Jaded

So I should that the bright side of the story to come is that so far I have managed to avoid my stress eating and will not cave to it. It isn't worth it.


I called Runner yesterday because I knew that if I blogged about it, she would of been the only one to respond on what her thoughts were. But then, after the full ramification of everything set in, I was just in shock and had to blog about it. My momma says I am wrong, Runner says I am right. Whatever the answer is, in the end I have learned that they probably really weren't a friend at all.

It's Lowe's drama. I hate it and have decided that working there or not, I am done with that drama and being friends with anyone there. They better be darn special or I am out. There was a group of five that like to refer to themselves as the "Wolfe Pack", think The Hangover. Now, individually I am friends with all them, probably closer to two of them than the other three. However, I was NOT part of the Wolfe Pack and it was always made clear. I was told on more than one occasion by The Skinny Biotch that I just don't understand that they have been through so much together. In any event, they would do things together, for example travel to San Antonio for dinner & partying, that was Wolfe Pack only. Basically, if you weren't part of the five, you were excluded.

I have always felt that I had things in common with Skinny Biotch. She was single, just bought her first house, similar in age, etc. Anyway, I helped her all the time. Helped her move, mowed & loaned my lawn mower when she first got her house and didn't have one, hauled things in my car for her to her house. Friends do that. We would go out to dinner. If she had a bad day, I would invite her over after work for dinner. I thought we were friends.

Then there is the guy that I will call Eye Candy who is also part of the Wolfe Pack. Heaven knows that he is eye candy but is a completely down to earth guy. There is a certain attraction factor there and he reminds me a lot of guys that I have dated. However, he is over 10 years my younger and because of that I would never date him because I would never see it working out. I have joined him and his family for pick up softball games before. Well, over time, let's just say that it was more than just friends, friends with benefits I think they call it. It was one of those things that just happened and I knew it would it ever go any farther than were it was, in my head we would never "date".


So, the inter-twine comes in that Skinny Biotch considered Eye Candy a brother. They had been involved for a time, which I didn't know when I first got together with Eye Candy. But, she was fully aware of what was going on between Eye Candy and I.

I truly love how Facebook has become the new medium to "announce" things. Yesterday Eye Candy posted some new pictures of an adorable little girl. Well, apparently in all of our time around each other, he failed to mention that he was going to be a dad. Is he with the baby momma? I don't know, if he is I know he hasn't been faithful. I was caught off guard by it but after talking to him, understood that he wanted to tell his family first and that we were friends that just had the extra.

Well, I sent a text to Skinny Biotch to see if she had talked to him lately? She asked what was up and I told her that he is a dad. Her response was "Yeah, I have known for awhile. I am happy that he is happy. I'm glad you finally know." WTF?!?!?! That I finally know?

Okay, maybe I am missing something but to me this breaks friend code. If you know your girlfriend has been shagging with a guy and learns he is going to be a dad, you inform your girlfriend of this, right?!? I mean, I get that he wasn't telling people and she is friends with him but shouldn't she of at least filled me in so I wasn't shagging with him?

My stance is that if it was my friend, I would of had respect for my girlfriend and both friendships to tell the girlfriend and respect that she would keep it quiet and put an end to things. However, Skinny Biotch's stance is that she was told something in secret and it needs to be kept that way. Well, because I even questioned her about it and why she didn't tell me, I was informed that I completely insulted her, she was NOT coming to my house Saturday for the football party and got home last night to learn that we are also no longer friends on Facebook, her doing.

Looking back, I just laugh at it. It is petty drama and I still will stand that if the shoe were reversed, I would have said something. Maybe it is fucked up in my brain because I am not mad that Eye Candy didn't tell me right away but feel that Skinny Biotch should of.  But, in the end it doesn't matter.  Skinny Biotch made it clear friendship she liked better and obviously it wasn't mine when she ended our friendship. 

It is probably wrong for me to say, but I just don't care.  Maybe I am jaded.  However, I have been through so much shit in my life that I have to have people in my life that have my back.  If you can't support me and help me through it or even get why I might be upset by something, then I don't want you in my life.  I'm jaded.

