Control

I think that some thought that my blog about the EX having a baby with the mistress was in somehow being disappointed about things not working out, so much not so the case.

So, tonight after plans fell through with the girls, I sat down and was watching Oprah that was on last week. I record her but don't necessarily watch it all the time. The subject was “Stay Alive” and about the new tool to keep you safe. I was intrigued, so I started watching it.

Well, basically it was about surviving domestic violence. I sit here and listen to Oprah saying, I don’t get how people stay when you get hit. It is so hard to put into words why you stay. I was in love. Then there is the control game that they play. They beat you down so you feel like your self worth is so low that you couldn’t do better than them, that you depend them to stand on your own two feet.

Honestly the first time that I got hit was very early in the relationship. I think we had started dating in February. It happened Memorial Weekend. We had gone to Kansas City for the weekend to celebrate his birthday. I knew that there were issues with his drinking but didn’t realize the extent of his problem. We had gone out drinking that night. I really don’t know what triggered it outside of his drinking but he was pissed by the time we got back to the hotel room.

The hitting started. I was scared shitless but knew I wasn’t going to get out of the room and then what? Where would I go? By that point, the isolation had already begun with my friends and family so I didn’t feel I could call them. I stuck it out. I know that I really didn’t sleep that night. I think we were up half of it fighting and he just kept on drinking.

I remember the drive home back to Nebraska the next day. I ended up driving because he wasn’t sober. I fell asleep and actually almost drove us off the road because I was so exhausted. I don’t know why I stayed. He promised change, the control continued and I was really just don’t have a good answer. Why do I write it now, maybe it is because of the Oprah show, maybe a reminder of why I am so blessed to be free!

There are so many more stories that could be told, being pushed down the stairs, being beat on, belittled, and on and on. But, they are part of my past. Yes, it will change how I enter into relationships but at the end of the day, I know my future husband will understand. I also know (or hope) that my family and friends will drag me out of any relationship, even if I am screaming and kickin, if they suspect any relationship isn’t healthy for me. I might have had two years of being poisoned against my family and friends but at the end of the day – they are the bomb and I will spend the rest of my days making up those two years to them! I just regret those friendships that I lost during that time and probably will never heal.

Normalcy

Honestly – it hasn’t been a world that I have been able to use in some of my dates recently. Usually, I talk to the guy, he seems normal (some don’t even make it that far) and then by the time we meet up, things fall apart. I mean take BB, he seemed normal and then the wheel fell off on the date.

Well, last night was so different. He has been appropriately named by DC as Vanilla. The reasoning? It is normal; it’s plain, but totally delicious. We will see how much this holds true going forward.

We originally were going to meet a week ago this past Wednesday. However, he had a project at work take longer than normal and had to postpone. I was okay with not meeting up with someone after midnight – when he finally wrapped up. He owns his own audio visual company. He sets up conference rooms, workstations and a whole host of other things so, at the end of the day – he puts in the hours he needs to.

I originally was supposed to play softball and then we were going to meet after that. Of course, Mother Nature had better ideas with rain so I was able to get some cleaning done around the house while he wrapped up work. Apparently payroll is important for a Friday.  We met at Baby A’s, a Mexican Restaurant not far from my house. They are known for their margaritas, especially the purple ones. So, of course – we had to have a purple one. (They limit you two if that tells you anything.)

I was nervous given that the previous dates or would be suitors were such train wrecks. However, he was perfectly normal! The guy sitting across the table was really the guy that I have been talking to for the past could of weeks. Chivalry is definitely not dead in Texas.

We had dinner and just talked. Honestly, it didn’t seem like we were there that long but in reality it was close to three hours. He walked me out to the car and we talked for a little longer. I did get the good night kiss but it wasn’t anything bad, groping, awkward. It was very gentleman like.

Will there be a second date between Vanilla and I? I hope so. If this morning is any indication with him calling on the way to work, there will be a date two.

One foot in front of the other....

