Tuesday, December 15, 2009

Just a lot of blah

Yes, it is true. I have been in some sort of funk for at least the month of December if not longer. No idea what it is from, what triggers it but it is there. I wouldn't say that it is obviously noticeable but the ones that are around me all the time have noticed, always asking if I am okay. But, those that aren't, probably don't even have a clue unless I said something. I am sure it is a combination of things and really who knows. I just know that even typing this blog, I feel the urge to cry. Why? I really don't know.

I went home over Thanksgiving and spent the holiday with family. Maybe that triggered it, maybe it just made it worse. I am sure some are thinking - how can a Holiday with family make you blah? Or some are going to say - move home. But really it is a combination of things from home that are contributing to it.

One - I am 35, absolutely zero prospects in the dating arena and feel like I get closer and closer to the prospect of never being a parent. The dreaded biological clock factor. Now I know that weighs on me but to contribute to it, I go home to my parents house full of babies and soon to be babies. Both my younger brothers are parents (or by Feb) and here I am alone and going to be known as the Favorite Aunt. Don't get me wrong, happy for them, really sucks for me.

Two - While it is "home" it no longer is home. To some degree, I don't feel as if I belong. Most friends are too busy and involved in their own lives that I don't see them when I am on short trips back. Sometimes when I do get to see them, it almost feels like it is a formal meeting and I really don't know them anymore. For others, the only way they can see me is if I fit myself into their activities, so is that really a friend? Parties at my parent’s house I feel like the flower on the wall watching everyone else interact because they are around each other more. I normally get the hi, give me a rundown of your life in 5 minutes or less attitude. Really I feel as if I left, no one would notice one way or another.

So - whether the trip home created the snowball or just helped it gain momentum...it is rolling full steam ahead. I had zero ambition to put up Holiday decorations because to me it meant finding time to put them up only to find time to take them down again. Well, Mama would have no such thoughts and so it is all up. Although, I still haven't made the effort to find the extension cord to plug the tree in. I had to put the tree on the landing going upstairs so I could use the baby gate to keep Finn away from it. To him, it represents a new chew toy.

Life here for the most part is good. I just have that blah mood and choose to isolate myself than be around others. The thought of going out for drinks after a Lowe's night is not something I want to do just because it ends up being a complaining fest about Lowe's for the group and really, it is a part time job to me. If I am that miserable and need to waste a good drink just to complain about it, I need something new - so I opt to go home.

My weight is really bothering me too. I am stuck in this yoyo between 188 and 186...yep officially obese according to the BMI. It doesn't matter what I eat, how much I exercise, it just bobs back and forth. But, if it kills me - it is coming off before the cruise in March.

This year will also mark my first Christmas on my own. No family is visiting and I will not be heading to Houston to spend it with the Curtis' clan. Really it is just a personal choice not to go. I am pretty sure I will be at work until 3 on Christmas Eve. Then because of my set schedule at Lowe's, I open the day after Christmas. I didn't attempt to ask it off since I was the only one to get the weekend after Thanksgiving off from the store. So, spending 6 hours in the car for less than a 24 hour visit, well, just doesn't seem worth it.

The other factor that is there and shouldn't be is the EX. He violated probation once again and is looking at going to jail for up to a year. I know he has made his own choices and it is not my fault, but at some level, I feel accountable. I know I couldn't have done anything different, he had the problem but well it is just there.

So that is the blahness in my life right now. Probably as depressing as it gets but yep that is my pathetic life at this moment. I know, if I told Mama, she would tell me to call Hypno lady so she can cast me into a happy trance again. Really, I just feel like I have been in a PMS mood for a month now. Really sucks and really I should call Hypno lady. Maybe I should just go and make that my Christmas present to myself and to the people stuck around me on a daily basis!

So, if you don't get a Christmas Card this year, do not be alarmed, do not be offended. I have no urge to write a Christmas card letter and make my life seem so great because right now I don't feel that way. Plus, again, the urge or writing out Christmas cards does not strike a chord either. I want to be true to me and doing any sort of letter/card would be fake because no one wants a bah humbug letter!

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