Twas the day after Christmas

and all was quite through out Ma & Pa's house.  I have really been blessed this holiday season.  This year marks the first time since 2007 that I spent the holiday's with my family!  I forgot how much I missed all the traditions.  While some of them have stayed the same, some have changed. 

So, Christmas Eve included mom and I baking some of Grandma Meedel's yummy rolls and mom preparing the traditional Christmas Eve chili.  Kim, Maddox and Shane all came out to the house so we could attend 4 pm Mass at St. Michael's.  Unfortunately, Travis was stuck on a train some where and it did not appear he would make the Christmas Eve celebration.  I will say that my nephew did quite well for not being two and being in Church for two hours!  After Church it was back to the house for Chili and Grandma's rolls.  Shortly after supper, we received news of a Christmas miracle and that Travis' train had tied down in Waco and he would be at my parents house before 8 to open presents!  All of the Schmidt Kid's made Christmas!

On Christmas morning, mom, dad and I headed to Trav & Kim's to watch Maddox open his presents from Santa.  Kim's mom also joined us and then we had breakfast afterwards. It was definitely a blast watching Maddox opening all of his presents this year!  On Christmas eve, he quickly figured out that a lot of the gifts that had Sesame Street on the paper were his.  Of course, he also tried to share presents so everyone had some!  By Christmas day, it was not necessarily about what was in the package as much as opening it.  He would rip off the paper, open the box and then throw that box to the side not caring what was in it, just wanting to open something else. 

Christmas evening, everyone came back out to the Schmidt Casa for dinner and laughs!  I am definitely blessed to have such a wonderful family!

Merry Christmas to all!

The Schmidt Clan - December 2011

Going Illegal

I saw someone post this on Facebook and thought it was too good to pass up...


Becoming Illegal (Actual letter from an Iowa resident and sent to his senator)


The Honorable Tom Harkin
731 Hart Senate Office Building
Phone (202) 224 3254
Washington DC , 20510


Dear Senator Harkin ,

As a native Iowan and excellent customer of the Internal Revenue Service , I am writing to ask for your assistance. I have contacted the Department of Homeland Security in an effort to determine the process for becoming an illegal alien and they referred me to you..

My primary reason for wishing to change my status from U.S. Citizen to illegal alien stems from the bill which was recently passed by the Senate and for which you voted. If my understanding of this bill's provisions is accurate, as an illegal alien who has been in the United States for five years, all I need to do to become a citizen is to pay a $2,000 fine and income taxes for three of the last five years. I know a good deal when I see one and I am anxious to get the process started before everyone figures it out.

Simply put, those of us who have been here legally have had to pay taxes every year so I'm excited about the prospect of avoiding two years of taxes in return for paying a $2,000 fine. Is there any way that I can apply to be illegal retroactively? This would yield an excellent result for me and my family because we paid heavy taxes in 2004 and 2005.

Additionally, as an illegal alien I could begin using the local emergency room as my primary health care provider. Once I have stopped paying premiums for medical insurance, my accountant figures I could save almost $10,000 a year.

Another benefit in gaining illegal status would be that my daughter would receive preferential treatment relative to her law school applications , as well as 'in-state' tuition rates for many colleges throughout the United States for my son.

Lastly, I understand that illegal status would relieve me of the burden of renewing my driver's license and making those burdensome car insurance premiums .. This is very important to me given that I still have college age children driving my car.

If you would provide me with an outline of the process to become illegal (retroactively if possible) and copies of the necessary forms, I would be most appreciative. Thank you for your assistance.

Your Loyal Constituent, (hoping to reach 'illegal alien' status rather than just a bonafide citizen of the USA )

Donald Ruppert
Burlington , IA

Get your Forms (NOW)!!

Call your Internal Revenue Service at 1-800-289-1040 ..

Can I get a Whoop Whoop?

Well, I haven't been posting much on my weight loss journey more because it has resembed more of a weight loss roller coaster.  A week of down, followed by a week of big up, with a little down and so on.  Then there were in between weeks because of scheduling that I just didn't make it to a meeting. 

Two weeks ago was the last time that I managed to weigh in.  At that time, I knew that it was not good because the lady asked me if I wanted to take off any of my jewelry or my sweater.  Well, the sweater couldn't come off because it was attached to the shirt.  I knew it was not good and it didn't disappointing, 186.8, 0.8 lbs. higher than when I started Weight Watchers.

Well, all I can say is that being in a relationship must suit me okay.  I know that I don't eat as much these days because I am not hungry.  I also know that I don't eat out as much because usually either NoDIY or myself is cooking.  I also know I don't have mindless eating at night and on the weekends because I am not thinking about it and eat when I am hungry.  Genius concept, I know.

All of this has translated into success on the scale!  Now it is not the clearest picture but it still shows a weekly (well two week) weight loss of 6.4 lbs. and a net loss of 5.6 pounds!  Now this means that I should be receiving my 5 lb. star in the meeting but since traffic was terrible, there was only 10 minutes left of the meeting so I am waiting until next week to get it.

Now let's see if I can get that 5% goal, or 9 lbs. before I head back home for the holidays?!?  If you count my journey prior to Weight Watchers, so far I am at 10.6 lbs. lost!  Feel better and better every day!

A Season to be Thankful!

It is hard to believe that Thanksgiving has already come and gone this year.  Even more amazing is that working two jobs is over a month past.  I cannot imagine ever going back to working two jobs nor do I think I will ever take on that challenge!  I think I can find other things to occupy my time!

Life definitely has had some interesting and good changes on my end.  Part of me still has that apprehension that nags in the back of my mind but it is something that I am slowly working through.  I like to think of it as baby steps in having a healthy relationship for a change.  Yep, I said that word, relationship.

Now, I must put this disclaimer out there that we have not used the words boyfriend/girlfriend to describe our status.  However, it is probably pretty safe to say that it is more than just dating.  Since Halloween, NoDIY and I have been spending a lot of time together, or at least as much as works.  Right now he lives 30 miles south of me which means if there is ZERO traffic, it takes at least 30 minutes to get there.  But, since I have to pass through downtown, it is not very often that I have zero traffic opportunities.  So, that said, we don't really spend much time together during the work week and spend most of the time together on the weekends.

