The struggle is real

Well if you read my post last week, you saw that as part of Lent, I was making the following  Amendable Commitments:

1. One Diet Coke a day
2. No Pasta - sadly this is my go to dinner as of late, pasta noodles, parmesan cheese a little butter...definitely cheep and easy but no nutritional value and in no way diabetic friendly.
3. No Sunflower seeds - my weekend addiction
4. Morning prayers before my feet hit the ground
5. Rosary once daily - currently I just do it the days I travel to work.
6. Evening prayers before bed.
7. Attend Stations of the Cross at least twice during Lent
8. Limit Cell Phone games to 1 hour.

The struggle is real folks.  Really real.  I mean that darn devil shows up in so many shapes and forms, it is hard to believe.

Take for example yesterday....when Unicorn thought she was doing me a "favor" by buying this six pack combo pack of pasta from Costco.  Umm, see number 2.  She didn't know what my resolutions were to know better.  So, now I have to get to Easter leaving that alone, when I finally was in a pasta free house.

I think that the one I have struggled with most is the evening prayers.  Usually by the time I crawl into bed, I am exhausted and just want to close my eyes.  So, I might need to mix that up and do the prayers in the evening when I get home before my workout.  A way to decompress the mind from the day of work. 

How are you doing with your commitments?

Sleepwalking

"Your biggest challenge isn't that you've intentionally been making bad choices.....Your biggest challenge is that you've been sleepwalking through your choices." ~ The Compound Effect by Darren Hardy

I had ordered a book through Amazon awhile ago.  Yes I am old school and still like the feel of the book in my hand.  In any event, when I ordered that book, it said this was a commonly paired book and I figured what the heck.  I am so grateful I did.  I highly recommend it to everyone.  Reading it now also pairs nicely with Lent.

The premise of the book is that little actions, whether good or bad, repeated daily lead to big results.  If you eat a little bad EVERY day, then you will gain weight.  Whereas, if you eat a little better each day, you will lose weight.  The Compound Effect. 

I think what really hit home and really got me into this book were a couple of key paragraphs within the first two chapters because I easily could relate them to my life.

• "I bet your grandparents worked six days a week, from sunup to sundown, using the skills they learned in their youth and repeatedly throughout their entire life.  They knew the secret was hard work, discipline, and good habits." 

Anyone that knows either sets of my grandparents, knows this hits their life to a T.  When my grandma moved to town from the farm, I remember going through the chest she had in the attic of all the bank statements of 40 years of marriage.  From the early years of owing the bank money at the end of the month to the later parts of their life where they would buy a new car with cash.  They worked hard for every penny they had.

• "Don't try to fool yourself into believing that a mega-successful athlete didn't live through regular bone-crushing drills and thousands of hours of practice.  He got up early to practice - and kept practicing long after all the others had stopped.  He faced the sheer agony and frustration of the failure, loneliness, hard work, and disappointment it took to become No. 1."

Well, if you were in the car with my parents and I when I was 30-something, you would have heard this almost exact same conversation.  My dad was revealing that he was so hard on me over the years playing softball because "guys just didn't get to the NFL because their parents patted them on the back and said good job because they gave 90%".  Even if he had made that statement to me in high school or college, I doubt it would have had the same light ball effect.

I have decided that this Lent is going to be the start of my personal Compound Effect.  Spiritually, Mentally and Physically.  I have joined Unicorn's Church group for their Lenten Busy Lives Lenten Retreat.  I am excited to have the extra accountability this season.  Hopefully you will join me this Lenten season making small changes to create a Compound Effect that can carry on long after lent.  Remember, it only takes 21 days to form a habit and lent...well it's longer than that!

Part of the Spiritual commitment I made were the following Amendable Commitments:

1. One Diet Coke a day
2. No Pasta - sadly this is my go to dinner as of late, pasta noodles, parmesan cheese a little butter...definitely cheep and easy but no nutritional value and in no way diabetic friendly.
3. No Sunflower seeds - my weekend addiction
4. Morning prayers before my feet hit the ground
5. Rosary once daily - currently I just do it the days I travel to work.
6. Evening prayers before bed.
7. Attend Stations of the Cross at least twice during Lent
8. Limit Cell Phone games to 1 hour.

What small changes can you commit to making this Lenten Season that Compounds into a big Effect?

