Blogging Project Day 12 - Your earliest memory

Hmmm - okay well I have a few early memories from my times back in the big town of Monroe, NE.


For whatever reason, one of my memories is that I always had dreams that the Incredible Hulk was coming down the country road and he was going to get me. He was always green and angry. I only lived there until I was 5 and really, I don't even know - was The Incredible Hulk on in 1978?

Of course, my true memory was with my dad and softball. For some reason, I think that I was around 3 at the time and only know that because of what I was probably told. In any event, my dad played fast pitch on the local men's town team in Platte Center. My memory is vague but I think he had a broken ankle or something at the time. I think he even might have been on crutches at the time.

In any event, we headed to the Polish Pub (I don't know what it was called then), aka the bar. I remember at some point my dad asking me if I was ready to go home. I recall that I was having fun playing with my friends and wasn't ready to go home and told him that. Who asks this question of a child? Especially one under the age of 5? All I know is that I remember when I finally got tired and told him I was ready to go home, he told me I had my chance; he wasn’t ready to go now. I was stuck.

I do believe this story might have two different morals to it. One, if you are given a chance for leaving, take it because you might never get it again. Two, pushing a few chairs together makes a wonderful interim bed, so long as your parents know where you are. Why is that important? Years later at my Cousin Russ' wedding, I made use of the stack of chairs for an early bed time, unfortunately nobody knew where I was and I was temporarily "lost". Who says Schmidt's are not resourceful at an early age?
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Life Note - Life is so much better than it was earlier in the week. My attitude it just to embrace it, love it and roll with it. Everything will always work itself out in God's time and well that has been happening this week. I got to catch up with Vanilla Horndog earlier in the week. As I was telling HairDresser last night, he is my perfect match, has those qualities that I would look for and he is someone I truly have respect for. However, his priorities right now are his two girls, which he has full custody of his 14 year old and a 50/50 of his 5 year old. The timing sucks and I don't know if and when the timing will ever be there. But as wise HairDresser reminds me, timing is just that, it will work out in the end if it is meant to. So, in the mean time, I am rolling with it and no regrets.

I also have declared this good news Friday. So far some things I have been waiting on have been popping up (in God’s time). So, I hope that they work out and in the end I will be in a much better place. Please say your prayers!

BTW - if you are reading this via email and wonder who Vanilla Horndog or HairDresser is, I have a new tab called "My Peeps" on the blog. I am trying to summarize all of these nicknames so you can keep track of them. As my wise momma points out, I have gone out with so many guys recently; it is hard to keep track of which is which. Hugs & Luv....have a great Holiday Weekend Y'all! Hopefully my liver doesn't hate me by Monday!

Blogging Project - Day 5

A time I thought about ending my own life

I am almost afraid to post this one. I get how selfish suicide is and really understand how much pain it leaves in the hearts of the ones left behind. I know through my faith that no matter how big the problem would seem, God will help you through it. When you least expect it, God helps you lift up the cross you are carrying and helps you carry it.

Personally, I have never known anyone that succeed at committing suicide. It sounds horrible to say it that way, but true. That said, I had a good friend in college that did try by taking all of the medicine she had in her dorm room, none of which would be fatal. She was going through a deep, dark time in reveling that a family member had abused her most of her life and she just didn't know how to deal with it anymore. So, she tried to end it. In reality, it was a cry for help. There was two of us that had find out and we took her to the emergency room. I remember sitting in the waiting room listening to her get sick as they tried to clear her system of all the drugs. It was horrible. It was also a cross that the two of us friends had to carry, we knew where she was and knew how much work she had in the days, weeks and months ahead but outside of one school official, no one knew. We had to lie to everyone on what was wrong; we just said she is sick. No, you can't see her. It was hard, really hard. I have had a couple of other friends either threaten or attempt it too.

Sadly, I get why she did what she did in that moment. While I have never tried to take my own life, there have been thoughts of it. Before anyone freaks out, it was a long time ago. It was after the assault in college. It became a war of he said, she said. Friends were pitted against friends. It was during that time that you truly learned who your friends were. I didn't know how to deal with it and didn't know where to turn. I remember the moment that I told my parents and remember my dad making a comment about if I lead him on or made him think I wanted to. Even my parents didn't get it. How could they? How could anyone. So I turned inside, shut down and tried to pretend as best I could that it didn't happen, that I could somehow forget. Then came the alcohol, a lot of alcohol. I honestly could tell you every bar special from Tuesday through Saturday. My friend and I were there with bells on week in and week out. My grades plunged and going to class, well I was lucky to make it. By the end of the semester, most of my teachers either suggest I fail the class and retake or just accept my grades were gone. My GPA that semester was a 1.9. I was mostly an A/B student up until that point.