Okay, well maybe I should say that we spend the entire weekend together, or close to it.  It is either me going down to his place or him coming up to my house.  We actually were talking last night that about how easy it is to be around each other and not feel like we have to be someone else or if he is at my house, I don't have that feeling of hosting a guest there.  Of course the pups love him and I continue to joke with him that the dogs get more love than I do!

As for Thanksgiving in Austin, this year was different.  I have a test that I need to take for work that my annual bonus is tied to.  So, even though I LOVE my Houston family, I do like that money in the bank at year end and opted to stay in Austin so I could focus on studying.  I did spend the day at NoDIY's house after doing a few loads of laundry and getting a four mile run in.  We had a very non-traditional meal of steak, potatoes, chicken noodles and corn.  Don't get me wrong, I did miss the turkey and all the family traditions but sometimes change is good too!

So that is my goings on right now.  Life consists of work, studying, running, and a boy.  I don't think life is too bad!

Redneck VIP Dream

Yes, it was the VIP dream weekend.  I don't know if it was on my Bucket List originally but it is now and it is crossed off.  Last week one of my co-workers asked if I would go to Dallas with her this past weekend.  Pirate scored suite tickets to the Nationwide Series race on Saturday in Fort Worth through her Nationwide rep.  Unfortunate for Pirate's husband, he could not go and lucky me got to go instead!  Okay, well really I was the back up to the back up but who cares!

Pirate left work at noon that day so she could spend time with her family in Dallas.  I worked pretty close to a normal day, headed home to take care of the pups, finish packing and then met her at her cousins house.  It was a nice evening in which her aunts, uncles and cousins all got together for dinner and allowed me to join in.  We stayed up late, well 11, chatting with her cousins. 

As painful as it was, the alarm clock went off at 5 am Saturday.  We had to be out of the house so we could head towards Fort Worth from Waxachachie (I love names of towns in Texas), drop off my car at the hotel and get to the race track by 8 am.  We managed to make it happen!

Yes - we were royalty!  We had VIP Valet parking!  We had tickets to the Nationwide suite, provided with breakfast and a bunch of fun things, hats, blankets, etc from Nationwide.  After Breakfast, Kenny Wallace came to talk to our group.  We actually learned of the suspension of Kyle Busch right before it had been announced on ESPN.  After he was done, we took group pictures with him.  (I'm still waiting on those!).

We then went in groups down to the track.  We received behind the scenes tours of the Garages, Pit Row, Winners Circle and the Start/Finish Line.  I posted a bunch of pictures on Facebook and need to go back and explain what they all are.  I never realized that all racers have two cars brought to the track just in case something happens with their main car during qualifying.  When we were down on the Start/Finish line, it was right before the Nationwide race was going to start and they were introducing all of the drivers for that day before they took them on a lap around the track.  We were up close and personal with the drivers!  I was so close, as you can see in this picture,  that I even managed to give Danica Patrick a high five as she walked by!

After the introductions, we were escorted back up to the suite where we were provided lunch and was able to watch the race.  Let's just say that a Nascar race in person is just about as exciting as it is on TV.  Although, the Texas Motor Speedway is known to be a boring track because it is so big, the cars are spread out and there are not a lot of wrecks.  I will say that I did realize that the cars go a LOT faster than they appear on TV.  We were able to watch the Sprint Cup Drivers do their practice runs in the morning and it was crazy.  But, they were gone from the garages by the time I got to tour.  :(  And, these drivers are so short that I never realized how short they were.  Heck, with heels, I was taller than some of them and we know that is saying a lot.

If you ever get a chance to go, I suggest renting a pair of these sexy headphones.  Just it tunes out some of the noise but it also allows you to listen to the radio.  Basically you pick your car number and you can hear the radio conversations between the driver, the spotters and the pits.  Pretty awesome!  I'd say I rocked Redneck Sexy! 

Kinda Goolish

You know, I think that I could get use to this not working two jobs.  :) 

Really, it didn't hit me until yesterday that I don't have Lowe's to go to anymore.  The weekend felt just like, a weekend off from Lowe's.  Friday night, my roommate, RN, and I went costume shopping.  Well, apparently either the costumes got smaller when they shipped or they are still using the sizing from 20 years ago because a 10-14 which should fit me, well was way crazy tight.  So, I became the plus-size girl costume.  :)  The Risky Ref.

Now Saturday, it is crazy amazing the things one can do without working at Lowe's and then just being tired from working all the time!  My Lowe's Saturday usually consisted of me working 7 - 2 and then going home and taking a nap for an hour or two, then trying to cram everything else into the night.

Well, not this week.  I managed to sleep in.  Got up, took the Grey Speed Racer in to get the oil changed and washed.  Of course, they also pointed out that I should have my brake fluid replaced since I had never had it done and it has 60,000 miles.  So, I put up the dough for that.  After that, I ran a few errands and then went and exchanged RN's shoes and found some shoes for me for the party.  Was a little late getting home so utilized the DVR to catch up on my Husker game.  They were awesome!  After that, it was time to get down to some cleaning, complete with a hands & knees scrub the floor kind of cleaning.  After that, I took the dogs for a run, then hit the gas station & liquor store and it was finally time to get ready for the party.  (Anyone else tired - cause I should of been!)

NoDIY and I have been texted back and forth a lot lately.  No idea what prompted it, but it has been happening.  Anyway, he was having a Halloween Party and invited me to go. RN decided she would go to and so, after she got off work, we headed south.  I think probably my most awkward moment of the night was when we got there and were told everyone was outside.  Of course, we walk out the door to realize there were two girls there and then us two and of course, the deck was covered with all guys.  It was just weird to walk out and have everyone staring and not really seeing faces to know where NoDIY was in the crowd. 

But, in the end, it was a really fun night.  Julie left early because she had a 12 hour shift the next day.  I, on the other hand, did not make it out until noon the next day.  Heehee.  I think it was midnight when we all opted to go to the bar and then went back to NoDIY's house and had more drinks and of course, he had out of control friend drama break out.  Some of which was the first I had ever seen and hope I don't witness that again.  Then, since he is at least 40 minutes south of my house, I did the responsable thing and didn't drive home.