Ripping off the Band-Aid

Are you still waiting for my Merry Christmas/Happy New Year card...well you'll be waiting awhile....

I don't think you want the tear jerker it might be.

In summary:

• I still don't have a full time, permanent job.
• I still am working my temp job.
• Men are still bastards and ATM should have never been trusted...of course he waited until after meeting my parents at Thanksgiving to show he was still a lying bastard.  But he is consistent and lied to them too.  Ha! 
• Money is still a pinching situation until I can find a real job. 
• Unicorn took a job in San Antonio.

And that is just the highlight of why we should never, ever, ever, ever, ever speak of that year again.  It is a year that is best forgotten ever existed.  It was definitely a learning and growing experience.  On the positive side, I really learned who my true friends are and who I can really lean on.  I got to go back to school and take classes by way of a grant.  My knitting crafts are slowly turning into a business.  I was still able to go back for the 20th reunion of the college softball team going to nationals. So there were positives, it's just the negatives were so heavy.

So, a little birdy...ahh cuuzzin, points out I just don't blog enough so I thought I better start blogging again.  This year I know I will be better as I will have many positives to share as well as things I am learning along the way.

The homestead will be getting some much needed upgrades by the end of the month.  I knew that I was going to need a new roof at some point.  For obvious reasons, I needed to wait until money was not so tight.  Well, December 29th, mother nature opted to help that cause.  A hail and wind storm left part of my privacy fence knocked down.  Well, when I went to lean part of the fence back up to keep the fur kids in check, I found some shingles.  Yep...as 2015 luck would have it, they were from my house.

One of the neighbors works for a storm company and came out and did a free assessment for me.  In looking at it, she said yep, fence has wind damage and roof has hail and wind damage and the window façade also has hail damage.  YEAH ME. 

Last week, she happily met myself and the insurance adjustor at the house.  Well after a lot of white circles on the roof, the insurance adjustor agreed that there was enough damage to warrant a full replacement of the roof.  They also agreed to cover 3 of the 9 fence panels.  #winning  The Storm guard company said that they would work with me so I don't have to pay anything out of pocket, or that would be their goal.  #doublewin

Well, then I decided I would call the landlord for the rental next door.  Technically because I have the "nice" side of the privacy fence, I should be the one to maintain it.  But, you always lose if you don't ask.  So, I called and asked if they would like to split the cost of replacing the full fence.  As shocked as I was, they indicated that they were beyond happy to share the cost!!!  So, now I have gone from needing to pay for 6 fence pickets to having to pay for maybe 20% of the fence.  #triplewin

For someone that has been as financially strapped as I have....you have no idea the happy dances I am doing right now.  Next step...full time job.....

Life is like a....

Box of Chocolates...You never know what you are going to get?

Book...each day is a new page?

2015 has been a challenge of maybe epic proportions.  I really am learning that life really is what you make of it.  Some days are going to be bad, some are good, some are eh, but each day is a blessing.  When you put your mind to it, you really can do anything you want to.

I have gone from the unemployed life of having a great schedule to the land of insaneness.  I have lived in the world of insaneness since August 3rd.  Probably about the time you stopped hearing from me on here.

On August 3rd, I started as a temp for The Boon Group (TBG) as a proposal writer.  In other words, a fancy term for putting together all the insurance proposals together for the sales reps, working with the insurance carriers in the process.  The following week, I started classes on Tuesday and Thursday evenings from 6-10 pm and every other Saturday from 9:30 to 4:30 pm.  The classes I am taking is for PMP/SQL Certifications.  By the time it is over the first of March, the goal is to have my certification in both.  THE GOAL.  If anything, PMP is the big one as that will be the game changer for me.  Once that certification is in place, my base salary will be no lower than $85k.  It's not about the money but the ability to recover from 9 months of not having a "real" job.

Things at TBG are going well.  At the first of September the asked me to be full time.  Of course, HR stopped the bus party and said sorry, you have to work 800 hours first before we can hire you full time.  #sucksballs  I really do not think what I do everyday is something that I would want to do long term.  BUT, it does help cover the bills and I really think it would be a good company to work for.  Now it would be a matter if they had that job there for me.

What I have learned since April 15th is that I have an amazing family, a wonderful group of close friends here in Austin and when it comes to it...you can stretch a dollar pretty far.