It's a start

Well, I will be the first to admit that after my melt down Thursday, I spent the next three days in 100% shut down mode to be followed with a semi-on plan day and an on plan day.  Obviously those things do not bode well for a great first week of falling Weight Watchers, but it did stick for me, or some of it did.

I know, it amounts to a Duck Fart, but it was at least a fart in the right direction and it is a process of going down.  I know that I didn't gain all of this weight overnight, so losing it all overnight is going to be impossible.  On the positive side, this past week I have really focused on trying to go to bed earlier.  Normally you would of found me awake anywhere from 11 - 11:30 pm and the alarm goes off at 5:45 am.  Can you guess why I drag myself out of bed?  So, I am really focusing on trying to be in bed, lights off by 10:30 at the latest.  Last week I had a few nights were I was in bed before 9:30 pm reading and out by 10:00 pm.  My goal is to get in a regular sleep schedule so I can maybe start getting a run in before work.  Crazy concept, I know. 

For other news, there are changes coming to Casa de Schmidt.  On Monday, I will be getting a roommate.  She is moving to Austin from Dallas for her new job.  She is an RN that is about my age and her primary schedule is Saturday & Sunday, so for some degree we will be ships passing in the night.  I think we will get along well and hope this one works out for me.  Thankfully it happens to be a weekend off from Lowe's for me so I can prep the house and that room! 

Later Gators!  (Did I mention she is a Gators fan?)

Housekeeping, I bring you fresh towel?

Jennifer?
I fluff your pillow?
Jennifer, is that you?
Yes, Grammy it's me.

It was always the practical joke that I played on her when she called mom & dad's house.  She would always giggle.  Yesterday marked 4 years ago that she left this world and joined the other.  It some ways it seems so long ago and other ways, it just seems like yesterday.  She was a strong woman who taught me so much and in some ways feels like her life was cut too short, even though she was 88.  I have a feeling that tonight she is enjoying time with her sisters playing some scrabble and giggling at something funny.

This is a picture from the last time I saw my grandma.  Mom, dad and I went to visit her for the day and of course we had to go to lunch at her favorite place, Applebee's. 

So today, I remember her with tears of joy and not tears of loss.  I am so thankful and blessed to have been able to spend so much time with my grandparents growing up and in some ways being one of the "favorites".  Some kids might think it was the worse thing to do, and we probably did too at the time, but spending two weeks on the farm every summer was one of the greatest gifts we could of ever received.  Grandma would always take Trav & I to town,  and while she got groceries, we got to go to the pool.  Of course, no trip to town was complete without a stop to Goodrich Dairy, she would get milk for the week and we would get Orange Casanova's. Now my favorite was bread fresh out of the oven with a little butter and homemade Blackberry Jam.  Yummy. 

We also learned the lesson that if you got stung by a bee, you should put mud on it.  Now, I don't think Grandma was prepared for the afternoon when Travis & I covered ourselves in mud at the pump house and tried to convenience her that we were stung by bees.  Needless to say we learned garden hose water is quiet cold and it takes a LONG time to dry outside. 

Diamond Lil, I think the most important thing you taught us is to laugh and smile.  Life is too short to do anything else but that!  Love you always!

That Day

Yep, it has just been one of those days.  You know the days that it just seems like one thing after another?  The day that doubt just creeps in so quickly?  That the glass no longer feels half full but either empty or ready to say Fuck It and throw it down and smash it.  It is THAT day.

Let me just start of with that I have had to make some really hard decisions this past month.  They haven't been easy decisions and I haven't talked about them on here.  They are personal and something I have needed to deal with, something I do not want to be judged on.  If you don't know what I am talking about, don't worry, you are not alone, most do not.  Have no fear though, the are ultimate decisions for the best.