RN is on the far left, NoDIY in the middle and myself on the far right

Of course, every fun time should end with the flu.  After spending half the day thinking it was a hangover, I realized by 6 pm it was the stomach flu.  When you can't even keep toast or liquids down, it is more than a hangover!  Yesterday I managed to keep food down but my stomach still hated me.  Never mind the dehydration headache I still had going and the fact I am still battling the allergies and trying to avoid getting a sinus infection.  Can you say Train Wreck?  Oh, and I should mention that one of the dogs has this flu stuff too, so even when I think I am getting better, I have come home to a lovely mess that makes me sick all over again.

A New Doctor For the New Doctor

That is what I need.  I don't like the new doctor's new message, so the logical solution is find a new doctor, right?

So, this all started back in September when I got the news that my fasting blood sugar was higher than the normal range.  (I covered the call in That Day.)  Well, I trust my female doctor 110%.  He is the one doctor that I have seen from the beginning of living in Austin.  So, I trust his recommendation compared with the other doctors I have visited with off and on for colds since moving here.

Well, today was the day that I visited the new doctor.  Don't get me wrong, she is a really nice lady.  However, have you ever gone into an appointment thinking you know how it is going to turn out and then live in total denial when the answers were so not what you were thinking?  That they have to be off their rocker and refuse to change?  That there was me.

So, the message?  While I have not officially been diagnosed with Diabetes, my life needs to change.  I need to start living like I have Diabetes, starting now and in the end, by living like I have it, I may be able to avoid being diagnosed as having. Let's be clear, Dr. Bartos is NOT kidding around on this!  I had to make an appointment for three months out in which I have to go in and she will check my progress.  Let's not kid ourselves either, this is not a two appointment deal with her.  No, I have to go in to see her every three months for the next year.  WTF!  Really?  I mean, I have to sacrifice my doughnuts for breakfast?  No more snacks from the vending machine (cause I know they are not diabetes friendly)?  How does a diabetic survive the monthly chocolate attacks?

I know, it's my life we are talking about.  I realize that while I am not at my heaviest weight, I am still 50 lbs heavier than high school and 40 lbs heavier than my best in shape college body.  I know that given my Grammy and Mom are Type 2 diabetics and my Uncle and little brother are Type 1 diabetics the odds are in my favor.  Anyone that knows my mom, Grammy and little brother would look at them and say they do not fit the mold for someone that is a diabetic.  Yep, those are my genes that I inherited. 

I had a long talk with my mom tonight about it all.  Obviously making the right choices is something that I was raised around but never really had to think about them. My mom has been around the block a few times with diabetes, she agreed with what Dr. Bartos was saying and her approach.  Momma knows best and reminded me that if I follow Weight Watchers like I should be, I will be living like a diabetic. 

So tomorrow begins the change of Part III of my healthy life.  (Part I was free for all and Part II was living limited-Lactose diet.)  Tomorrow beings a new journey living like I am a diabetic in the hopes that I do not have to hear that I am Diabetic and rendered to a life of pin pricks, medication and trying to control my levels.  I know that I am going to make mistakes along the way as I learn to make better choices.  I know that I am going to have failures and successes when I am with friends and in social settings.  But, I also realize that I am going to lose weight along the way and will be living a healthier life. 

So, here is to Dr. Bartos seeing a little less of me in three months and an A1C number that declares I am not diabetic!

Back in the right direction

Well last week I failed to blog about my Weight Watcher's update.  I don't know if it was a "forgot", so much as didn't wanted to admit.  It wasn't pretty.  I was up.  I realized I can't have a free for all weekend and still hope that the rest of the week makes up for it.  Apparently it doesn't work that way. 

This week I did better.  I still need to focus on journaling.  I know that if I get that process going, the rest will really start going.  I also started my Couch to 5K again.  I am on Week 1, Day 3 now, so not far into it, but starting. 

My day yesterday was exhausting and posted as much on Facebook last night.  Here it was:
6:55 am - Left the house for work
7:00 am - Stopped at the gas station
7:40 am - Stopped at the grocery store for a few staples
7:45 am - Got to work
11:30 am - Took a friend to the Urgent Care center (fingers & blenders did not mix well, even if it is a protein shake)
12:45 pm - Back at it
4:30 pm - Left office and changed into work out clothes.
5:20 pm - Got to WW meeting center.  Took off for my 1/2 hour run
5:50 pm - Weighed in and went to the meeting
6:40 pm - Headed home with a stop at Petco for dog food
7:05 pm - Got home, made supper for me and watched bits of The Biggest Loser
8:00 pm - Back out the door for softball
9:40 pm - Returned home and took the dogs on a 20 minute walk

Hmmmm - I wonder why I am tired all the time.  But - I do enjoying playing softball twice a week again and actually am liking the Tuesday night league better.  It is a much more competitive team!

Oh yeah - better share my success from yesterday:

Junior High

So I determined yesterday that when I go to work at Lowe's, I am transported back in time to Junior High.  Or at least that is the age level of some of the full time associates that work there.

I hadn't seen or worked with SkinnyBiotch since the fall out previously blogged about.  The Sunday after the blowout, Eye Candy came over to talk.  Well, it was clear from our conversation that SkinnyBiotch filled him in on everything, that I was upset with her for not telling me and that she had unfriended me on Facebook. He was upset that a friendship was ending and begged me to fix it.  He explained to me why he hadn't told me and I got that.  He told me that I was the older of the two and that I needed to fix it.  In my mind, it was what it was, a difference of opinion and I wouldn't treat her any different that I had previously.

Fast forward a week to yesterday.  It was the first day that I had seen SkinnyBiotch since the fall out and the chat with Eye Candy.  Well, it went exactly like I expected to, immaturity on the part of the SkinnyBiotch.  Ironically, she was always professing how she kept secrets, blah, blah, blah.  Well, we know it isn't true because Eye Candy wouldn't of know about the fall out if that was the case. 

Well, when I saw her, I said, "Hey girl, what's up".  Of course, I don't even know if I got a grunt out of her but she looked the other way and walked off like we were in Junior High.  I wonder if she really thought she was hurting my feelings?  To me, it just reaffirmed the type of person that she is. 