I really do not think I could have gotten through the past 6 plus months without my immediate family, Unicorn, Grace and ATM.  They have all been a wealth of support and really been there to pick me up on the bad days.  Of course, let's not sugar coat it, Unicorn still gives me a kick in the pants when I need to get over it and move on. 

I think that ATM has really been the surprise of the group.  It's really nice to have him back in my life.  We both have gone through some serious stress points this fall but I know that he is there for me every day.  Obviously I do not know what the future holds for us but I know that we will always be friends and he does bring a lot of positive to my life.

I think probably the hardiest thing for me these days is just balancing the budget.  If you know me, you know me how well I like to know where my money is going and making sure that I am going in the right direction.  Well, obviously working at TBG, I was making more money that unemployment but way less than what I made at Xplode.  I couldn't figure out why I wasn't getting ahead and why my savings continued to dwindle away.  Once I found the error in my spreadsheet, it hit close to the heart and well there was that moment of panic.

After it is all said and done with and the bills are paid for the month, I have exactly $140 left to feed myself and the pups.  Now keep in mind, that is assuming there is no holidays, I don't get sick or any other situation where I have to take time off without pay.  Of course, I also have the high maintenance dog that is allergic to everything and requires a $65 bag of food every other month but Finn's is only $35 and his last 2 1/2 months.  Ouch.   But, now that I know what the problem is and what I am up against...it truly isn't so bad.  Now don't get me wrong, I really am looking forward to the day where my lunch is not 1/2 PBJ sandwich, 1 cup of carrots, an apple and 1 oz of chips....and yes, I do measure that all out every Sunday when I prep my meals for the week; but you have to do what you have to do.  So, yes the dogs might be eating better than me. 

Ultimately, as they say....this too shall pass.  But I have definitely learned the importance of that 9 month emergency savings fund, family, life saving friends and knowing exactly where every penny goes....just don't judge the highlights and that I am is desperate need of time with the Hairdresser.

Reset

Some days, you just need a reset.  It might be for a day, it might be for two days.

I emailed my job coach this morning as I had just been feeling like I was close to shut down mode.  I have not been feeling like doing my homework for her the past few days.  Searching the job posts was not something I looked forward to.  Hearing no on the job front was even worse and I dreaded going to my home office to "work".  Then the crinkle in my Nebraska trip seemed to be like a straw in the camels back and shut down mode was there.

Her advise was simple, 'take a break!  Not forever, just a day or two where you don't even open emails'.  Read a book, do something for you, do something fun, enjoy yourself.

Anyone that knows me knows that for too long, I worked too many hours and probably had too many jobs.  I think probably since the day I went into College I had at least two jobs.  There was always softball and school work.  But there was also the part time jobs during the school year, even in season.  After college, if I wasn't at work, I was off coaching a team somewhere.  Then there was the four plus years of 60 hour weeks working 7 days a week at two jobs.  So, to some degree it has been nice not to work.  BUT on the other hand, NOT having to work is absolutely killing me.

It is also hard because now that it has been two months, life around you still goes on.  The people around you still have jobs and go to work every day.  Their routines haven't changed, just yours.  When you first lose your job, everyone reaches out to you.  They all check up on you, see how you are doing.  Over time that fades.  I don't think that they necessarily have forgotten you, they just get caught up in life and work.  They forget to reach out.  They think that they have filled you in on things or you know schedules but in reality, you do not.  It is like you are in your own little bubble.

However, what I have learned in the past two months is that at the end of the day, work does matter, but not that much.  You have to have the job that you can find balance and harmony at.  A job that you can find happiness in going into the office, doing your job and bringing joy to those you encounter throughout the day.  But, you also need to be able to go home, leave work and make time for those you care about most and the things that bring you happiness.  I learned that lesson the hard way.  A lot of relationships were neglected for job that I loved, for a company who didn't love me back as much.

Just because something is important to you, just because it brings you happiness does not always mean that others are going to see it that way.  People in life will try and steal your thunder.  There are always going to be people, whether intentional or not, that are going to try and steal your joy.  Rise to the occasion and do not give them that pleasure.  It is hard to do but one that is worth doing.  Just because something is a priority to you, does not make it a priority to someone else, EVER.  If you want it bad enough, you will find a way to make it work; you above!

As a child blows the dandelion peddles in the wind...remember every situation is just that, powerless in your life if you do not give it a reaction.

