Blogging Project - Day 5

A time I thought about ending my own life

I am almost afraid to post this one. I get how selfish suicide is and really understand how much pain it leaves in the hearts of the ones left behind. I know through my faith that no matter how big the problem would seem, God will help you through it. When you least expect it, God helps you lift up the cross you are carrying and helps you carry it.

Personally, I have never known anyone that succeed at committing suicide. It sounds horrible to say it that way, but true. That said, I had a good friend in college that did try by taking all of the medicine she had in her dorm room, none of which would be fatal. She was going through a deep, dark time in reveling that a family member had abused her most of her life and she just didn't know how to deal with it anymore. So, she tried to end it. In reality, it was a cry for help. There was two of us that had find out and we took her to the emergency room. I remember sitting in the waiting room listening to her get sick as they tried to clear her system of all the drugs. It was horrible. It was also a cross that the two of us friends had to carry, we knew where she was and knew how much work she had in the days, weeks and months ahead but outside of one school official, no one knew. We had to lie to everyone on what was wrong; we just said she is sick. No, you can't see her. It was hard, really hard. I have had a couple of other friends either threaten or attempt it too.

Sadly, I get why she did what she did in that moment. While I have never tried to take my own life, there have been thoughts of it. Before anyone freaks out, it was a long time ago. It was after the assault in college. It became a war of he said, she said. Friends were pitted against friends. It was during that time that you truly learned who your friends were. I didn't know how to deal with it and didn't know where to turn. I remember the moment that I told my parents and remember my dad making a comment about if I lead him on or made him think I wanted to. Even my parents didn't get it. How could they? How could anyone. So I turned inside, shut down and tried to pretend as best I could that it didn't happen, that I could somehow forget. Then came the alcohol, a lot of alcohol. I honestly could tell you every bar special from Tuesday through Saturday. My friend and I were there with bells on week in and week out. My grades plunged and going to class, well I was lucky to make it. By the end of the semester, most of my teachers either suggest I fail the class and retake or just accept my grades were gone. My GPA that semester was a 1.9. I was mostly an A/B student up until that point.

I didn't go back home that summer and opted to stay in Hastings that summer. I did work, but not much. I got by on credit cards. The drinking continued. I didn't have a phone, cell phones really weren't around, so I was lucky to call my parents once a week. I lived in a basement apartment and spent the days staying in my dark dungeon. It was during that time that I considered ending my own life. I didn't think that anyone would miss me and life wasn't what I wanted to be. I didn't deal well with what had happened and didn't ask for help.

I really don't know what the turning point was but things slowly got better. There was still setbacks along the way and tough conversations that had to be had. My parents had no idea how bad my grades were that spring semester and really learned when I had to tell them I couldn't play softball in the fall because I was Academically Ineligible. Even when I went through things with the Ex, ending it never really crossed my mind. I had learned that I was strong and I would get through this. This too shall pass. At my parents urging, I did see a counselor after things with my Ex. She was tremendous and helped me deal with not only my Ex but all the previous things as well. She was a life saver to a certain degree. I deal with things so much more differently now. I still make an appointment to see her from time to time just to "re-center" myself.

Because it is so clear...I am in the back, grey sweatshirt with the stocking cap over the eyes.

Day 04 - Your views on religion

FINALLY, an easy one!

I grew up in a Catholic family. My mom converted to Catholic when she married my dad and going to Church every Sunday was how we were raised. CCD classes were attended every Wednesday night by both of my older brother and I. When we reached the 9th grade, both of us made the switch from public schools to the Catholic High School in town. My little brother went to the Catholic schools from K - 8.

I can't imagine what life would have been like without my faith. It was in everything we did. Weddings, funerals, and baptisms it has always been there. I think that Faith has what got our family through some of the most difficult times with unexpected loss of my Uncle and the early loss of my little cousin. I know that some day, when it is my time, I will be reunited with them in Heaven.

Our family has always had some pretty awesome traditions that revolved around the Church as well.  When we would visit Grandma Schmidt, she lived right across the street from the Catholic Church so her house was often a gathering point before and after Church.  My favorite tradition was always Midnight Mass for Christmas Service.  Usually it was 10 pm when people started gathering at Grandma's.  Then at 11:15ish, we headed across the street to listen to the Choir.  Afterwards, everyone would go back to Grandma's and we would enjoy, cheese, wine and a lot of munchies until 3 am or later.  That is probably the one tradition I miss most during the Holidays!

When the going gets tough, I pray. When Finnegan was really sick, I went home that night and I prayed the Rosary. Prayed that God would make my decision with him clear, that he will guide me to do what is best for not only Finn but for my future as well.

While I struggle at times with some of the Church’s teachings, I know that without the Church, my life would not be whole. Some of the things are trivial and some are not. Catholics believe you have to go to confession to ask God for forgiveness. I have never fully understood why I have to go in this little box and tell a Priest what I did wrong and ask for forgiveness or risk going to hell. I believe that I can pray to God and ask for forgiveness without going to Confession. Of course, saying that, anytime I have had a major surgery, I find myself back in the confessional "just in case". I sometimes struggle with other teachings and wonder if that is really how Jesus would want them or if that is how the Church interrupted his actions?