However, you would think the story ends there, because she doesn't gossip and tell other people's business, right?!?  WRONG.  Apparently she is filling in other little clicky worker bees on the story, which I don't know how she can tell the story without filling in the background of me and Eye Candy, but now these clicky friends will not speak to me and are unfriending me on Facebook.

Can we say, Junior High?  Of course, the ironic piece of it all is that Eye Candy and I are still good friends.

I think this picture summarizes what is left of this story and anything I have left to say about SkinnyBiotch.

I Can't

This word to me has always been the worst word to me, worse than swearing.  It means failure.  It means you quit trying.  It means you never will because you have told yourself you won't.  My softball kids would run extra just for saying it.

Today, I say it.

I can't do it with Vanilla Horndog.  I can't say it is okay that we date and he dates other people.  I can't do it.  Yesterday I saw that he was online on the dating site that me met on.  I know, it meant I was online too.  But it was in that moment that all the doubts and insecurities came creeping back in.  The feelings came back of what it felt like the day I found out he was in a relationship with someone else when two days earlier he was wanting to get together. 

Then I went home and trolled on Facebook.  It is amazing how much you can learn about a person doing that.  People really should learn to lock accounts down.  Then again, only after I get what I needed.  In trolling, I found out how involved she was in VHD's life and how much I wasn't.  I found out how she did Thanksgiving with his family, where I never have met his daughters.  It has stung like no other.

And I realized I can't.  Knowing he is on the dating site and meeting new girls, I can't sit around and wait for the day to come that once again, I'm not good enough and he wants a relationship with someone else. 

I have told him as much.  He called twice last night and I just couldn't talk to him or about it.  I can't.  I sent him a text that I couldn't talk about it.  I told him I care too much for someone that doesn't feel the same.  I deserve to be part of someone's whole life and not a snip it.  I am too insecure to know that one day he makes me feel so special and the next he could be on a date with another.  I need off the emotional roller coaster I create in my life when it comes to him.  I need space and time.

He called again this morning.  Apparently my words are lost on him.  I ignored the call.  He sent me a message, 'Call me NOW'.  Fortunately I was on a conference call and told him I couldn't with the question why?  I got a 'What is wrong with you'?  Why does something have to be wrong when I can't share? 

I called him back and got the same question, 'What is wrong with you?'.  I told him I just couldn't do it.  He was like, we talked about it and you said you could.  I just want to say that knowing she is good enough to spend Thanksgiving with your family when you are "not" in a relationship means that I am not good enough period, but I didn't.  I just told him I can't, I changed my mind. 

He was going into a meeting and said he would call back.  Something tells me he will but I just don't know if I can answer it.  My feelings have been put out there.  I can't make him decide to date just me, but I can decide that I deserve more in life than to just be a one of many for Vanilla Horndog.

So, today I can't.  Yesterday I couldn't.  Tomorrow doesn't look good either.  It hurts but I can't do it anymore.  What do they say, if you love something let it go, if it comes back, it was yours, if it doesn't, it never was?

I'll close with a quote from Marilyn Monroe:
I believe that everything happens for a reason. People change so you can learn to let go. Things go wrong so you can appreciate them when they're right. You believe lies so you eventually learn to trust no one but yourself. And sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together.

Jaded

So I should that the bright side of the story to come is that so far I have managed to avoid my stress eating and will not cave to it. It isn't worth it.


I called Runner yesterday because I knew that if I blogged about it, she would of been the only one to respond on what her thoughts were. But then, after the full ramification of everything set in, I was just in shock and had to blog about it. My momma says I am wrong, Runner says I am right. Whatever the answer is, in the end I have learned that they probably really weren't a friend at all.

It's Lowe's drama. I hate it and have decided that working there or not, I am done with that drama and being friends with anyone there. They better be darn special or I am out. There was a group of five that like to refer to themselves as the "Wolfe Pack", think The Hangover. Now, individually I am friends with all them, probably closer to two of them than the other three. However, I was NOT part of the Wolfe Pack and it was always made clear. I was told on more than one occasion by The Skinny Biotch that I just don't understand that they have been through so much together. In any event, they would do things together, for example travel to San Antonio for dinner & partying, that was Wolfe Pack only. Basically, if you weren't part of the five, you were excluded.

I have always felt that I had things in common with Skinny Biotch. She was single, just bought her first house, similar in age, etc. Anyway, I helped her all the time. Helped her move, mowed & loaned my lawn mower when she first got her house and didn't have one, hauled things in my car for her to her house. Friends do that. We would go out to dinner. If she had a bad day, I would invite her over after work for dinner. I thought we were friends.

Then there is the guy that I will call Eye Candy who is also part of the Wolfe Pack. Heaven knows that he is eye candy but is a completely down to earth guy. There is a certain attraction factor there and he reminds me a lot of guys that I have dated. However, he is over 10 years my younger and because of that I would never date him because I would never see it working out. I have joined him and his family for pick up softball games before. Well, over time, let's just say that it was more than just friends, friends with benefits I think they call it. It was one of those things that just happened and I knew it would it ever go any farther than were it was, in my head we would never "date".


So, the inter-twine comes in that Skinny Biotch considered Eye Candy a brother. They had been involved for a time, which I didn't know when I first got together with Eye Candy. But, she was fully aware of what was going on between Eye Candy and I.

I truly love how Facebook has become the new medium to "announce" things. Yesterday Eye Candy posted some new pictures of an adorable little girl. Well, apparently in all of our time around each other, he failed to mention that he was going to be a dad. Is he with the baby momma? I don't know, if he is I know he hasn't been faithful. I was caught off guard by it but after talking to him, understood that he wanted to tell his family first and that we were friends that just had the extra.

Well, I sent a text to Skinny Biotch to see if she had talked to him lately? She asked what was up and I told her that he is a dad. Her response was "Yeah, I have known for awhile. I am happy that he is happy. I'm glad you finally know." WTF?!?!?! That I finally know?

Okay, maybe I am missing something but to me this breaks friend code. If you know your girlfriend has been shagging with a guy and learns he is going to be a dad, you inform your girlfriend of this, right?!? I mean, I get that he wasn't telling people and she is friends with him but shouldn't she of at least filled me in so I wasn't shagging with him?