Some days, it is all I can do, just put one foot in front of the other, make it through the problem, the fear, the anger, just to survive.
Yesterday I had a horrible headache. It was still there when I got home from Lowe's - my favorite 13 hour work day Tuesday. I was out right tired but couldn't sleep because of the headache. I was making me sick and nothing was cutting.  So, if I am up, might as well surf Facebook. I mean I think I have 250 friends, so it isn't like I see everyone's status updates so I surf on occasion just to see what is up. Well, I have been friends with the Ex's mom on Facebook for a long time so I went to see if she had any updates. Nothing, but the Ex’s sister had wrote on her wall so out of curiosity, I went and looked at her pictures, wanted to see how the kids were. Well, there was a picture of a new baby on her page.  I didn’t really think about it, I mean, she already has 6 kids, what is one more. But then, I saw someone make a comment, tell your brother congratulations. WTF? There is only one brother, the Ex. Long story short, it is his baby, born a few weeks ago with the woman he has been living with since we broke up, the same one he swore he wasn’t cheating on me with.
God the emotions I have. Here I am, working 7 days a week, struggling to get by because I took a $7,000 pay cut because of this great life we were going to have in Texas. Sure, his life hasn’t been a bed of roses, but somehow, it feels like he came out ahead. I still have the debt we had together. I am the one making less today than before I met him, I have few friends because I have to work all the time to cover the debt and less income. Sure, I own a house, but I feel like I am just getting by.
I am just putting one foot in front of the other today, trying to let it go. Dwelling on the past of what could have been isn’t going to help today or change tomorrow. I tell myself that God did me a favor that I never got pregnant while we were together. Heaven knows we weren’t careful.

Maybe part of it is a kick in the gut just because it is HER. Or because, while we rarely talk, he has never said anything about it. He told me he was trying to shield me from it, his words.
Well here is my shield….Fuck you. It might kill me and I might not have friends here and have to work my ASS off, but I will come out so far ahead it won’t be funny.  And this time, I won't be using food as comfort.  Your sorry ass will be motivation to run that much farther.  Then I will happily run over your sorry ass.

Stop Talking

That is what one of my coworkers said about another gal at Lowe's.  Stop talking about weight loss and just lose the weight already.  She has been talkin about losing weight since I have been there but nothing really changes. 

Of course, this person wasn't saying it to me, he was saying it about her.  But, I heard it loud and clear.  I have been talking about losing the weight since I gained it all in the walking boot almost two years ago.  I know what I need to do and I can do it.

So, the good news is that I started running again.  I also have made a weekly walk with above mentioned girl every week to Town Lake.  This past week we walked 4.82 miles.  We definitely can pick up the pace but we are heading in the right direction.  Our goal is to do the 10 mile loop before the end of the summer. 

Now, I just need to get the food in check.

Shut Down Mode

Back home at my old gig, we referred to this mode when someone (we know who) was in one of those modes that didn't care and didn't do anything. Since the debacle with Sgt. Drama, I feel like I have been living in that mode. Work not so much, home life, yes. I am trying to kick myself out of it, but not making much headway.
My "holiday" weekend started Thursday at 2. Yeah for having a cool boss that sends us out early when it is dead. That being said - I still didn't get home until after 6. Went to the allergy doctor for my shots, then had the dreaded female doctor's appointment. They called and said "it's nothing to worry about" but I had an abnormal pap and they wanted to recheck in 3 months. Obviously they didn't read my chart to know my history of pre-cervical cancer changes, all the crap I went through about 10 years ago. But that is for another day. Of course, being April's Fools day - babies were being born left & right. That translated into my appointment being almost an hour late by the time the doctor saw me. It was short, definitely not sweet, and then he was off because a patient was having complications. I finally left the office at 5 from a 3:45 appointment. From there, it was off to get a haircut and my hour of Stylist’s therapy. Just a trim but love the entertainment that comes with it.
Friday I was in slow motion. But, I did manage to thoroughly clean two rooms of the house and start on the other two. Normally I just mop or swifter my wood floors. But in the movement of spring - I got on the hands & knees and scrubbed. Who knew one has so many dust bunnies. At 5, it was off to Lowe's.
Saturday was a beautiful day. I had to work until 3 at Lowe's and the shift really flew by just because it was so busy - everyone is in spring mode. I went home and worked on cleaning some more. Then I met Install back at Lowe's with Guinness & Finnegan. We headed to Town Lake to do the 4 mile trail. It was my first time taking both dogs and I don't know if I will take them both again. I think it took a 1/2 hour for them just to calm down and walk. Ugggh! I had a nice time with Install and we are going to make it a weekly Saturday thing.
Sunday - well I just couldn't find the heart to go to Church. I know - it is Jesus day. But, the Christers (Christmas/Easter goers) come out and it is this big family thing. I was by myself. No family to go with and everyone else was working. So, I skipped it. I do feel bad but until you are in that position, you just don't know what it is like. I did spend the day outside working in the yard once the drizzle cleared out. I was quite proud of my repairing of the fence. Finnegan has taken to eating through the fence to get to the dogs on the other side he does not like. So, I had to replace 8 boards and only managed to smack my thumb once. Yeah me! I potted knew flowers in my containers and made sure all my perennials were coming up. Ironically, a Hosta that died midsummer last year came back up but one that I had all summer hasn't reappeared. Weird.
After all that, I grilled myself a fine Ribeye and settled in with a cocktail and The Hangover. Definitely need to buy this movie! Love it!