I still go to Church. While I struggle to make it every week, I do try and make sure I am going at least once a month or more. It is hard working 7 days a week, 60 hours a week and then adding that time in there as well. In Texas, for whatever reason, you don't get out in an hour. Most weeks it is at least 75 minutes if not 90. But, I did find comfort in going so I am trying to get back in that routine!

This is my angelic picture of me as a Miniature Bride.  My grandma made my dress.  My hair was down to my waist at the time and I can tell you I remember spending a LONG time looking down because some how they french braided it all in!  The dress was then modified (again by my awesome grandma) into my First Communion Dress.

Day 03 - Your views on drugs and alcohol

Wow, another tough one! You would think this one would be easy for a person. I actually started this yesterday and never got to finish, it left that much thought to be had.


Views on drugs? Never tried any, I have been around them but I know they are not for me. I have seen the impact that they have had on different individuals lives and nothing good has ever come from it! Now that said, there definitely has been some of those "prescribed" drugs in my past with all the knee surgeries and back surgery. Honestly, after taking some of those, I get why people can get hooked. I think the best one I had was one I had after my back surgery. I felt no pain and really probably one would describe it as a "high" feeling. But, as the recoveries progressed, those drugs disappeared from my life.

Views on alcohol? Wow, it isn't until you stop and think about alcohol, the role it has played in your life that one wonders, is it really worth it? I grew up around alcohol. My dad's side of the family it was part of every family function. My mom's side, not so much. It was ground breaking news when my maternal grandma started putting beer in the fridge for my dad, where as my other grandma had a glass of wine every day. I honestly don't think any one of us cousins on my father's side made it to 18 before we had our first taste of alcohol. Heck, we might not of made it out of diapers before we had our first taste, it is cute you know to see that terrible face a baby makes when they have beer on their lips. Of course, I see what that life can bring to a family because of being on the outside looking in. Alcoholism existed in that family and still does. My dad, fortunately hardly drinks any more. But, when he does he thinks that he can hang like he did in the day or with the young ones and we are left with the wrath of his mood the next day.

As for me, alcohol is still there and while I do still enjoy it, I rarely drink it, especially to the extent I use to. In reality, if you look at the most devastating points in my life, alcohol was there front and center. There was college, when I lost my virginity to a sexual assault. Would I have made the choices that night that I did had I been drinking? No, probably not. Can I change that? Nope.

Then there was the Ex. I lived with the devastating effects of alcohol addiction every day. While he was not the typical alcoholic that drank every day, he was one none the less and when it was in his cycle of drinking, look out. I thought I could live with it, manage it and change him. But in reality, it was me that needed to change and leave my life dependent upon it. The last day we were together, I came back to my apartment to find him there and passed out. I must have surprised him but I took a beating of a lifetime that day. I remember having blood and not know where it was coming from and the scrapes on the way. Ultimately it was just scratches that would heal, bumps and bruises that felt like you had been in a car wreck but a lot of damage was done on the inside.

Today, those days with him still shape my life. It always will. If I could go back and change it, I would, but I can't. I just know that at the end of the day I never wanted my parents to get that devastating call that I was severely hurt or worse, dead. If I stayed, it would have happened. Even sadder is that he never remembered any of it.

So today, I would say I am cautious with alcohol. If you want me to pound drinks with you and try to force me into it, it won't happen. I have to feel 100% trust in the situation that I am, the people that I am with to drink to the point of being intoxicated. I will enjoy a drink or two with you but heading out on the town and pounding drinks until no tomorrow, probably isn't in my future. So, if I decline an invitation to go out, don't be sad or take it personally, I do want to spend time with you! However, given my past, that type of night isn't one that I would enjoy. If I do go, know that I go with a 100% trust in my heart that you will protect me and I pray you don't let me down!

Cheers to you!

Day 2: Where you'd like to be in 10 years

This question reminds me of the standard question that comes in interviews, the one that they fish for the perfect answer of, still working for this company.  LOL

I honestly don't have a true answer, it can't be answered.  That said, I know of  things that I want to accomplish in life, but will they happen in the next ten years? I don't know.  But what I do know is that things happen, life happens in its own time, when the time is right and when it should, they will happen. 

Look at the past five years of my life.  Heck, if you asked me 5 years ago where I would be today - I assure you that living in Texas would not of even been in my vocabulary.  5 years ago I was at the same company for 7 years, had my own softball club with 5 teams, was a Varsity High School coach, had a great core group of friends, was dating a guy I felt was a great guy, I appeared to have it all.  But life happens.  Under the umbrella of Love, I moved with the  Ex to Texas, moved three times, found a job I liked, SURVIVED and exited a relationship that was very abusive, made & continue to make great friends and bought a house. 