My stance is that if it was my friend, I would of had respect for my girlfriend and both friendships to tell the girlfriend and respect that she would keep it quiet and put an end to things. However, Skinny Biotch's stance is that she was told something in secret and it needs to be kept that way. Well, because I even questioned her about it and why she didn't tell me, I was informed that I completely insulted her, she was NOT coming to my house Saturday for the football party and got home last night to learn that we are also no longer friends on Facebook, her doing.

Looking back, I just laugh at it. It is petty drama and I still will stand that if the shoe were reversed, I would have said something. Maybe it is fucked up in my brain because I am not mad that Eye Candy didn't tell me right away but feel that Skinny Biotch should of.  But, in the end it doesn't matter.  Skinny Biotch made it clear friendship she liked better and obviously it wasn't mine when she ended our friendship. 

It is probably wrong for me to say, but I just don't care.  Maybe I am jaded.  However, I have been through so much shit in my life that I have to have people in my life that have my back.  If you can't support me and help me through it or even get why I might be upset by something, then I don't want you in my life.  I'm jaded.

It's a start

Well, I will be the first to admit that after my melt down Thursday, I spent the next three days in 100% shut down mode to be followed with a semi-on plan day and an on plan day.  Obviously those things do not bode well for a great first week of falling Weight Watchers, but it did stick for me, or some of it did.

I know, it amounts to a Duck Fart, but it was at least a fart in the right direction and it is a process of going down.  I know that I didn't gain all of this weight overnight, so losing it all overnight is going to be impossible.  On the positive side, this past week I have really focused on trying to go to bed earlier.  Normally you would of found me awake anywhere from 11 - 11:30 pm and the alarm goes off at 5:45 am.  Can you guess why I drag myself out of bed?  So, I am really focusing on trying to be in bed, lights off by 10:30 at the latest.  Last week I had a few nights were I was in bed before 9:30 pm reading and out by 10:00 pm.  My goal is to get in a regular sleep schedule so I can maybe start getting a run in before work.  Crazy concept, I know. 

For other news, there are changes coming to Casa de Schmidt.  On Monday, I will be getting a roommate.  She is moving to Austin from Dallas for her new job.  She is an RN that is about my age and her primary schedule is Saturday & Sunday, so for some degree we will be ships passing in the night.  I think we will get along well and hope this one works out for me.  Thankfully it happens to be a weekend off from Lowe's for me so I can prep the house and that room! 

Later Gators!  (Did I mention she is a Gators fan?)

Housekeeping, I bring you fresh towel?

Jennifer?
I fluff your pillow?
Jennifer, is that you?
Yes, Grammy it's me.

It was always the practical joke that I played on her when she called mom & dad's house.  She would always giggle.  Yesterday marked 4 years ago that she left this world and joined the other.  It some ways it seems so long ago and other ways, it just seems like yesterday.  She was a strong woman who taught me so much and in some ways feels like her life was cut too short, even though she was 88.  I have a feeling that tonight she is enjoying time with her sisters playing some scrabble and giggling at something funny.

This is a picture from the last time I saw my grandma.  Mom, dad and I went to visit her for the day and of course we had to go to lunch at her favorite place, Applebee's. 

So today, I remember her with tears of joy and not tears of loss.  I am so thankful and blessed to have been able to spend so much time with my grandparents growing up and in some ways being one of the "favorites".  Some kids might think it was the worse thing to do, and we probably did too at the time, but spending two weeks on the farm every summer was one of the greatest gifts we could of ever received.  Grandma would always take Trav & I to town,  and while she got groceries, we got to go to the pool.  Of course, no trip to town was complete without a stop to Goodrich Dairy, she would get milk for the week and we would get Orange Casanova's. Now my favorite was bread fresh out of the oven with a little butter and homemade Blackberry Jam.  Yummy. 

We also learned the lesson that if you got stung by a bee, you should put mud on it.  Now, I don't think Grandma was prepared for the afternoon when Travis & I covered ourselves in mud at the pump house and tried to convenience her that we were stung by bees.  Needless to say we learned garden hose water is quiet cold and it takes a LONG time to dry outside. 

Diamond Lil, I think the most important thing you taught us is to laugh and smile.  Life is too short to do anything else but that!  Love you always!

That Day

Yep, it has just been one of those days.  You know the days that it just seems like one thing after another?  The day that doubt just creeps in so quickly?  That the glass no longer feels half full but either empty or ready to say Fuck It and throw it down and smash it.  It is THAT day.

Let me just start of with that I have had to make some really hard decisions this past month.  They haven't been easy decisions and I haven't talked about them on here.  They are personal and something I have needed to deal with, something I do not want to be judged on.  If you don't know what I am talking about, don't worry, you are not alone, most do not.  Have no fear though, the are ultimate decisions for the best.

So, with that said, my stress level has probably been high and just dealing with things as they came.  I had a wonderful week off with my parents and aunt visiting and just was getting back into a grove of a little less stress.  Now, I must note that yesterday was the first day that I had to work both jobs in two weeks so I know that I was tired. Plus last night I was asked to serve as the Head Cashier since the one scheduled called out.  Obviously that in itself was an honor because there is a lot of responsibility and training that goes with it.  So, to be asked to do it with no training was great.  But, it was also some added stress because I was responsible for all the cashiers, making sure all the registers and money were closed and deposited at the end of the night, etc.  Needless to say, I was extra tired just making sure I got it all done and did it right.

Then today came.  It started as a joke.  Last night we had an upgrade to one of our databases, it was minor, but the calendar had been blocked so no one could be off and it actually had been rescheduled since the original date was set when I was on vacation.  The joke, the boss called out.  Now we know that if I would of done that, I would of either been drug to the office, for certain written up, if not fired.

Then there was a phone call.  Last week I went to see the female doctor for the annual check up.  It was the standard thing with the standard, if your tests results are normal, we will just send you a letter.  If there is anything we need to discuss, well we will call.  Well, they called and as it always happens, I was not at my desk to call back.  Of course, the message says not to worry but ummm, if you are calling you are obviously concerned about something right?  I called back within two minutes and got the nurses voicemail.  And I called back two hours later, same thing.  Called a little later, got the operator, transferred to the nurses station and yup, voicemail.

