New Day

Why is it that when you have a rough day, go to bed early and you still wake up feeling like you never slept?  I was in bed early, finished reading a book and then turned out the lights early.  When the alarm went off at 5:15 for me to go running - it didn't happen and I shut it off.  If it hadn't been for Finn whinning to go out - I might still be in bed but instead - I was just late since it was 6:24 am when he was whinning.  Of course, I just feel tired and lethargic and of course am in no mood to put up with any crap from anyone.  Poor guy - don't call and bitch at me for the first 5 minutes and expect attitude back.  My favorite was when he told me not to treat him like a 3rd Grader but then procceeds to say "What Next?" when it prompts him for his name and email address.  Wasn't it in the 1st grade when they taught us to write our name next to the Name:                 ?

I suppose there is hope for tomorrow.

Oooopsss

I was doing so good on blogging and then, well, I guess I just fell of the planet.  

Oh it has been such a mixed bag of emotions these days and sometimes I just wish I could curl up in a ball and just wake back up when life was normal again.  That things were easy, carefree and I had it all.  Sometimes, on the outside I know I look like I have it all together, but on the inside I feel like it is all falling apart and I wish I could undo things.  Where do I even begin to tell the story at?  It is going to be a long one so grab your coffee because you just might need it.

Work, that thing that you have to do every day, that you should spend half of your waking hours at, that place you should love to go to.  I know that if you asked me a couple of years ago, while some things weren't perfect, I loved my job and loved what I do.  Today, I just feel like it is another anchor around my ankles.  My boss and I butt heads to the 10th degree on everything.  The favoritism was so unbelievable before I went on vacation it was insane.  Never mind him going postal on me because my dog needed an emergency vet appointment and I wouldn't be in the office to cover phones while he was in a meeting.  (It is important to note that the following day we both were in the same meeting and we would have the same coverage issues.)  Of course, it takes me  saying the discrimination in an email about treatment by him to his boss that makes things some what tolerable.  Funny how one word makes others take notice. Maybe part of it is me bringing it on myself and that what I do today does not require a college degree, it has changed so much from when I first started and it doesn't require any thought and just requires patience, something I lack at.  I won't even get into how I still make less today than I did when I left Nebraska in 2007.  I know I said I was okay with the pay cut and having a better boss, but I don't think I imagined it being 2011 and still making less than what I did four years ago.

Maybe it is Lowe's and just being burned out from working all the time.  But, I have to do it, I don't have a choice in the matter.  Without Lowe's, I couldn't pay the bills.  Unfortunately it is a necessary evil.  I have tried to make friends there but the drama that comes with it, it just isn't worth it.  Don't get me wrong, there are good people there but I always feel like I some how get sucked back into the drama of the others around them.  I wish I didn't have to work there, but I do and don't have a choice.  I need to be happy about going in to work instead of listening to people complain about things that go on there.  If I just go in, do my job and leave, I appear to be bitchy/snooty.  But, when you work seven days a week, where else can you make friends?  I have some at the other job and maybe I just need to make more of an effort there.  At least they tend to be drama free or if there is drama, it is a different kind.  

I miss my friends back home and the way things use to be.  Of course, I know that if I go back home, things won't be the same as they were.  It so hard to believe that when I moved here in 2007 on of my best friends and I were so close to being the in the same place.  Both were in relationships, both saw marriage in our future.  Today, how far apart we are....I am no closer to marriage than the day I went to college.  She on the other hand is married, happy has two beautiful kids and I don't hear from her because she has the "perfect" life.  

Sometimes I want to scream why me?  Why couldn't life be easy for me?  Why does God constantly throw things road blocks up at me?  I was a good kid in high school.  I got good grades, stayed out of trouble and I just don't know.  Sure I rebelled a bit when I got to college but I think we all did.  Then there was the sexual assault, I mean why did a bad choice on my part cause that to happen?  Didn't God know I was saving myself and that wasn't how I wanted to lose my virginity?  

Maybe that has jaded me.  Maybe that one event will define the rest of my life.  I hope not but look where I am.  As much as I have dealt with it, went to counseling on it, think I am over it, I still feel it haunts me and my relationships.  I grew up in a great family, with tons of love, support, kids and just a great sense of family values and there was nothing that I ever wanted more in life to have that.  Now, here I am 37 years old and watching the days pass on that that opportunity. The guys I meet are either only interested in sex or one of us isn't into the other.

I always think I am okay, that I just trudge along, people think I am rock strong and then it takes just little things to send me into a tail spin.  I have officially become the last one from my college softball team that has never been married and has no kids.  Me!  I just don't get how it ended up being me?  It sucks, 100%.  I know, you'll say you don't need a man to make you happy, they can bring problems, blah, blah blah.  Do this, for an entire week, go home to yourself every day and don't talk to anyone unless you call them.  Fix dinner for one.  Do all the cleaning.  Do all the laundry.  Yard Work.  Exercise.  It sucks! Now imagine doing that day in and day out for years.  