So, with that said, my stress level has probably been high and just dealing with things as they came.  I had a wonderful week off with my parents and aunt visiting and just was getting back into a grove of a little less stress.  Now, I must note that yesterday was the first day that I had to work both jobs in two weeks so I know that I was tired. Plus last night I was asked to serve as the Head Cashier since the one scheduled called out.  Obviously that in itself was an honor because there is a lot of responsibility and training that goes with it.  So, to be asked to do it with no training was great.  But, it was also some added stress because I was responsible for all the cashiers, making sure all the registers and money were closed and deposited at the end of the night, etc.  Needless to say, I was extra tired just making sure I got it all done and did it right.

Then today came.  It started as a joke.  Last night we had an upgrade to one of our databases, it was minor, but the calendar had been blocked so no one could be off and it actually had been rescheduled since the original date was set when I was on vacation.  The joke, the boss called out.  Now we know that if I would of done that, I would of either been drug to the office, for certain written up, if not fired.

Then there was a phone call.  Last week I went to see the female doctor for the annual check up.  It was the standard thing with the standard, if your tests results are normal, we will just send you a letter.  If there is anything we need to discuss, well we will call.  Well, they called and as it always happens, I was not at my desk to call back.  Of course, the message says not to worry but ummm, if you are calling you are obviously concerned about something right?  I called back within two minutes and got the nurses voicemail.  And I called back two hours later, same thing.  Called a little later, got the operator, transferred to the nurses station and yup, voicemail.

So, by now my head is spinning.  Now maybe I should clarify that in my 20's, I had pre-cervical cancer changes.  It was treated and every once in awhile something causes a flag and then need to just double check, no problem.  However, my mind was thinking...maybe there is cancer like changes again? But, then there was the full range of STD tests they ran.  I am a single lady and you can never be too careful. What if I have a STD?  What if it is HIV?  Then there was the full wellness blood panel they ran, for cholesterol and all that other fun stuff.  Maybe I have high cholesterol? And because I am my mothers child's, I continued to worry.  I had cancer or HIV, I just knew it.  The best news, by the time I left work at 4:30, the doctors office was closed and they never called back.  I got to sleep on it.

And because I like to worry and stress about things, I was starting to think that things were not right with Chicago, you know my one hope at meeting a normal guy, having a normal dating relationship.  Yeah, well not so much.  I texted him to see what was up and nothing prepared me for the answer I got, especially when I figured I would be seeing him this weekend.  The text....'To be honest, I have been busy but decided to move back to Chicago next month.  My mom has breast cancer and it is tough.  I'd rather be there.  I'm sorry.  Didn't decide till about a week ago and wasn't sure.'  So, that was it.  The end.  My chance at normal and something positive, a turn for the good.

Of course, that happened right before my appointment with Hairdresser.  She knew I was off my game as much as I would like to try and hide it.  :)  But, we just had normal and stayed away from the Chicago conversation while she readjusted my blonde that had fallen.  Well, while I was baking under the lamps, the phone rang...it was the doctor's office.  Thank goodness they opted to stay past 6 tonight to call me.  So, the bright side is that I do not have cancer, do not HIV, do not have any STDs.

However, because I am my Grandmother's granddaughter (my mom said I had to blame her), my blood sugar was higher than they would like to see for someone that had been fasting and had not eaten anything since the night before at supper.  Based upon the conversation with the nurse, for most, they would probably not worry about it and run a follow up test in year.  But given my genes...a grandmother, a mother, a uncle and a brother who all have diabetes, I can't wait.  Just grand.

So, that is my day.  I lost a great thing in a good guy because I always have that luck.  The good ones the timing always seems to be wrong and the bad ones, well they just suck.  Now, I have to deal with the odds of having diabetes.  I know it was one test, but given my genetics the odds are stacked against me and I know that one can live with it, its just a game changer.

Tonight, I just feel alone.  A nameless face behind words.  A person that is tired of fighting.  Tired of trying to do the right thing.  Tired of being in a big state and feeling so small.  Tired of missing out on my families activities.  Tired of not being able to do things with my friends here.  Tired of my phone never ringing.  Just tired of being tired.  Tired of That Day!

And So It Begins....Again

Yep, after having the parentals visit and seeing the success my mom, aunt and cousin have had using Weight Watchers, I decided it was time for me to go back.  The last time I got into those ultra awesome clothes in my closet, some of which still have price tags on them, was when I was on Weight Watchers.