So, with that said, some of the things that I want to see happen in my life are (in no particular order):
1.  Find the one, get married
2.  Have a family.  If I end up solo, I will seriously consider foster/adoption around 40.
3.  Be debt free!! (Hopefully outside of school loans & my house, this will happens in the next two years!)
4.  Work just one job! (Again - 2 years worst case scenario!)

With all that said, I live life to the fulliest and realize that today is a gift from God.  He works his magic in his own time and while his time line doesn't always match up with my time line, I know that with Patience and Prayer, things do work out in the end in the way that is best for me!

Day 1 - Your Current Relationship

Day 1 - Your current relationship, if single discuss how single life is.

Dear God, why would this question be the first one?  I loathe the single life.  There, I said it.  I hate every moment of it.  It never use to bother me.  Maybe it is the biological clock factor?  Maybe it is the fact that almost all my friends are married and/or have kids and I have none of the above.

I don't know why it bothers me so much.  For so much of my life I was free, independent and loving life just the way it was.  Then, there was the EX.  Now, we know at the end of the day, that relationship was 0% healthy for me and no way it was going to work.  But, there were good days and for a good period there was more good than there was bad.  It was the first very serious relationship I had and the first guy that I ever lived with.  There were so many things that just were during those good times that I miss.

Having someone to go home to.  That best friend you can tell anything to that is there just for you.  That person that just knows when you need a hug and you don't even need to ask for it.  Someone to cook for and share dinner with.  Someone that checks in with you every day just to wanting to know how your day is.
Being single, all of those things are missing.  Today, or at least the last five guys I have dated or have shown interest in are concerned with one thing....SEX.  They don't want a relationship, they just want no strings attached, booty call sex.  I just hope that after waiting all of these years, the chance at finding the one hasn't slipped through and the time has passed.

A Fun Challenge

So my faithful friend Runner started this challenge on her blog and since I never finished the last one, I thought why not.  It definitely is a lot different than the other one I started and I think makes one dig a little deeper than the other one did, it definitely leaves me vulnerable!

The plan is to stop back later today with Day 1. 

Just what the doctor ordered....

Some much needed R&R.  I gave myself a mini-vacation, wasn't necessarily a "stay" vacation, but it was a nice one in which I didn't leave to travel back to Nebraska which is how 90% of the vacations go.

So, the stay vacation started Wednesday night.  I was granted an early leave at 10 pm from Lowe's.  Okay - it was a 1/2 hour early - but yeah! me!

Thursday was actually an exhausting day.  I met my friend Skinny-Biotch at the gym.  Yes, I said the nasty three letter word - GYM.  I haven't blogged about Skinny-Biotch before but she is a partner in crime at Lowe's.  Actually reminds me of myself in that she is early 30s, just bought her first house, and is holding her own in life without help!  Of course, I call her the Biotch  only because I was so afraid of her when she first came to our store, she seemed so mean.  :)  But now she is helping my inner skinny-bitch come out and making me be accountable at the gym.

After the gym workout and tour, I headed home for a quick shower.  I was suppose to meet Vanilla Horndog for lunch just to catch up.  It is funny because he was one of the guys that I posted back in my "Being" post.  He knows that unless his life changes, he and I will be friends and nothing more until he has time to date.  That said, he was on the north side of town this week for work and contacted me about meeting up just to catch up.  Needless to say that he got caught on a Sales Call and lunch was not to be had.  Of course, that is how things roll with Vanilla Horndog.  The rest of the day, was doing errands, oil change for the car, hair cut, dentist and finally hit the road for Houston at 8 pm to visit Big Country.

Friday, the most important and only agenda for the day....Da Beach!  Big Country & family, myself and some friends of theirs loaded up the vehicles and headed to Galvaston for the day.  Even Finnegus was invited to come!  A relaxing day was had playing in the surf, enjoying the sun and of course, nothing says beach like Captain Morgan. 

Saturday, as they say plans change and when they change to your favor, whose going to complain?  Not I.  We ended up spending the day chilling at Big Country's house, sitting poolside and enjoying some fine beverages.  In the pm, well it isn't a trip without Big Country whipping up something special and special it was.  Don't get me wrong, the ribs were delicious....but that mushroom puff, yummmy for my tummy!

Sunday, well it was Easter Sunday and church was on the agenda.  Rather than being different and finding a Catholic Church to go to, I opted to go to Church with Big Country, his family, my aunt and another cousin.  I am not sure what affiliation the church was, but when you grew up a structured Catholic, wow different is all that comes to mind.  I can see how it works for them but at the same time, I think I enjoy my structure.  The afternoon was spent with Easter Egg hunts and relaxing!  Unfortunately it also meant the end of my stay and it was time for Finnegus' and I to head back home.

Monday was my final partial vacation day!  I headed to the gym at 8, made the most of the day with a nap, some yard work and cleaning all before I headed into Lowe's at 5:30 to return to the normal grind.  However, what this vacation showed me was how much I need and want to be focused so Lowe's goes away!  I forgot what lawn mowers in a neighborhood sounded like on a Saturday morning because I am never there....how great will that be!?!?

Ahhh, yes I am also going to steal from Runner her 30 days of blogging project...so look out for that!