They Just Don't Get It!

Warning - today is a rant day. 

Some days I really get why some of the mangers we have at my part time job went into retail and skipped college, they just don't get it.  I just want to tell them, walk two weeks and my shoes and then let's talk.  Of course, they will have some whitty answer and then will forget we had that conversation.

On a weekly basis, it is a fight to make sure they don't give me more than 20 hours in a week.  For budget purposes, I need to average 13 as things are set right now.  But, most weeks I have to remind them that I have more than 20 and I don't want that.  21 hours, 24 hours isn't bad for the average person.  That said, they forget I already work 40 hours if not more at the full time job.  I don't need a few extra hours at the part time job.

So Monday night was a classic.  There were four closing cashiers.  I was the only one that works there part-time and has another full time job.  The others have it as their only job.  When day light savings time started, Lowe's started opening at 6 am and staying open until 10 pm.  In reality it is dumb because they don't change the door signs and most customers don't know unless they happen to stop by.  For the worker bees, it means that most nights we don't get to go home until 10:30 or later.  However, there are always a few that are scheduled to be off at 10.  On Monday, when two of the 3 asked if they could leave because they were only scheduled until 10, the manager (who does schedules) asks they Head Casher (who also does the schedules) why is Jenn scheduled until 10:30 and not one of the first to leave.  EXCELLENT question smithers.

Then came last nights conversation.  I originally was scheduled vacation from Sunday through Easter because I was going to Vegas and just wanted off for Easter.  Anyway, since Vegas was cancelled, I told the manager that she could add back in my Monday & Wednesday night shifts.  Well, some how that also turned into adding my Sunday shift back in too.  Our mystery shop for the month was not good and it was because the cashiers failed that day so now we have a mandatory meeting on Sunday.  Last night I told the manager that I would either come in to work the five hour shift or come in for the meeting, not both, her choice.  She then proceeds to tell me how it is her day off too and she has to come in, blah, blah, blah.  Lady I don't give a rats ass if you are in a different country and have to come back is really what I wanted to say.  I'll remind them Sunday when I leave I am not coming back and if they write me up, I don't care.  There is a first for everything I suppose.

I am so tired of this battle with them!  Things are finally starting to roll, slowly, with Scentsy so maybe I can build up steam there and tell Lowe's where to go.  I am making an effort to make it go which I haven't done in the past and it is amazing the difference it makes.  Anyone interested in being an Independent Consultation for Scentsy?  It is great extra income and pretty easy!  Cheap start up costs too!

DeBT eLiMiNaTOR

Meet my new super hero, the Dixie DeBT eLiMiNaTOR.  (I'll just call her Dixie for short!) She is a mean, lean fighting machine that beats debt into submission.

So in reality she doesn't exist.  I received a link yesterday that allows you to create your own superhero.  So, when I saw that one of the chest logos was a $, I just tweaked it to the $ necklace used to battle the evil, evil debt and credit companies. 

Since my departure from the EX, debt has been a thorn in my side.  Some days I really wonder how I managed to buy a house.  Some days I wonder if I really should of bought the house.  Prior to getting the house, I was making serious strides beating things down.  Well, then the recession hit and my focus moved more towards my house.  While I didn't take on any more debt, I started turtling on the debt and then the credit card companies became evil and made life more difficult for me.  I mean, how will you ever win a race when they feel you should pay 29.99% interest on a balance.  You are freakin kidding me was heard from me a LOT.

Only a select few know how bad the situation really is.  I am so grateful that Runner gets it and I can share the struggles of money.  (She and her husband are also banishing their debt and trying to build their financial future too.)  Honestly, I see the debt is my biggest failure.  Yes, at the end of the day, a LOT of it stemmed from my time with the EX but I wasn't free and clear before I met him either, so I can't blame him entirely.  Even though I was an accounting major, managing money was my biggest flaw!  I always wanted what I couldn't afford and would buy it anyway.  Look at my baby Explorer (that I still miss today!).  It was an impusle buy that ended up with a 600+ car payment.  I mean, who does that?!?!  At the end, I owned it free and clear and maybe that was why I was so sad to see it go!  However, it defined my poor choices of money!