Of course, some of the other inspiration was finding a poster from when I coached at Lincoln High.  It was unbelievable how skinny my face looked, never mind my body.  I'll have to try and post a picture of that tomorrow.  It seems so long ago but really it wasn't.

So, yesterday I saddled up and went to my first Weight Watchers meeting.  Tuesday nights at 6 pm will be my night.  My plan is to always stay for the meetings but since I am also going to start playing softball on Tuesday nights, I will have to skip the meetings if the game is at 6:30 or maybe just go to a different location over lunch.



Week 1



Now my progress tab will be a little skewed than what is on here but I will add my weigh in information to it as I go and Tuesday nights will be my new weigh in.

Today we are on plan.  Now if I can pull that off for three days - we will be making serious progress.

Higher Aspirations

Yes, it is true, I do have aspirations in life. 

Well as been the case for a few weeks now, Vanilla Horndog has been a pain in my tail.  He tries to keep track of what I am doing and likes to text "Are you ready?", which is code for him of I want to get together and have sex. (Sorry mom & aunts...I have had sex before).  I told him no which his response was you will be ready soon enough.  Of course, that just lit a fire under me and pisses me off.  I responded that the only way I was going to be ready is if I was in a relationship with someone and could see them at least once of week.  Of course, he tried to make it seem like I was being mean and that he just enjoyed good sex with me.  Well, never fear...I set him straight and haven't heard from him since then.  I told him that I didn't enjoy time with him but I am no longer going to be the girl that is good enough in bed but not good enough to date (unless you get sex) or be in a relationship with.   Call it wrong, but I have higher aspirations than being just a good lay in bed.  I am not sure if it was pointing out the lack of dating or my aspiration but haven't heard from him since then.  Boys.

Then there is the bright side of the story.  The new guy.  This one might have a chance to be around for awhile.  Per DC, he will be named Chicago.  LOL...personally I think since she is off today that her brain is soft.  (Luv ya girl!)  In any event, we have gone out twice now.  He has been in Austin a little over a year, moving here from Chicago.  He took a job for his friend that also moved here with his family and works as a Lobbyist for the Retired Teachers Association.  I understand enough to know they handle a lot of the retirement funds.  In true fashion, he also meets my tall definition and only stands at 6'4".  He played college basketball at Sourthern Illinois.

Last night I went to his apartment and we played Bocce Ball.  He lives in an apartment community owned by Jerry Jones and let's just say that, like the Cowboys stadium, it is over the top.  There are 9 pools, a fitness center that even offers classes, and among other things two Bocce Ball courts.  We had a lot of fun playing until the sunset and the lights were turned off.  :(  Afterwards we watched the NFL football game and relaxed.  So, if all continues to go well, we might have some Chicago stories in the future!

On a completely seperate note, I stepped on the scale today (I know I should do that every day!) but I finally hit my first 10 lbs lost.  Of course now I just need to hold on until next week for it to become OFFICIAL.

My progress

Or should I say, lack of progress.

My Big 0.2% Loss and 0.5% Gain

It took an email from Runner this week to clear up my vision of what I need to do. She probably doesn't even realize that she provided such clarity for me. It was just a simple question, “are you doing weight watchers online”? The answer was no. But, it sunk in. Here is my friend that does training for triathlons and she still needs focus and accountability. I need it to.

The bad news is that the timing is wrong to join WW again, online or for meetings. However, I will be going back to the meetings as soon as I can make it work. But, in the meantime, I have the tools I need and have made use of them. Yesterday I started journaling my food! Obviously not something big, but for me it was huge.

Now, I know I shouldn’t weigh in every day but I wanted to know my starting weight was when I journal. Yesterday, I was at 185.6. Today, I was at 184.2. I believe that says something for me and what I need to do. So, today I am back at it again. Hopefully next week’s progress will be even better.

The other incentive is the 108 degree temps finally left us and it is actually nice out again – well at least 92 degree nice and walks are enjoyable.

Until later.