I know that when I came back from my vacation I was home sick.  Part of me didn't want to leave but part of me was ready to come back.  I love my family to death and love spending time with them.  I love spending time with my little man and am happy that my brother is so happy.  But then again, it sometimes feels like a dagger and a reminder of the perfect life.  So much has changed that I know if I moved back it wouldn't be the same.  My friends have all changed.  I have changed.  I can't get back what I had and can't go back in time.  Before anyone says just move back, it isn't possible.  I have a house now.  A house that lost all of the equity in it the past two years because prices continue to drop.  Now because of our lovely leaders, interest rates will go up and it would be even harder to sell.  No thank you.

Sometimes I just wish I could hit the backspace key and just do parts of life over again.  Would I go back all the way to college and undo that one night?  I don't know.  But sometimes I really wonder what life would of been had I just listened to my family and understand they only wanted the best for me when they pushed leaving the EX.  But I didn't.  I walked away from a job that paid well, from a softball organization I built, from a head varsity coaching job, from a great support system of family and friends all because I found love.  I wish I realized back then that love shouldn't come at the cost of all that and if it is real love, it wouldn't cost you anything, it enhances things.

I am sure come a day, a week or a month from now, I wish I could do the back space key on this post.  But it is how I feel today.  I don't have it all together right now.  My puzzle is all jumbled up and nothing seems to fit.  I know that in the days and weeks to come, the pieces will start coming together but today I just can't see how it is going to work.  I am tired.  I am tired of trying my hardiest and working my tail off and feeling like I just am not getting anywhere.  I am tired of feeling like I have to give up this or that just so I can save enough money for tires for my car or someone to put ceiling fans in my house.  I just need life and God to give me a break for a long time!

And friends, when I don't come running to help with your personal problems, please don't be mad!  I just need a break from being the rock, the go to person for advise for awhile.  I need a rock to stabilize me for a change.  I need to time to figure out me and not seeking out the approval of people in unhealthy ways.  I just need to "re"rock myself.

That's all for today.

Blogging Project - Day 17

Highs & Lows of This Past Year

Funny how this one just happens to fall or at least I get to, right after the drama of Monday. However, at the end of the day, really Monday's drama didn't bother me. Based upon Facebook, I gathered that some people thought I questioned the fact that I was 37, single and no kids. In reality, I don't. Does it bother me some days? Absolutely! Does it define me? Not really. I know that with my history in life, the fact that I stand before you today, right where I am, that is a HUGE win for me. Most would of crumbed and gave up on life a long time ago. I am sure like the rest of the individuals out there, there are going to be good days and there are going to be bad days, but I will get through them. God's plan in there and everything will fall into place when the time is right.

 

So my highs for the past year, I would probably say there are two. First is Maddox. I mean - how can you not LOVE this guy? He is a doll and I can't wait to see him in a few weeks. I hope he still knows who Auntie Jenn is; it has been forever since I have Skyped with them. Then again, he probably wouldn't sit still for it anyway. The other high for me was having all the company at Thanksgiving time at my house. It probably doesn't seem like a big deal to have your parents and brother's family visit, but it was huge for me. It was the first trip that my brother made and hope that I don't have to wait another 3 years for it. It is hard when you move so far away from family and friends. Everyone wants to know when you are coming home and going to see them, but very few have made plans to see me. I am forever grateful to the ones that have come to visit, even multiple times! I can attest that that route from Nebraska to Texas flows both directions. It is hard to hear about how great of vacations everyone takes but then I don't think they realize that in order to honor their request to come see them, it requires me to use my vacation time to go to Nebraska - not some place new that I want to see. I digress - sorry.

I think my biggest low this past year has just been my job. When I started here 4 years ago, I was so happy and loved what I was doing. I was in a proactive position versus reacting. I didn't get someone complain or whining on a daily basis. I won't get into the people that are upset and just plain rude. It wears on a person after awhile and I know that it impacts how I do my job. I was warned about the good 'ole boys club before I moved down here and while I wanted to believe it didn't exist, it has shown its ugly head more and more this past year. I mean, in one week I closed 66 tickets of the teams 73. You do the math. But then, when I assign a ticket to someone because they choose to ignore it for a hour before anyone came in, we get yelled at. Whatever. I am so over this job and ready to move on. I want something that challenges me and not a job that someone with a high school degree could do. Or one where one person does 75% of the work and the rest get promoted and raises because they are in the "guys club".