I didn't go back home that summer and opted to stay in Hastings that summer. I did work, but not much. I got by on credit cards. The drinking continued. I didn't have a phone, cell phones really weren't around, so I was lucky to call my parents once a week. I lived in a basement apartment and spent the days staying in my dark dungeon. It was during that time that I considered ending my own life. I didn't think that anyone would miss me and life wasn't what I wanted to be. I didn't deal well with what had happened and didn't ask for help.

I really don't know what the turning point was but things slowly got better. There was still setbacks along the way and tough conversations that had to be had. My parents had no idea how bad my grades were that spring semester and really learned when I had to tell them I couldn't play softball in the fall because I was Academically Ineligible. Even when I went through things with the Ex, ending it never really crossed my mind. I had learned that I was strong and I would get through this. This too shall pass. At my parents urging, I did see a counselor after things with my Ex. She was tremendous and helped me deal with not only my Ex but all the previous things as well. She was a life saver to a certain degree. I deal with things so much more differently now. I still make an appointment to see her from time to time just to "re-center" myself.

Because it is so clear...I am in the back, grey sweatshirt with the stocking cap over the eyes.

Day 03 - Your views on drugs and alcohol

Wow, another tough one! You would think this one would be easy for a person. I actually started this yesterday and never got to finish, it left that much thought to be had.


Views on drugs? Never tried any, I have been around them but I know they are not for me. I have seen the impact that they have had on different individuals lives and nothing good has ever come from it! Now that said, there definitely has been some of those "prescribed" drugs in my past with all the knee surgeries and back surgery. Honestly, after taking some of those, I get why people can get hooked. I think the best one I had was one I had after my back surgery. I felt no pain and really probably one would describe it as a "high" feeling. But, as the recoveries progressed, those drugs disappeared from my life.

Views on alcohol? Wow, it isn't until you stop and think about alcohol, the role it has played in your life that one wonders, is it really worth it? I grew up around alcohol. My dad's side of the family it was part of every family function. My mom's side, not so much. It was ground breaking news when my maternal grandma started putting beer in the fridge for my dad, where as my other grandma had a glass of wine every day. I honestly don't think any one of us cousins on my father's side made it to 18 before we had our first taste of alcohol. Heck, we might not of made it out of diapers before we had our first taste, it is cute you know to see that terrible face a baby makes when they have beer on their lips. Of course, I see what that life can bring to a family because of being on the outside looking in. Alcoholism existed in that family and still does. My dad, fortunately hardly drinks any more. But, when he does he thinks that he can hang like he did in the day or with the young ones and we are left with the wrath of his mood the next day.

As for me, alcohol is still there and while I do still enjoy it, I rarely drink it, especially to the extent I use to. In reality, if you look at the most devastating points in my life, alcohol was there front and center. There was college, when I lost my virginity to a sexual assault. Would I have made the choices that night that I did had I been drinking? No, probably not. Can I change that? Nope.

Then there was the Ex. I lived with the devastating effects of alcohol addiction every day. While he was not the typical alcoholic that drank every day, he was one none the less and when it was in his cycle of drinking, look out. I thought I could live with it, manage it and change him. But in reality, it was me that needed to change and leave my life dependent upon it. The last day we were together, I came back to my apartment to find him there and passed out. I must have surprised him but I took a beating of a lifetime that day. I remember having blood and not know where it was coming from and the scrapes on the way. Ultimately it was just scratches that would heal, bumps and bruises that felt like you had been in a car wreck but a lot of damage was done on the inside.

Today, those days with him still shape my life. It always will. If I could go back and change it, I would, but I can't. I just know that at the end of the day I never wanted my parents to get that devastating call that I was severely hurt or worse, dead. If I stayed, it would have happened. Even sadder is that he never remembered any of it.

So today, I would say I am cautious with alcohol. If you want me to pound drinks with you and try to force me into it, it won't happen. I have to feel 100% trust in the situation that I am, the people that I am with to drink to the point of being intoxicated. I will enjoy a drink or two with you but heading out on the town and pounding drinks until no tomorrow, probably isn't in my future. So, if I decline an invitation to go out, don't be sad or take it personally, I do want to spend time with you! However, given my past, that type of night isn't one that I would enjoy. If I do go, know that I go with a 100% trust in my heart that you will protect me and I pray you don't let me down!

Cheers to you!