So, by now my head is spinning.  Now maybe I should clarify that in my 20's, I had pre-cervical cancer changes.  It was treated and every once in awhile something causes a flag and then need to just double check, no problem.  However, my mind was thinking...maybe there is cancer like changes again? But, then there was the full range of STD tests they ran.  I am a single lady and you can never be too careful. What if I have a STD?  What if it is HIV?  Then there was the full wellness blood panel they ran, for cholesterol and all that other fun stuff.  Maybe I have high cholesterol? And because I am my mothers child's, I continued to worry.  I had cancer or HIV, I just knew it.  The best news, by the time I left work at 4:30, the doctors office was closed and they never called back.  I got to sleep on it.

And because I like to worry and stress about things, I was starting to think that things were not right with Chicago, you know my one hope at meeting a normal guy, having a normal dating relationship.  Yeah, well not so much.  I texted him to see what was up and nothing prepared me for the answer I got, especially when I figured I would be seeing him this weekend.  The text....'To be honest, I have been busy but decided to move back to Chicago next month.  My mom has breast cancer and it is tough.  I'd rather be there.  I'm sorry.  Didn't decide till about a week ago and wasn't sure.'  So, that was it.  The end.  My chance at normal and something positive, a turn for the good.

Of course, that happened right before my appointment with Hairdresser.  She knew I was off my game as much as I would like to try and hide it.  :)  But, we just had normal and stayed away from the Chicago conversation while she readjusted my blonde that had fallen.  Well, while I was baking under the lamps, the phone rang...it was the doctor's office.  Thank goodness they opted to stay past 6 tonight to call me.  So, the bright side is that I do not have cancer, do not HIV, do not have any STDs.

However, because I am my Grandmother's granddaughter (my mom said I had to blame her), my blood sugar was higher than they would like to see for someone that had been fasting and had not eaten anything since the night before at supper.  Based upon the conversation with the nurse, for most, they would probably not worry about it and run a follow up test in year.  But given my genes...a grandmother, a mother, a uncle and a brother who all have diabetes, I can't wait.  Just grand.

So, that is my day.  I lost a great thing in a good guy because I always have that luck.  The good ones the timing always seems to be wrong and the bad ones, well they just suck.  Now, I have to deal with the odds of having diabetes.  I know it was one test, but given my genetics the odds are stacked against me and I know that one can live with it, its just a game changer.

Tonight, I just feel alone.  A nameless face behind words.  A person that is tired of fighting.  Tired of trying to do the right thing.  Tired of being in a big state and feeling so small.  Tired of missing out on my families activities.  Tired of not being able to do things with my friends here.  Tired of my phone never ringing.  Just tired of being tired.  Tired of That Day!

And So It Begins....Again

Yep, after having the parentals visit and seeing the success my mom, aunt and cousin have had using Weight Watchers, I decided it was time for me to go back.  The last time I got into those ultra awesome clothes in my closet, some of which still have price tags on them, was when I was on Weight Watchers.

Of course, some of the other inspiration was finding a poster from when I coached at Lincoln High.  It was unbelievable how skinny my face looked, never mind my body.  I'll have to try and post a picture of that tomorrow.  It seems so long ago but really it wasn't.

So, yesterday I saddled up and went to my first Weight Watchers meeting.  Tuesday nights at 6 pm will be my night.  My plan is to always stay for the meetings but since I am also going to start playing softball on Tuesday nights, I will have to skip the meetings if the game is at 6:30 or maybe just go to a different location over lunch.



Week 1



Now my progress tab will be a little skewed than what is on here but I will add my weigh in information to it as I go and Tuesday nights will be my new weigh in.

Today we are on plan.  Now if I can pull that off for three days - we will be making serious progress.

Higher Aspirations

Yes, it is true, I do have aspirations in life. 

Well as been the case for a few weeks now, Vanilla Horndog has been a pain in my tail.  He tries to keep track of what I am doing and likes to text "Are you ready?", which is code for him of I want to get together and have sex. (Sorry mom & aunts...I have had sex before).  I told him no which his response was you will be ready soon enough.  Of course, that just lit a fire under me and pisses me off.  I responded that the only way I was going to be ready is if I was in a relationship with someone and could see them at least once of week.  Of course, he tried to make it seem like I was being mean and that he just enjoyed good sex with me.  Well, never fear...I set him straight and haven't heard from him since then.  I told him that I didn't enjoy time with him but I am no longer going to be the girl that is good enough in bed but not good enough to date (unless you get sex) or be in a relationship with.   Call it wrong, but I have higher aspirations than being just a good lay in bed.  I am not sure if it was pointing out the lack of dating or my aspiration but haven't heard from him since then.  Boys.

Then there is the bright side of the story.  The new guy.  This one might have a chance to be around for awhile.  Per DC, he will be named Chicago.  LOL...personally I think since she is off today that her brain is soft.  (Luv ya girl!)  In any event, we have gone out twice now.  He has been in Austin a little over a year, moving here from Chicago.  He took a job for his friend that also moved here with his family and works as a Lobbyist for the Retired Teachers Association.  I understand enough to know they handle a lot of the retirement funds.  In true fashion, he also meets my tall definition and only stands at 6'4".  He played college basketball at Sourthern Illinois.

Last night I went to his apartment and we played Bocce Ball.  He lives in an apartment community owned by Jerry Jones and let's just say that, like the Cowboys stadium, it is over the top.  There are 9 pools, a fitness center that even offers classes, and among other things two Bocce Ball courts.  We had a lot of fun playing until the sunset and the lights were turned off.  :(  Afterwards we watched the NFL football game and relaxed.  So, if all continues to go well, we might have some Chicago stories in the future!

On a completely seperate note, I stepped on the scale today (I know I should do that every day!) but I finally hit my first 10 lbs lost.  Of course now I just need to hold on until next week for it to become OFFICIAL.

My progress

Or should I say, lack of progress.

My Big 0.2% Loss and 0.5% Gain

It took an email from Runner this week to clear up my vision of what I need to do. She probably doesn't even realize that she provided such clarity for me. It was just a simple question, “are you doing weight watchers online”? The answer was no. But, it sunk in. Here is my friend that does training for triathlons and she still needs focus and accountability. I need it to.

