuck It and throw it down and smash it.  It is THAT day.

Let me just start of with that I have had to make some really hard decisions this past month.  They haven't been easy decisions and I haven't talked about them on here.  They are personal and something I have needed to deal with, something I do not want to be judged on.  If you don't know what I am talking about, don't worry, you are not alone, most do not.  Have no fear though, the are ultimate decisions for the best.

So, with that said, my stress level has probably been high and just dealing with things as they came.  I had a wonderful week off with my parents and aunt visiting and just was getting back into a grove of a little less stress.  Now, I must note that yesterday was the first day that I had to work both jobs in two weeks so I know that I was tired. Plus last night I was asked to serve as the Head Cashier since the one scheduled called out.  Obviously that in itself was an honor because there is a lot of responsibility and training that goes with it.  So, to be asked to do it with no training was great.  But, it was also some added stress because I was responsible for all the cashiers, making sure all the registers and money were closed and deposited at the end of the night, etc.  Needless to say, I was extra tired just making sure I got it all done and did it right.

Then today came.  It started as a joke.  Last night we had an upgrade to one of our databases, it was minor, but the calendar had been blocked so no one could be off and it actually had been rescheduled since the original date was set when I was on vacation.  The joke, the boss called out.  Now we know that if I would of done that, I would of either been drug to the office, for certain written up, if not fired.

Then there was a phone call.  Last week I went to see the female doctor for the annual check up.  It was the standard thing with the standard, if your tests results are normal, we will just send you a letter.  If there is anything we need to discuss, well we will call.  Well, they called and as it always happens, I was not at my desk to call back.  Of course, the message says not to worry but ummm, if you are calling you are obviously concerned about something right?  I called back within two minutes and got the nurses voicemail.  And I called back two hours later, same thing.  Called a little later, got the operator, transferred to the nurses station and yup, voicemail.

So, by now my head is spinning.  Now maybe I should clarify that in my 20's, I had pre-cervical cancer changes.  It was treated and every once in awhile something causes a flag and then need to just double check, no problem.  However, my mind was thinking...maybe there is cancer like changes again? But, then there was the full range of STD tests they ran.  I am a single lady and you can never be too careful. What if I have a STD?  What if it is HIV?  Then there was the full wellness blood panel they ran, for cholesterol and all that other fun stuff.  Maybe I have high cholesterol? And because I am my mothers child's, I continued to worry.  I had cancer or HIV, I just knew it.  The best news, by the time I left work at 4:30, the doctors office was closed and they never called back.  I got to sleep on it.

And because I like to worry and stress about things, I was starting to think that things were not right with Chicago, you know my one hope at meeting a normal guy, having a normal dating relationship.  Yeah, well not so much.  I texted him to see what was up and nothing prepared me for the answer I got, especially when I figured I would be seeing him this weekend.  The text....'To be honest, I have been busy but decided to move back to Chicago next month.  My mom has breast cancer and it is tough.  I'd rather be there.  I'm sorry.  Didn't decide till about a week ago and wasn't sure.'  So, that was it.  The end.  My chance at normal and something positive, a turn for the good.

Of course, that happened right before my appointment with Hairdresser.  She knew I was off my game as much as I would like to try and hide it.  :)  But, we just had normal and stayed away from the Chicago conversation while she readjusted my blonde that had fallen.  Well, while I was baking under the lamps, the phone rang...it was the doctor's office.  Thank goodness they opted to stay past 6 tonight to call me.  So, the bright side is that I do not have cancer, do not HIV, do not have any STDs.

However, because I am my Grandmother's granddaughter (my mom said I had to blame her), my blood sugar was higher than they would like to see for someone that had been fasting and had not eaten anything since the night before at supper.  Based upon the conversation with the nurse, for most, they would probably not worry about it and run a follow up test in year.  But given my genes...a grandmother, a mother, a uncle and a brother who all have diabetes, I can't wait.  Just grand.

So, that is my day.  I lost a great thing in a good guy because I always have that luck.  The good ones the timing always seems to be wrong and the bad ones, well they just suck.  Now, I have to deal with the odds of having diabetes.  I know it was one test, but given my genetics the odds are stacked against me and I know that one can live with it, its just a game changer.