Prayers!

This is some of the scene from Austin this past Holiday weekend. While most of my friends and family in Nebraska were enjoying beautiful weather and family BBQ's, life in Austin was forever changing. Thoughts and prayers go out to so many impacted that I can't even put into words what life is like right now.

All summer long, Texas has been stuck in this miserable weather pattern of scorching heat and absolutely no rain. In July, only two days were under 100 and I think we had one day under a 100 in August with a number over the 105 mark. It has just been unbearable. The animals are starving. Water mains are breaking because of the large cracks in the ground. Water restrictions are in place. It is just unimaginable.

Then the true unimaginable has happened. A small spark has ignited fires all over Austin and the surrounding areas. It smells like someone is having a campfire when you walk out the door. Unfortunately, it is just a reminder that it is another house lost, another part of someone’s life a memory.
I remember the devastation of the F5 Tornado that ripped through Hallam and what was left of that town. However, the Bastrop fire, well it is well beyond that level and everything that has come in its bath is left scorched. I do not know how one community recovers from it. FEMA has come in to offer assistance today. So far, over 600 homes have been lost in all the fires around Austin, with almost 500 of them coming from the Bastrop Community.
So, I ask you, if you are reading this today, please prayer for these families that are impacted. As of this afternoon, the Bastrop fire is not contained. Prayer for those that have lost everything. Prayer for the fire fighters and emergency personnel that are fighting these fires. Prayer that God brings this state rain soon to provide us a much needed break!
If you want to learn more of how many fires are ongoing around Austin, please use this link:
http://www.kxan.com/dpp/news/information-on-fires-in-central-texas


You can also see some amazing viewer photos from this link as well:
http://www.kvue.com/news/Wildfires-More-viewer-photos-129277328.html?gallery=y&img=0&c=y#gallery-image

The Heart Wants What the Heart Wants

Relationships suck!  Or at least they do for me.  Urrrgggghhhh!!

So I don't know if I blogged but Vanilla Horndog has been back in touch again because he and his girlfriend didn't work out.  Whatever.  I am so guarded with him because it stung like no other when he started dating her.  But, at the same time, I like the guy.  I can't say that I have a "type" of guy that I look for, although I will say that almost all of them are tall.  :)  With that said, Vanilla Horndog just has those qualities that I look for, well expect me being a priority.  We click.

So, ironically yesterday he called me later in the day.  He had to call me back because he had another call he had to take.  In any event, he asked if I had to work last night or if I could of went out for drinks.  I told him I didn't work but couldn't of gone because I had other plans.  It was like this jealous side came out when he found out I had a date.  Wanted to know who he was, where I met him, how long we have been dating, etc.  Never seen this side from him before.  It was cute but oh so frustrating.

Now, as for the date.  This was the first date with a new guy that has yet to be named.  I have determined that they have to have a few dates before DC gets the chance to name them. He was a nice guy and all but my mind couldn't let go of the jealousy that Vanilla Horndog had over it. 

I know, I know, he had his chance move on, that is what my mind tells me.  But the heart and the other part of the mind tells me something different.  Of course, Vanilla Horndog is texting me this morning wanting me to know how the date went.  Uggh.

Why can't matters of the heart be easy for once?

Morning Person

I am not!

I am pretty sure that if you asked my mom, there is no doubt in her mind that I am not a morning person.  I think that anyone that knows me accepts this fact.  This morning, it was really clear.

I was tired, I admit it.  But, I never realized how anti mornings I was until today.  On my way in to work I noticed the lady in the car next to me on the phone.  She was laughing, smiling and looked like she was enjoying her conversation.  In my mind, all I could think of is why the hell would anyone be on a call this early in the morning.  (It was 7:30 btw).  I mean why would you call someone and laugh and joke like that so early.  I avoid the phone and pray and doesn't ring in the morning.  Most communication with me better be via text.  Even when I am running late, I text my boss rather than call.  LOL

I suppose the next thing I need to do is change my Lowe's schedule...something tells me that me working at 6 am on a Saturday is NOT going to be a good idea for any customers.