Reboot complete.

“You have brains in your head....

You have feet in your shoes. You can steer yourself any direction you choose.”
~Dr. Seuss

Overwhelmed might be the theme right now.  Crazy notion I know.  I mean, I am not working, how can I possibly be THAT busy.  But it is possible and it happens.

What do I want to be when I grow up is the million dollar question right now.  I mean I am 40+ years old.  I have 20+ working years left.  I've been an auditor.  A tech consultant.  A sales person.  Operations Management.  If you look at my books in my office, you would think it is personal finance.  What industry?  Insurance?  Technology?  Manufacturing?  Finance?  What is my niche?  What should my area of focus be?  That is the million dollar question.

At the end of May I hired a firm to help me do just that.  They are going to help me find that right job as well as get all the things done to get that right job.  However, in the mean time, I have learned that Austin is a city of it is not what you know but who you know.  So networking it is.  I was in a networking event last F
riday and they said that we should meet at least one new person a day.  My side that leans towards introvert is already screaming at such a notion.  :)

However, during the past two months, I am doing a lot of self discovery and almost everyone that sees me for the first time in a long time comments that I look refreshed and relaxed.  It further serves my reflection that losing this job was for the best.  Did I imagine still being unemployed two months in, no!  But am I still keeping busy, yes!  Do I think that I will come out a better person in the end than when it happened, ABSOLUTELY!!!

Right now I am in the process of trying to get a grant to go get my PMP (Project Management Program) & SQL Certifications.  These are fancy names for let me oversee your project, run reports while it is going and summarize it when it is done.  A lot of my work over the years has included the project management aspect piece, the certification makes me more marketable.  So, if you would add me to the prayers that grant comes through, that would be much appreciated!

I am still applying for jobs and doing interviews.  Right now things are going slow in that category.  I do not know if it is just Austin or if it is the Market.  I am hopeful that once I get all my homework down with my consulting firm, that I will have more companies that I can start to reach out to in regards to job opportunities.

Of course, on top of all the home work, interviews, applying for jobs, classes, grants, etc, I am trying to still go through the house and purge.  We are having a neighborhood garage sale this weekend (Saturday) so I am trying to get rid of everything that no longer brings me love or joy.  Prime example...that purse that had Amigo's coupons from 2002 in it....clearly that purse no longer brought me joy.  However, now I am stressing myself out because I have not quite finished purging, I still have to tag everything for the sale and I have only two days left in the week to do it.  As Charlie Brown would say...AAugh....

The work outs have been on a temporary break.  Three weeks ago, I found myself crawling on the bathroom floor in horrible pain.  A day and a 1/2 later, Unicorn took me to the urgent care because the pain was back and I just couldn't take it.  Without running the bill up
, based upon the initial tests, they felt I had kidney stones.  So, needless to say, I didn't get much done work search wise or any workouts in that first week as I was hopped up on pain pills and the other medicine they gave me made me sleep on the time.  The following week, I took it easy and this week, I just have been running crazy.

Hopefully things will calm down after the garage sale!  HOPEFULLY!

Life As We Know It

"We must be willing to let go of the life we have planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us." - E.M. Forster

I don't think it is a day that I will ever forget but I think it is a day that I needed to have and that everyone should really go through it once in their lifetime.  It is one of the most humbling days, most trying days you can have.  It is one of those days all you want to do is sit in a ball and cry and ask: Why me? How am I going to manage my finances? How am I going to pay my bills? What did I do to deserve this?  To say I was scared out of my mind, pissed, sad and every emotion in between was an understatement. 

But, I was also embarrassed.  I did not want anyone to know.  I was ashamed.  I did not want the judgments, the gossip and just the overall hurt that are sometimes felt from individuals unintentional comments and words.

On April 15th, I reported to work a little after 9.  A little later than normal but I had been there until after 7 pm the night before as Runner was traveling for work which makes work life crazy and I had also been in meetings with the boss discussing delivery issues.  At about 9:30 am, the boss came in and asked if I had a minute; I said sure.  Of course, what would play out next, never entered my realm of thinking.  