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I was blessed last night in that it was a "quiet" night. I left work a little bit early so I could run the Soda tabs over to the Ronald McDonald house from work. I love visiting this place and really hope that one day I can do more volunteering there, it is such a great cause. I got home and caught up on Y&R. I had told myself that I wasn't going to watch it to the weekend but I was so exhausted with all the drama from the day before and the weekend, I just needed couch time! I finally headed out for a run around 8:15 with the dogs, when it had finally "cooled" off. I think it was in the low 90s at that point. I do believe that I will freeze when I get to Nebraska in a few weeks. I mean, this morning it was 81 at 7 am. I don't know if the high is that there. LOL. The good news is that I just barely missed my 11 minute mile! So, hopefully tomorrow I can hit that. I was going to try and run this morning but the snooze guy one out! Have a great Wednesday!

Blogging Project - Day 16

Bullet Your Whole Day

5:30 am - First Alarm goes off trying to coax me out of bed.6:05 am - Finally made it out of bed. (Yes - I am not a morning person)
6:55 am - Out the door and on the way to work

7:25 am - Stop at the grocery store for fruit & lunch (I didn't make it to the grocery store this weekend & have I mentioned I LOVE summer traffic?)

7:40 am - First Diet Coke and the work day begins!

8:45 am - I take a break

11:30 am - Enjoyed a Lean Cuisine for lunch.

12:15 pm - Spent 45 minutes teaching an 80(ish) man and his wife how to navigate their computer by using the minimize button and logging into the website.  I just remind myself that I am teaching my grandparents on these calls.

1:30 pm  - Everyone is back from lunch and I take my 1/2 hour lunch

3:00 pm - Had an interview for a new job here in the company.  Anything to get me out of an environment of where one person walks on water and can do nothing all day!

4:10 pm - Left NFP for the drive home

4:30 pm - Pit stop at Petco for dog food for the munchinkins

4:50 pm - Pulled into the driveway, gave the dogs some love, some food, changed clothes and then got the two settled on the back porch.  Since Finn's heat stroke, I put up the baby gate so they can't leave the back porch.  It gives them more room to stretch their legs than a crate but ensures Finn can't give himself heat stroke again.

5:25pm - Back out the door for Lowe's.  Pit stopped at McDs for a small bite to eat since I was running late.

5:45 pm - Clocked in at Lowe's

10:40 pm - Finally left Lowe's

11:10 pm - Crawled into bed and made the mistake of check FB and email and so ensued (former) friend drama.

12:30 pm - Finally Crashed

5:30 am - Alarm went off again

6:15 am - Finally got out of bed.  :)

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Life Drama - (HATE it)

So my (now former) friend I went camping with created drama like no other yesterday.  When we got back into town on Sunday - I was not feeling so hot and didn't want to do what I needed to do in her parents bathroom and hurried home.  I didn't get her the money for the camp ground but figured I would catch up with her and get it to her.  The total bill was $33 so not earth shattering.  I sent her a message last night about getting her the money - I pay up - that is what I am suppose to do. 

Well, fast forward to me coming home to find all of these rants on Facebook about her friends take advantage of a single mom and just use her, blah, blah, blah.  I just replied that I was sorry that failing to pay her $7 was me taking advantage of a single mom.  Needless to say - the drama that triggered was really sad. 

I was told "maybe you should examine yourself in the mirror being 37 single and no kids".  Hmmm, I own my own house, have two jobs, own my car and take care of me.  Of course, this is coming from someone who is 27, lives with her parents, has two kids, never been married, does not have a job, has no support from a baby daddy, government provides for her kids, she uses school loan money for going to school part time at night and to maintain her acrylic nails, pedicures and drinking and then complains when she is denied for more aide.  Hmmmm, I think i will keep my life and cut out the drama friend with messed up values.  To quote her "Work for things really....good to know you feel that way.  I've worked my ass off since the day I had my kids and have never asked nor taken money from anyone since."  You be the judge...I have my opinion.

Blogging Project - Day 15

My view on mainstream music

In reality - I love all music.  I'll listen to it all.  My iPod will even attest to that.  Probably the only difference today from a few years ago, is that I listen to less classical music.  In college, that was my choice to study to.  I take that back, it wasn't really a choice.  I couldn't study to quiet, couldn't study while watching tv, and if it was anything other than classical music, I found myself singing along and not really "reading" what I was suppose to.
 
There is some music that I do listen to in moderation, I just can't stand a ton of it.  Heavy metal and heavy rap.  Otherwise, it is all fair game.  At home, my bathroom radio is set to one of the current Country radion stations.  I think I have stuck with this one, more because they have a routine, they do things at certain times and honestly, I can tell if I am running ahead of schedule or behind schedule without even looking at the clock.  The station on the receiver in the living room is set to Top 40.  I have to have something fun to clean to!  The car, well it rotates.  Most mornings I am still half asleep on the way in and do not want to hear anyone talking!  I just want music and to be able to stay in sleep mode as long as possible!
 