The bad news is that the timing is wrong to join WW again, online or for meetings. However, I will be going back to the meetings as soon as I can make it work. But, in the meantime, I have the tools I need and have made use of them. Yesterday I started journaling my food! Obviously not something big, but for me it was huge.

Now, I know I shouldn’t weigh in every day but I wanted to know my starting weight was when I journal. Yesterday, I was at 185.6. Today, I was at 184.2. I believe that says something for me and what I need to do. So, today I am back at it again. Hopefully next week’s progress will be even better.

The other incentive is the 108 degree temps finally left us and it is actually nice out again – well at least 92 degree nice and walks are enjoyable.

Until later.

Prayers!

This is some of the scene from Austin this past Holiday weekend. While most of my friends and family in Nebraska were enjoying beautiful weather and family BBQ's, life in Austin was forever changing. Thoughts and prayers go out to so many impacted that I can't even put into words what life is like right now.

All summer long, Texas has been stuck in this miserable weather pattern of scorching heat and absolutely no rain. In July, only two days were under 100 and I think we had one day under a 100 in August with a number over the 105 mark. It has just been unbearable. The animals are starving. Water mains are breaking because of the large cracks in the ground. Water restrictions are in place. It is just unimaginable.

Then the true unimaginable has happened. A small spark has ignited fires all over Austin and the surrounding areas. It smells like someone is having a campfire when you walk out the door. Unfortunately, it is just a reminder that it is another house lost, another part of someone’s life a memory.
I remember the devastation of the F5 Tornado that ripped through Hallam and what was left of that town. However, the Bastrop fire, well it is well beyond that level and everything that has come in its bath is left scorched. I do not know how one community recovers from it. FEMA has come in to offer assistance today. So far, over 600 homes have been lost in all the fires around Austin, with almost 500 of them coming from the Bastrop Community.
So, I ask you, if you are reading this today, please prayer for these families that are impacted. As of this afternoon, the Bastrop fire is not contained. Prayer for those that have lost everything. Prayer for the fire fighters and emergency personnel that are fighting these fires. Prayer that God brings this state rain soon to provide us a much needed break!
If you want to learn more of how many fires are ongoing around Austin, please use this link:
http://www.kxan.com/dpp/news/information-on-fires-in-central-texas


You can also see some amazing viewer photos from this link as well:
http://www.kvue.com/news/Wildfires-More-viewer-photos-129277328.html?gallery=y&img=0&c=y#gallery-image

The Heart Wants What the Heart Wants

Relationships suck!  Or at least they do for me.  Urrrgggghhhh!!

So I don't know if I blogged but Vanilla Horndog has been back in touch again because he and his girlfriend didn't work out.  Whatever.  I am so guarded with him because it stung like no other when he started dating her.  But, at the same time, I like the guy.  I can't say that I have a "type" of guy that I look for, although I will say that almost all of them are tall.  :)  With that said, Vanilla Horndog just has those qualities that I look for, well expect me being a priority.  We click.

So, ironically yesterday he called me later in the day.  He had to call me back because he had another call he had to take.  In any event, he asked if I had to work last night or if I could of went out for drinks.  I told him I didn't work but couldn't of gone because I had other plans.  It was like this jealous side came out when he found out I had a date.  Wanted to know who he was, where I met him, how long we have been dating, etc.  Never seen this side from him before.  It was cute but oh so frustrating.

Now, as for the date.  This was the first date with a new guy that has yet to be named.  I have determined that they have to have a few dates before DC gets the chance to name them. He was a nice guy and all but my mind couldn't let go of the jealousy that Vanilla Horndog had over it. 

I know, I know, he had his chance move on, that is what my mind tells me.  But the heart and the other part of the mind tells me something different.  Of course, Vanilla Horndog is texting me this morning wanting me to know how the date went.  Uggh.

Why can't matters of the heart be easy for once?

Morning Person

I am not!

I am pretty sure that if you asked my mom, there is no doubt in her mind that I am not a morning person.  I think that anyone that knows me accepts this fact.  This morning, it was really clear.

I was tired, I admit it.  But, I never realized how anti mornings I was until today.  On my way in to work I noticed the lady in the car next to me on the phone.  She was laughing, smiling and looked like she was enjoying her conversation.  In my mind, all I could think of is why the hell would anyone be on a call this early in the morning.  (It was 7:30 btw).  I mean why would you call someone and laugh and joke like that so early.  I avoid the phone and pray and doesn't ring in the morning.  Most communication with me better be via text.  Even when I am running late, I text my boss rather than call.  LOL

I suppose the next thing I need to do is change my Lowe's schedule...something tells me that me working at 6 am on a Saturday is NOT going to be a good idea for any customers.

45 Lessons Life Taught Me

I was sent this by my cousin today and felt it was something that was just worth sharing with all!  Enjoy!

                                                                                                                                           

Written by Regina Brett, 90 years old, of the Plain Dealer, Cleveland , Ohio ..

"To celebrate growing older, I once wrote the 45 lessons life taught me.  It is the most requested column I've ever written.

My odometer rolled over to 90 in August, so here is the column once more:

1. Life isn't fair, but it's still good..
2. When in doubt, just take the next small step.
3. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone.
4. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends and parents will. Stay in touch.
5. Pay off your credit cards every month.
6. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.
7. Cry with someone. It's more healing than crying alone.
8. It's OK to get angry with God. He can take it.
9. Save for retirement starting with your first paycheck.
10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.
11. Make peace with your past so it won't screw up the present.
12. It's OK to let your children see you cry.
13. Don't compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.
14. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn't be in it.
15.. Everything can change in the blink of an eye. But don't worry; God never blinks.
16. Take a deep breath It calms the mind.
17. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful.
18. Whatever doesn't kill you really does make you stronger.
19. It's never too late to have a happy childhood. But the second one is up to you and no one else.
20. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don't take no for an answer.
21. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie. Don't save it for a special occasion. Today is special.
22. Over prepare, then go with the flow.
23. Be eccentric now. Don't wait for old age to wear purple.
24. The most important sex organ is the brain.
25. No one is in charge of your happiness but you.
26. Frame every so-called disaster with these words :'In five years, will this matter?'
27. Always choose life..
28. Forgive everyone everything.
29. What other people think of you is none of your business.
30. Time heals almost everything. Give time time.
31. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.
32. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.
33. Believe in miracles.
34. God loves you because of who God is, not because of anything you did or didn't do.
35. Don't audit life.. Show up and make the most of it now.
36. Growing old beats the alternative -- dying young.
37. Your children get only one childhood.
38. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.
39. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.
40. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else's, we'd grab ours back.
41. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.
42. The best is yet to come...
43. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.
44. Yield.
45. Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift."