But, what has been done is done and I can't change it.  What I can change is my future and I am doing that baby step by baby step every day for a healthy financial future!  Hopefully I can pass along some of the wisdom that I have learned along the way and who knows - if I dig out of this mess - I might even be able to write a book.  Hahaha.  Of course, I couldn't do any of this without my friends on the WIR site!  They keep me focused and while I was away most of the year, this year has reinforced what a positive effect they have in my life and how much progress I can make when I apply myself and keep posting on their site.  If you have never heard of WIR and have debt of any kind, I suggest you head over if you need motivation to be free and clear of the chains that bind called debt.

Every day is a learning experience of choices that are made that define my financial future and I learn from them.  If you don't know where to begin, the first step is a budget!  I think Dave Ramsey said it best when he said "Spend your money on paper before it comes in for the month versus wondering where it all went at the end of the month." 

I have been consistent with my budget this year and making it the decision maker of how I spend my money.  Of course that reasoning was why my Vegas trip was cancelled but in the end, I will be more grateful!  So far, through March, I have kicked 4.4% of my debt to the curb and hope that things will begin to snowball in the next few months!  I have to rebuild my emergency fund back up after Finn wiped it out, but things will start rolling. 

So, if you ask me to do something and I say no, or suggest something else in place of it, please know it is not anything personal, it is just my alter ego Dixie DeBT eLiMiNaTOR reminding me who is in charge.  Take for example the grass.  Rather than putting some much needed sod down in my backyard, I think that $200 will be better spent obtaining my next credit card $0!  The sixth zero of this journey is so, so close!

Horoscope

At the end of the day, I believe in my faith and don't give much stock to what the stars say about how my life is going to be.  That said....I think today's forecast was so fitting, almost scary like.

"Give your life meaning today by truly feeling the beauty in every moment you live.  There is no need to beat yourself up about the past, so move on.  It also does no good to beat yourself up about the present.  You are at the right place at the right time, so don't waste your energy by thinking you should be somewhere else.  There is plenty of fun and adventure to be had right where you are."

Last night I talked with Momma and realized how suddenly at Peace I am with just Being!  It is crazy.  Of course, it has been a crazy week of changes too but I have no regrets which is what is important.  Then again, maybe it is the things that are finally starting to go my way. 

Please forgive me Momma, but there were a couple of guys out there that I could term FWB (friends with benefits).  But in my moment of Being this week, they were told that unless they were at the point of having time to date and be in a real relationship, the benefits was done.  I don't blame them, I allowed myself to be put in that position but I don't want to be that girl anymore.  I don't want to be the one that scratches their itch.  As for the dating thing, that will still be on the break unless Mr. Right pulls a miracle and finds me.  I told a friend last night that I just think that I am so caught up with the biological clock ticking, never having kids that I sabotage what chance any relationship could have.

I also began the purging of clutter last night.  We now have posted a desk, comforter and TV for sale.  Still have a number of things that I can add to the list this weekend.  Plus on another positive note, I have had three leads for Scentsy clients in the past 24 hours.  Of which, all should be placing an order!  Whoohooo…maybe that will start taking off and I can get rid of Lowe’s sooner than later!

On a main job front, things are starting to turn for the positive too.  Or at least there is something positive to look in the future to.  In a nutshell, the part of my job that I absolutely LOVED is being pushed towards the front again.  How quickly that will happen, well our New York office will have a say on that, but it is out there and they want me!

Who knew that just Being could bring so much peace.

A break

I think that is what I need, a break.

A break from the dating world at least. I don't know if it is possible to try too hard to find the right guy that you end up wrecking the chances with new prospects? It sure feels like it. Then again, they probably weren't right for me anyway - but you know how that goes. So, I am taking a break. Unless Mr. Right appears on my door step, I am taking a break.

A break from dieting. I swear I have been in the up, down, up, down, up, down roller coaster called weight loss for months, maybe years. At the end of the day, I do really good for a few days and then fail miserably for a few more days and so on. So, instead of diet, instead of journaling, instead of a million versions of diet - I am going to just go with BEING. I'll eat what I want when I am hungry. I will listen to my body and just focus on taking care of me. Feeding myself with fuel and things that will energize me. Of course, working out will also be included in this adventure. Biking, running, just enjoying it outside.

A break from cable. I know, scary! But, I cancelled my cable on Tuesday. Oddly enough, I haven't been home to even notice that it is off. I think I was home for a half hour last night that I watched part of a replay of the Young & the Restless on CBS site but otherwise, I haven't missed it. Something tells me that tonight and tomorrow will not be much different. My Thursday night softball league starts tonight so it will probably be close to 9 before I am home, have the dogs walked, had supper and showered. Friday night will probably be much the same. Plus, it is the season of Crab Grass in my backyard which means I will be spending a lot of time in the backyard pulling out that darn crap and trying to get ahead of it since weed killer only seems to slow it down a little.