 

This is one of my favorite pictures of me.  Of course thank you goes out to my cuz for creatively editing out my Ex.  :)

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I had a pretty awesome weekend!  Saturday morning I headed South to tube the Comal River with some friends.  It has turned into an annual trip that happens around a friends birthday!  Needless to say - there was a LOT of fun had and a lot of alcohol that was drank.  After spending the day on the river, we ended up camping up near Canyon Lake.  I wish we would of had more time up there because we set up shop after it was dark and it was beautiful to see in the morning.  Hopefully I will have some pictures that one can share soon.  Yesterday was a recovery day with some cleaning and yard work thrown in the mix.  Today - I am exhausted and feel like I never slept.  Ugggh....love Monday's.
 
But, the good news is that I only have two more Monday's and then VACATION.  So excited to just have time off!  Momma keeps asking me what my plans are and I just want to enjoy some down time!!  No alarms.  No meetings.  Just Maddox time, family time and friend time.  I don't care about the particulars, let's just enjoy it!

Blogging Project - Day 14

Your Favorite Tumblrs

Does anyone know what a Tumblr(s) is?  Not me. 

Wikipedia defines Tumblr as "is a microblogging platform that allows users to post text, images, videos, links, quotes and audio to their tumblelog, a short-form blog. Users can follow other users, or choose to make their tumblelog private. The service emphasizes ease of use.[5]" 

I guess it is another blogging site like blogspot.com.  What I can tell you is that I have never used it or realized that as of May 1, 2011, Tumblr included more than 5 billion total posts and over 17.5 million total blogs. 

So, if I assume Tumblrs means bloggers, than I would have to say that Runner is my favorite blogger.  However, I don't think she blogs much anymore.  I do read a few others as well.  One is about a ladies giant weight loss journey.  It is nice because they post reviews of videos, etc.  That blog is Lynn's Weigh.  There are a few others but none that I go to on a regular basis.

Enjoying the lake with friends.

Just a early glimps of the boats gathering.  Yes - that is my house on the hill. :)

Blogging Project - Day 13

Funny how life gets in the way sometimes.  Of course - I find in fun when my mom points out I haven't been blogging.  At least I know someone is reading it - right?

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Somewhere you'd like to move or visit

I find this one interesting because five years ago, I would of told you me moving would be from one apartment to another or to a house; never would it be to a new city or state.  But, I did take a leap and moved to Texas and while there will always be some doubt about the move based upon how things have worked out, I couldn't imagine not living here.  Is there a move in my future?  I don't have the answer to that question and it isn't something that I will ever rule out.  Life presents new opportunities at any time and sometimes you just need to take them and enjoy the ride.

As for where I would like to visit?  I honestly want to say that I have vacationed in all 50 states by the time that I die.  Will that happen?  I don't know.  I know there is plenty to see and do in the US that most take for granted.  It would not be appropriate to live life without camping in Yellowstone National Park!  I also know that I would like to visit some luxury vacation spots as well - I mean The Virigin Islands, Costa Rica, Australia - I'm not greedy.  Of course - we do have a tenative schedule to go to an all-inclusive resort in Mexico in order to celebrate my parents 40th Wedding Anniversary, my 40th Birthday and my brother's 5 year wedding anniversary.  It only means one thing people - start saving - you have 2 1/2 years before we party!!

But in reality - as much as I would like those vacation spots, in reality most of my vacation is spent with the important people in my life - my family & friends.  Maybe one of these days I can get my family to pick one of those vacation spots like camping in Yellowstone versus me driving back to Nebraska.  However, until that happens, I am perfectly content with a 12 hour drive to see my awesome peeps!

Auntie Jenn & Maddox on his first Birthday!

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Life Note - In reality just a lot of the same old, same old.  I had a fabulous memorial weekend!  The highlight was spending Monday at Lake Travis with some friends.  Of course, it didn't matter how much sunscreen one puts on when you spend four hours in the water - you still end up fried!  We were out on the water for 7 hours and you haven't seen anything until you see 100's of boats tying off to each other.

The big pieces I dug up!

This past weekend was spent "installing" my new purchase, a 10 foot Bradford Pear tree.  Let's just say one thing - this sucks in Texas.  Any digging requires at least an axe of some sort.  Apparently there is a bar of some sort that would of made life easier too.  In the end I don't recommend doing this when it is a 100 degrees out and you are digging through lime stone - it sucks.  But, if you didn't see the pics on facebook, here are the most important three:

My new tree & mound of dirt & rock!

Yup - this is me still smiling after it all!