We entered the conference room and the CFO was sitting there and I jokingly said, "Well, this can't be good."  His response was "No, it is not."  Of course that sent my mind racing of, is this some kind of Performance plan, are we not getting bonuses this year because we hadn't so far, but instead I got, 

"The Company is restructuring and you did not make the cut.  Today is your last day.  Here is your severance package and your separation agreement.  Feel free to have an attorney review the agreement if you feel it is necessary." ~  CFO

Then I was asked if I wanted to clean out my office now or come back later.  That was it.  Short and sweet.  No explanation.  No thank you for busting your ass the past year cleaning up the messes that were left behind by other people we fired.  No thank you for working so many nights and weekends without additional pay.  Of course, my boss being who he was, never said a word during any of it, he let the CFO do all the talking.

Obviously I opted to come back after hours to clean out my office and do it when just a few were left in the building.  It truly is a humbling experience being escorted out of the building.  My parting comments to my boss were: 

"You bust your ass for a company and this is how they repay you.  So very generous of them."

Ultimately there were three of us that were let go in the coming days.  Two of us from operations and the Vice President of Marketing.  I think it is safe to say that not one of us saw it coming.  There had been rumors the company was looking at merging/buying another company and there had been dog and pony shows but ironically I was the one telling people that we just needed to keep doing what we were doing.  We couldn't get our job done in a 40 hour week the way it was, how could they possible get rid of us?  Silly, silly me.

The past month and a half has been a learning experience.  Obviously I kept this on a need to know basis and after about a month in, I am fully at peace with everything.  I am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason.  I know I have grown from this experience and that I will be better off from it.  I have put my trust and faith in God and so far, he has taken care of me.  

Of course, when I have those moments of weakness, I do have the Unicorn here to bust me in the ass and tell me to get my stuff together.  She kindly gave me one day of mourning on loosing my job.  I was allowed one day of tears and then from there, I needed to be focused and get stuff done.  If I have down days, she kicks me in the ass and pretty much tells me to get over it, the only person I can control and worry about is myself.  She really is a cheerleader in my life.  I am not sure how I was blessed for her to come into my life but very thankful for it.

Now, how unprepared can one be for this you ask?  Oh...I don't know...I had not updated my resume since I took the job in October 2012.  Then there is the fact that in reality my resume really was still dating back to circa 2007 as I knew Runner at the company and being that it was so small, it was just a matter of getting an updated resume in their hands.  This thing had no objective, no results I produced.  Thankfully Unicorn and Grace helped me get that updated as best as possible so I could start sending out applications by the following Monday.  One day to mourn and by business day four of being laid off, I was sending off resumes.

Since then I have been firing off resumes for all kinds of jobs.  I have had referrals from all kinds of sources.  I have been blessed to have a lot of my customers that I worked with in this last role either offer to be a reference, ask for my resume to pass along or even line me up with an interview. The SIL asked if I would at least consider jobs closer to home as I have a niece and nephew that would enjoy seeing their aunt more often, so where I will land is God's will.  Ironically my first phone interview was with a company in Omaha.  Ultimately I did not get it but I thought it was funny since I could never get an interview in Texas when I was trying to move here.

I have had one offer so far.  The job was not the right fit for me and I had to decline, but it was an offer.  The interviews keep coming and at some point, when the time is right, the right job will be offered. 

Of course, I have learned that navigating the unemployment system in Texas is also a treat.  You hear the don't mess with Texas stuff all the time and they pretty much say that all over the place when you log in every two weeks to request your unemployment, note what you have been doing in your search, etc.  Silly me, fearing "don't mess with Texas" told them about the job I declined because it asks if you declined any jobs.  Now keep in mind the "rules" are that after 8 weeks of being unemployed, you have to consider jobs that are 25% less than what you previously made.  Well the job I turned down was far more than the 25% pay cut and since it hadn't  been 8 weeks, it shouldn't be an issue, right?  WRONG.  Apparently I missed the part that I only should report the jobs that I turned down that were "suitable" in nature.  As a result, my unemployment is on hold until further notice until they have time to investigate.  They are unable to give me a timeline of how long this "investigation" could take.

Oh the joys...you can only laugh and just keep trudging along.  Beating myself up is not going to help the issue and I can only control what I can control.  So, in the meantime, I will keep applying, keep interviewing and keep saying the rosary.  There is an odd connection to the days that I say the rosary to the days that I get emails for job interviews and/or job leads;  coincidence or Divine Intervention?  I think I'll stick to the later and keep saying that rosary.  

And now you know "The Rest of the Story...Good Day." ~ Paul Harvey