A time I thought about ending my own life
I am almost afraid to post this one. I get how selfish suicide is and really understand how much pain it leaves in the hearts of the ones left behind. I know through my faith that no matter how big the problem would seem, God will help you through it. When you least expect it, God helps you lift up the cross you are carrying and helps you carry it.
Personally, I have never known anyone that succeed at committing suicide. It sounds horrible to say it that way, but true. That said, I had a good friend in college that did try by taking all of the medicine she had in her dorm room, none of which would be fatal. She was going through a deep, dark time in reveling that a family member had abused her most of her life and she just didn't know how to deal with it anymore. So, she tried to end it. In reality, it was a cry for help. There was two of us that had find out and we took her to the emergency room. I remember sitting in the waiting room listening to her get sick as they tried to clear her system of all the drugs. It was horrible. It was also a cross that the two of us friends had to carry, we knew where she was and knew how much work she had in the days, weeks and months ahead but outside of one school official, no one knew. We had to lie to everyone on what was wrong; we just said she is sick. No, you can't see her. It was hard, really hard. I have had a couple of other friends either threaten or attempt it too.
Personally, I have never known anyone that succeed at committing suicide. It sounds horrible to say it that way, but true. That said, I had a good friend in college that did try by taking all of the medicine she had in her dorm room, none of which would be fatal. She was going through a deep, dark time in reveling that a family member had abused her most of her life and she just didn't know how to deal with it anymore. So, she tried to end it. In reality, it was a cry for help. There was two of us that had find out and we took her to the emergency room. I remember sitting in the waiting room listening to her get sick as they tried to clear her system of all the drugs. It was horrible. It was also a cross that the two of us friends had to carry, we knew where she was and knew how much work she had in the days, weeks and months ahead but outside of one school official, no one knew. We had to lie to everyone on what was wrong; we just said she is sick. No, you can't see her. It was hard, really hard. I have had a couple of other friends either threaten or attempt it too.
Sadly, I get why she did what she did in that moment. While I have never tried to take my own life, there have been thoughts of it. Before anyone freaks out, it was a long time ago. It was after the assault in college. It became a war of he said, she said. Friends were pitted against friends. It was during that time that you truly learned who your friends were. I didn't know how to deal with it and didn't know where to turn. I remember the moment that I told my parents and remember my dad making a comment about if I lead him on or made him think I wanted to. Even my parents didn't get it. How could they? How could anyone. So I turned inside, shut down and tried to pretend as best I could that it didn't happen, that I could somehow forget. Then came the alcohol, a lot of alcohol. I honestly could tell you every bar special from Tuesday through Saturday. My friend and I were there with bells on week in and week out. My grades plunged and going to class, well I was lucky to make it. By the end of the semester, most of my teachers either suggest I fail the class and retake or just accept my grades were gone. My GPA that semester was a 1.9. I was mostly an A/B student up until that point.
I didn't go back home that summer and opted to stay in Hastings that summer. I did work, but not much. I got by on credit cards. The drinking continued. I didn't have a phone, cell phones really weren't around, so I was lucky to call my parents once a week. I lived in a basement apartment and spent the days staying in my dark dungeon. It was during that time that I considered ending my own life. I didn't think that anyone would miss me and life wasn't what I wanted to be. I didn't deal well with what had happened and didn't ask for help.
I really don't know what the turning point was but things slowly got better. There was still setbacks along the way and tough conversations that had to be had. My parents had no idea how bad my grades were that spring semester and really learned when I had to tell them I couldn't play softball in the fall because I was Academically Ineligible. Even when I went through things with the Ex, ending it never really crossed my mind. I had learned that I was strong and I would get through this. This too shall pass. At my parents urging, I did see a counselor after things with my Ex. She was tremendous and helped me deal with not only my Ex but all the previous things as well. She was a life saver to a certain degree. I deal with things so much more differently now. I still make an appointment to see her from time to time just to "re-center" myself.
Because it is so clear...I am in the back, grey sweatshirt with the stocking cap over the eyes.
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