Tonight, I just feel alone.  A nameless face behind words.  A person that is tired of fighting.  Tired of trying to do the right thing.  Tired of being in a big state and feeling so small.  Tired of missing out on my families activities.  Tired of not being able to do things with my friends here.  Tired of my phone never ringing.  Just tired of being tired.  Tired of That Day!

And So It Begins....Again

Yep, after having the parentals visit and seeing the success my mom, aunt and cousin have had using Weight Watchers, I decided it was time for me to go back.  The last time I got into those ultra awesome clothes in my closet, some of which still have price tags on them, was when I was on Weight Watchers.

Of course, some of the other inspiration was finding a poster from when I coached at Lincoln High.  It was unbelievable how skinny my face looked, never mind my body.  I'll have to try and post a picture of that tomorrow.  It seems so long ago but really it wasn't.

So, yesterday I saddled up and went to my first Weight Watchers meeting.  Tuesday nights at 6 pm will be my night.  My plan is to always stay for the meetings but since I am also going to start playing softball on Tuesday nights, I will have to skip the meetings if the game is at 6:30 or maybe just go to a different location over lunch.



Week 1



Now my progress tab will be a little skewed than what is on here but I will add my weigh in information to it as I go and Tuesday nights will be my new weigh in.

Today we are on plan.  Now if I can pull that off for three days - we will be making serious progress.

Higher Aspirations

Yes, it is true, I do have aspirations in life. 

Well as been the case for a few weeks now, Vanilla Horndog has been a pain in my tail.  He tries to keep track of what I am doing and likes to text "Are you ready?", which is code for him of I want to get together and have sex. (Sorry mom & aunts...I have had sex before).  I told him no which his response was you will be ready soon enough.  Of course, that just lit a fire under me and pisses me off.  I responded that the only way I was going to be ready is if I was in a relationship with someone and could see them at least once of week.  Of course, he tried to make it seem like I was being mean and that he just enjoyed good sex with me.  Well, never fear...I set him straight and haven't heard from him since then.  I told him that I didn't enjoy time with him but I am no longer going to be the girl that is good enough in bed but not good enough to date (unless you get sex) or be in a relationship with.   Call it wrong, but I have higher aspirations than being just a good lay in bed.  I am not sure if it was pointing out the lack of dating or my aspiration but haven't heard from him since then.  Boys.

Then there is the bright side of the story.  The new guy.  This one might have a chance to be around for awhile.  Per DC, he will be named Chicago.  LOL...personally I think since she is off today that her brain is soft.  (Luv ya girl!)  In any event, we have gone out twice now.  He has been in Austin a little over a year, moving here from Chicago.  He took a job for his friend that also moved here with his family and works as a Lobbyist for the Retired Teachers Association.  I understand enough to know they handle a lot of the retirement funds.  In true fashion, he also meets my tall definition and only stands at 6'4".  He played college basketball at Sourthern Illinois.

Last night I went to his apartment and we played Bocce Ball.  He lives in an apartment community owned by Jerry Jones and let's just say that, like the Cowboys stadium, it is over the top.  There are 9 pools, a fitness center that even offers classes, and among other things two Bocce Ball courts.  We had a lot of fun playing until the sunset and the lights were turned off.  :(  Afterwards we watched the NFL football game and relaxed.  So, if all continues to go well, we might have some Chicago stories in the future!

On a completely seperate note, I stepped on the scale today (I know I should do that every day!) but I finally hit my first 10 lbs lost.  Of course now I just need to hold on until next week for it to become OFFICIAL.

My progress

Or should I say, lack of progress.

My Big 0.2% Loss and 0.5% Gain

It took an email from Runner this week to clear up my vision of what I need to do. She probably doesn't even realize that she provided such clarity for me. It was just a simple question, “are you doing weight watchers online”? The answer was no. But, it sunk in. Here is my friend that does training for triathlons and she still needs focus and accountability. I need it to.

The bad news is that the timing is wrong to join WW again, online or for meetings. However, I will be going back to the meetings as soon as I can make it work. But, in the meantime, I have the tools I need and have made use of them. Yesterday I started journaling my food! Obviously not something big, but for me it was huge.

Now, I know I shouldn’t weigh in every day but I wanted to know my starting weight was when I journal. Yesterday, I was at 185.6. Today, I was at 184.2. I believe that says something for me and what I need to do. So, today I am back at it again. Hopefully next week’s progress will be even better.