What I won't get a break from is work. :( Lowe's is tiring right now. We are staying open until 10 at night which means it is usually 10:30 before I leave and then I can never go home and go straight to bed. But, after they tried to pull a fast one and schedule me with 8 hour shifts on Saturday & Sunday, on top of my 10 hours during the week, HR told management they couldn't do it since I wasn't available. :) Win for me!!!  The other job, the real job, well it is just busy and we are waiting to see what our raises are going to be for the year, if anything.  Fingers crossed it is something!

Finnegan update - well I think he might of exhausted a few lives but it doesn't seemed to have slowed him down at all. Finn is back to himself, crazy as ever and is showing no effects from the Heat Stroke. The vet was certain he would have permanent brain damage, so I am very relieved! Unfortunately for him, it means that he has been contained to the back porch on nights that I work. I put the baby gate up so he can't leave the porch and run himself into heat stroke again.

Ahhhh Finn

The stress Finn creates in my life some days is unbelievable and never ending for that matter. I am on a constant basis of repairing fence pickets he chews through trying to see the neighbor dog, always having to fence around plants so he doesn't eat them, and it goes on.

So, why would Monday be any different? I was off from work on Monday to have the temporary crown put on for the broken Atomic Fireball tooth. Well, I let the two munchkins outside to stretch their legs because they were driving me crazy. It was beautiful out, about 80 although a tad humid. About a half hour in to the trip outside, Finn had started barking. He has this fascination with the neighbor dog and runs up and down the fence trying to see him and ends up barking at him. Well, when he barks, he comes in.

So, I head outside to bring him in. I holler at him "inside". He comes running and heads to his crate because he knows he shouldn't bark. He was panting really hard when he came in and didn't really think much of it. But then I noticed he was sucking air hard and was making this wheezing sound like his air way was blocked. Given his love for eating wood, I thought maybe something was caught. So, I started patting him to see if he could cough anything up. He just kept pacing and never could get comfortable. Then he started yakking, yakking foamy saliva. I knew it wasn't good and he was in trouble. I called the vet and they said bring him in now.

Off to the vet we race. Now it seemed like a lifetime, but in reality, it was probably 10 minutes time between when I brought him inside and walked into the vet’s office. They started with the hi, can I…..and then they saw Finn limp in my arms. They raced him off to the back and someone came back out to have me fill out paperwork.

The next two hours were just a whirl. First a tech came out to see if there were any allergies, what was he doing, could it be a bee sting, all these questions. They had to intubate him so he could breathe because he was turning purple by the time I got him there. Then another vet came out and said they still don’t know what is going on but believes that it is Heat Stroke. His temperature topped the thermometer at 108 and he actual temp was probably higher. They had put him on IV room temperature fluids as well as giving him a bath in the hopes of cooling him down.

His prognosis was not good. They described him as near death and his prognosis was listed as Poor to Guarded. He was stable for the time but was now having constant seizures. They let me go back there and it was so hard to see him with the seizures. I took the picture here just because I was so afraid it was going to be the last time I seen him. Every time they gave him something for the seizure, it would stop them for a time and then they would start back up. The vet just kept saying the next 24 to 36 hours would determine his recovery. They had no idea how much brain damage and internal organ damage was done. He had already shown signs of blood in his urine and bloody diarrhea, both a sign of his GI tract under stress. At 3:30 they told me to go home and get some rest. I would need to be back at 5:30 to transport him to the overnight Emergency Vet.

At 5:30 I went back to the Vet’s office. They were so busy and I felt guilty because I am sure Finn’s emergency did not help their situation. Someone was constantly looking over the little guy while he was there. The office was supposed to close at 6 but I think it was finally 6:30 when they carried him out on a doggy stretcher to my car. Off to the other vet we went. He was moving around in the back of the Jeep and I had to keep talking to him to try and keep him calm. He kept trying to lift his head up and then you would hear a thunk because he couldn’t support it.

A tech met us outside and carried him straight to the back. I was put in a room and told to wait. You know how you see the movies where people are in this room and time seems to stand still and they just hear the click, click, click of the clock. Yep, that was my world. The Critical Care Vet finally came in to talk to me. Again, she reiterated what I knew, his prognosis was not good. He even smelled of death and they worried his GI tract would not recover. On the positive side, he had not had a seizure since I had transferred him.

I was given a couple of options, well if you want to call it that. One option that was not available was to just give him fluids for the night and see how he responds. My first option was, well probably not an option, but was to put him down. The other option was what I deemed the Hail Mary Pass, and it wasn’t going to be cheap. The low estimate was $700+. They wanted to give him a plasma transfusion to see if they could help with the clotting issues. At that point, his blood was not clotting properly and they were afraid he would throw a clot into his brain, lungs, or heart. Now, depending on his response and if they had to do a second plasma transfusion, they were talking almost $1200. Keep in mind I had already shelled out $500+ when I transferred him.

Then I had the decision that you never want to make, ever, Human or animal! In the event that his heart would stop, do you want to use life saving measures? My only thought was that at this point, the only thing he had going for him the past 7 hours is that his heart had been strong. So, believing that was a sign, I told them that if his heart would stop, let him go. I finally headed home around 8:30 pm after saying good-bye feeling exhausted. However, before I left, I got to see him one last time and even though he couldn’t hold his head up as much as he tried, his little tail was going 900 miles a minute.

After speaking with my family, I did what I only knew that was left that I could do and that was Pray. Pray to God that he makes it an easy decision. If I need to let him go, then make it obvious that it was time to go. If God wants to heal Finn, please heal him. I prayed the Rosary and hoped God would make things clear by first light. I called at 10:30 to check on him one last time and I was told there was no change. He was still neurotic, but there had been no seizures and they were just beginning the plasma transfusion.

It was definitely a restless night of sleep. I woke up at 4:30 thinking I should call. But then, I kept telling myself that I had to be there by 6 to transport him back to the other vet so there was no need to call. They hadn’t called in the night, so that meant there was no change and he wasn’t gone. So that had to be good, right? I had come to peace with things in the night and if he hadn’t improved, I needed to let him go.

Off to the Emergency Vet I went at 5:45 am. I patiently waited my turn to hear the news. The vet sat down next to me and I was prepared for the worst, prepared to take him to the other vet and put him down. But, instead I was greeted with the news that Finn responded incredibly well to the plasma transfusion and was even trying to walk! The assistant even told me that at 2 am she couldn’t take it anymore and actually took him outside for a bit. He was very wobbly on his legs and reminded me of a newborn calf, they just never are steady on their legs when they first start out.

The Vet said that while all of this is a good sign, they don’t know if he just weak on his legs or if it is permanent brain damage. Plus there was the issue of his GI tract recovering, if at all. She said we were definitely not out of the woods and more than likely I would be shuttling him between the two facilities the rest of the week. 

Of course, Finn was much more alert on this transport and was not interested in laying down. He kept trying to stand up and then fall down on the back seat. Then there was the issue of the catheter. He had one in for his IV port and then still had the urine one hooked up. Well, being Finn’s normal self, much to me telling him no, managed to chew through the IV port. Needless to say, blood started coming out and of course he couldn’t be still so it ended up all over the back seat, doors and windows. Ugggh! Of course, I should of recognized that as a sign from God that he was going to be just fine, he was making my life miserable again. Thank goodness for Vinyl seats!

I wrapped him in a blanket and carried him into the Vets office just so I didn’t get blood everywhere. I do believe they were surprised just to see him alert. I helped them clean up the mess and get the port out so they could start a new IV. Finally was back on my way home at 8:30. The only downside of this was I was just looking to go home and get some sleep. But, I couldn’t turn my phone off in case they called and everyone kept calling and texting to see how the little guy was doing. I called at 10:30 because DC was asking how he was doing and was told not much change, about the same.

After a good nap, I called in about 12:30 just to see how he was doing. They said he was doing great! He was alert and paying attention to everything going on in the back. He was getting excited when people would talk to him. I asked if I should bring up some food and was told that would be great. By the time that I got there, they had already given him some and told me I could go back and see him. Finn Finn was excited to see mamma! Lots of tail wags and kisses. I tried to open the kennel door but quickly realized that was a bad idea because he was trying to get out. I fed him some food and that became a project because he kept biting my finger trying to get the food. He had a silly cone on his head because he was still being difficult with the IV. He was NOT a happy camper when Momma left and the Vet said that is a great sign!