The other incentive is the 108 degree temps finally left us and it is actually nice out again – well at least 92 degree nice and walks are enjoyable.

Until later.

Prayers!

This is some of the scene from Austin this past Holiday weekend. While most of my friends and family in Nebraska were enjoying beautiful weather and family BBQ's, life in Austin was forever changing. Thoughts and prayers go out to so many impacted that I can't even put into words what life is like right now.

All summer long, Texas has been stuck in this miserable weather pattern of scorching heat and absolutely no rain. In July, only two days were under 100 and I think we had one day under a 100 in August with a number over the 105 mark. It has just been unbearable. The animals are starving. Water mains are breaking because of the large cracks in the ground. Water restrictions are in place. It is just unimaginable.

Then the true unimaginable has happened. A small spark has ignited fires all over Austin and the surrounding areas. It smells like someone is having a campfire when you walk out the door. Unfortunately, it is just a reminder that it is another house lost, another part of someone’s life a memory.
I remember the devastation of the F5 Tornado that ripped through Hallam and what was left of that town. However, the Bastrop fire, well it is well beyond that level and everything that has come in its bath is left scorched. I do not know how one community recovers from it. FEMA has come in to offer assistance today. So far, over 600 homes have been lost in all the fires around Austin, with almost 500 of them coming from the Bastrop Community.
So, I ask you, if you are reading this today, please prayer for these families that are impacted. As of this afternoon, the Bastrop fire is not contained. Prayer for those that have lost everything. Prayer for the fire fighters and emergency personnel that are fighting these fires. Prayer that God brings this state rain soon to provide us a much needed break!
If you want to learn more of how many fires are ongoing around Austin, please use this link:
http://www.kxan.com/dpp/news/information-on-fires-in-central-texas


You can also see some amazing viewer photos from this link as well:
http://www.kvue.com/news/Wildfires-More-viewer-photos-129277328.html?gallery=y&img=0&c=y#gallery-image

The Heart Wants What the Heart Wants

Relationships suck!  Or at least they do for me.  Urrrgggghhhh!!

So I don't know if I blogged but Vanilla Horndog has been back in touch again because he and his girlfriend didn't work out.  Whatever.  I am so guarded with him because it stung like no other when he started dating her.  But, at the same time, I like the guy.  I can't say that I have a "type" of guy that I look for, although I will say that almost all of them are tall.  :)  With that said, Vanilla Horndog just has those qualities that I look for, well expect me being a priority.  We click.

So, ironically yesterday he called me later in the day.  He had to call me back because he had another call he had to take.  In any event, he asked if I had to work last night or if I could of went out for drinks.  I told him I didn't work but couldn't of gone because I had other plans.  It was like this jealous side came out when he found out I had a date.  Wanted to know who he was, where I met him, how long we have been dating, etc.  Never seen this side from him before.  It was cute but oh so frustrating.

Now, as for the date.  This was the first date with a new guy that has yet to be named.  I have determined that they have to have a few dates before DC gets the chance to name them. He was a nice guy and all but my mind couldn't let go of the jealousy that Vanilla Horndog had over it. 

I know, I know, he had his chance move on, that is what my mind tells me.  But the heart and the other part of the mind tells me something different.  Of course, Vanilla Horndog is texting me this morning wanting me to know how the date went.  Uggh.

Why can't matters of the heart be easy for once?

Morning Person

I am not!

I am pretty sure that if you asked my mom, there is no doubt in her mind that I am not a morning person.  I think that anyone that knows me accepts this fact.  This morning, it was really clear.

I was tired, I admit it.  But, I never realized how anti mornings I was until today.  On my way in to work I noticed the lady in the car next to me on the phone.  She was laughing, smiling and looked like she was enjoying her conversation.  In my mind, all I could think of is why the hell would anyone be on a call this early in the morning.  (It was 7:30 btw).  I mean why would you call someone and laugh and joke like that so early.  I avoid the phone and pray and doesn't ring in the morning.  Most communication with me better be via text.  Even when I am running late, I text my boss rather than call.  LOL

I suppose the next thing I need to do is change my Lowe's schedule...something tells me that me working at 6 am on a Saturday is NOT going to be a good idea for any customers.