The plan was to come back at 5:30 and do the same process again as the night before. So, I went home and did some yard work just to get my mind off of things. After a quick shower, I headed back and was told that instead of transporting him to the Emergency Clinic, he was coming home! I would bring him back in the morning so they could keep an eye on him, but he was coming home. He definitely was still wobbly on his feet but appeared to be doing much better than when I picked him up from the Emergency Clinic.

Three days letter, Finn keeps getting stronger and back to his old self. I have had a few barks out of him so I know the voice is working fine. He definitely pees a lot so I don’t know if that is from the IV fluids or something long term. But, the good news is that his poo is hard, which means his GI tract will be fine. Long term, a lot remains unknown but every day is a gift from God with him and one we will celebrate!

Trust and Listening

It was as if God knew what I needed today.  I drug myself out of bed tonight and went to 5 o'clock service.  The subject of the homily was Listening & Trust and how you can't really listen without Trusting.  Of course, I know with my past I can't trust.  Guess it is on me.

FML

So it has been forever and a day since I blogged.  But, having one of those days and talking on the phone isn't going to solve it so might as well write it.

Honestly, I swear life just keeps throwning hits at me and I am tired of it.  I am tired of them coming, I am tired of rolling with them and just want them to stop.  WTF did I do to deserve this life, I mean really?  Why try?

Let's start with this past Monday.  A busy, stressful day at work.  Enjoying an atomic fireball, seeming relatively easy.  Well, apparently I was not done with it like I thought and bit down into it.  End result, a broken tooth.  Now I get to shell out $616 (after insurance) on Monday to have a crown put on.  My cousin turns 30 and everyone was going to Vegas to celebrate.  I was going, was being the important word.  Now, alll the money I had responsibly saved now gets to go to pay for a crown.  FML, why can't I just have some down time?  Why does this stuff always happen to me.

Then came yesterday.  NoDIY was still out there and outside of not having time to see each other things were still okay.  He invited me over on Thursday night  but I had already got to a friends house and couldn't go.  Friday night I had stopped by his job site just to say hi since we just had been able to see each other.  We had planned on getting together yesterday.  Well, with SXSW in town he wanted to meet me a friends house so we could all go check out some live music, go out to dinner, etc.  He told me to pack my swim suit so we could all go hot tubbing later, etc. 

Well, things were going well.  A group of us went from his friends house over to the local pub and were having a great time.  One of his female friends even complimented me saying I was the prettiest girl he had ever dated.  Around 12ish, we headed back over to his friends house.  Apparently there was issues with the hot tub heating up and one by one, everyone trickled out.  I couldn't stay awake any longer, was drunk and went and crashed on the couch.  At that point, NoDIY and I were the only two that were still up.  He stayed outside by the fire.  At 2:30ish, I woke up to a huge crash sound like something broke.  Apparently a bunch of girls had showed up and one of them knocked over a lamp trying to go back outside. 

I was drunk and just so confused.  I didn't now how my date night some how turned into him having more girls show up and getting into the hot tub.  I honestly laid there for a long time trying to decide what to do.  I  finally just opted to go out the front door and head home around 3:30.  I sent him a text that told him I left.

Well, ultimately I was up until after 5 am talking via text messaging with him.  Needless to say, I called out to Lowes today.  All I kept hearing was that I was jealous, insecure and should of come out and said goodbye. How he told the girls who I was, how it was his life and how he had all these friends.  Between then and all afternoon I have heard that I am too much a good girl and just wont fit into his lifestyle. 

At the end of the day, I don't think I am upset with as much as NoDIY working out, although I really would of liked it to, but that it is just another relationship that didn't work out.  I don't get how I can be so independent, own my own house and then feel so insecure.  FML.  Is it too much to think there is a guy out there for me and that I could have kids.  Every day, month, date, year that goes by, I have one more day that I have to face that I will never have kids, probably will never be married and will be alone. 

It is so fucking hard.  Everyone I am surrounded by has someone.  They have kids, they have a husband, they have a boyfriend.  I won't get into how as life gets hectic for those friends, I am the one that falls off of the radar.  They all have their go to person and I have nobody.  Some days I hate living in Texas but in reality it is those days that I am feeling all alone.  At the end of the day, it isn't Texas.  I would still have the friends that are busy back home that forgot I was here. 

Here I am, the good girl that has tried to do everything right and life and I have nobody to share it with.  Why can't it be easy for me, just once?  Is that too much to ask for?  FML

Oh yeah, for good measure I got another email from a new guy on Match.com, he is looking for a friends with benefits.  FML.  I don't want to be that girl.