Journey

For a long time I have been wanting a new tattoo. Actually, two of them. One of them I wanted to get was the Chinese character for Strength on the back of my wrist. The other one was to be on my foot, footprints with the Chinese character for Courage.


Well, Saturday during my friends pool party, we got to talking about tattoos and the "Do it" chant was on and I just decided I was ready, I wanted to get one. Of course, the beauty of making that decision with friends means that they can give advice on how and what it should look like. One of the challenges is that I was struggling to find the correct translation for the word courage in Chinese. I didn't want it to be something totally wrong and end up with something that was totally wrong. That said, I think that the majority of individuals agreed, I just need to put the word itself and not the symbol.

So off to the Tattoo parlor we went. I opted to do the one on my foot and not the strength one. So my left foot has now forever been branded.

I think that for anyone that knows me, no explanation needs to be given on the meaning behind it.  I have faced a number of challenges in life that have required not only courage but faith to get through them.  The footprints, well they are the Footprints in the Sand - God definitely carried me through some of those darkest hours.  Courage, well, some mornings it took a lot of Courage just to put the two feet on the ground and hope for the best.  God was with me through it all but sometimes you have to make those choices that may be tough at the time and hope those are the choices God wanted you to make.

I know that my Journey is not done yet but I now have this reminder of where I am going and why.  

Deliciousness

So this is by far becoming my new favorite recipe.  I LOVE, luv, LUV how the house smells with it and never mind that they are tasty, moist, delicious and kinda healthy!  The original recipe called for 1 1/2 c all-purpose flour but I opted for wheat flour instead.  Based upon the ingredients...it 317 cal, 5g protein, 39g carb, 2g fiber.

So - maybe not the best for you but they are good!  Hope you enjoy them as much as I do!!!!

1 1/2 c wheat flour

1/2 c brown sugar

1 tsp baking powder

1/2 tsp baking soda

1/4 tsp salt

1 c mashed ripe banana

1 lg egg

1/4 c 50/50 butter blend spread (suggested Smart Balance)

1/4 c 1% Buttermilk

3 Tbsp canola oil

1 tsp vanilla extract

1/3 c + 2 T chopped walnuts

1.  Heat oven to 350*F.  Coat 8 cups of a standard size muffing pan with cooking spray.

2.  Whisk flour, sugar, baking powder, baking soda, and salt in bowl.

3.  Mix banana, egg, spread, buttermilk, oil, and vanilla extract in large bowl until smooth.  Gradually add flour mixture and stir until blended.  Add 1/3 cup of the walnuts and mix thoroughly.

4.  Fill muffin cups three-quarters full.  Sprinkle remaining 2 tablespoons walnuts over tops.

5.  Bake until a wooden pick instered into center of muffin comes out clean, 15 to 20 minutes.

Day 1 & Checkpoint

Have you ever tried to make a change of some type and not refer to the first day of the change as the Start Date, the Starting point or any other reference to Start? It is unbelievably difficult. I don't even know if Day 1 is really the right use of words, but it was the best I could come up with without using the word Start.




So, on Day 1 here is where I am starting. I realize that it is just a number on the scale, but it is what I have to start with. I'll add some measurements later tonight so I can also have them as another method of tracking.

I don't really have an end goal in mind when doing this; I just want to be healthier. I want to be able to wear all of those cute clothes that I have in my closet versus the small amount I can fit into. I even want to be able to at least get into those dresses that the SkinnyBiotch really despises that I still have in my closet and finds a friendship hard knowing I have them. (Luv ya Girl!)

So, the end date for all of this is the last day of my life. So, really not clear on when that will be. With that in mind, I have a few random check points and will continue to add a new one as each one passes. I refuse to see these checkpoints as a Finish but as a point that I can see how I am progressing.

With that in mind, the first two check points are:

September 13
October 8
October 22

Here we go focus…I already feel healthy!

Also - on a bright note, I am getting a random day off from Lowe's in my schedule.  So, next day off....August 28th.  So exciting for me!

No more Starting

Today I was reading a blog by one of the ATX-100's.  If you don't know what ATX 100s is, it is a group that is made up of Austinites that have over 100 pounds to lose and their end goal is to compete in the Cap-Tex 10k next year.  Joe Bacon pointed out something that I never really thought of in that terms but it makes perfect sense and make me think about what I am doing. 

I don’t think of this as a START, because a START has a FINISH.

Click Here to see Joe's blog

 

How true are those words.  Look at when I "started" training for the Nike Women's Marathon - I was in the best shape of my life.  Then the injury happened, the finish line disappeared and I stopped.  Then there was the Triathlons.  While I might not of been in a peak shape, there was the start of training and when I crossed the finish line, the training ended. 

Is your life a series of Starts & Finishes?  Do you Start to lose weight today?  What happens when you "Finish" your journey or something causes the Finish line to disappear?  I know that I cannot be alone in the blurred Finish line.

So there is no more tomorrow I start, next week I start.  Today is the first day of the rest of my life.  If I truly need a finish line - then I suppose the finish line shall be the last day of my life.  The bright side is that I don't know when that day will come.  So, until then, I need to keep trudging ahead and realize that I will make mistakes along the way, will have set backs along the way and just need to dust myself off and get moving and focus on what I want in life. 

Of course, I say this and realize that step one would be to eat healthy, exercise, and focus on pushing through the debt.  I can eat healthy the rest of the day!  That is an easy one.  Now, for exercise - it has to wait until tomorrow.  I have to work today at Lowe's so no extra time for exercise.  The debt - well I am working both jobs today - so getting rid of it I will!

Even though I will have no more starts or finishes, I am starting my count down today....25 days.  Yep, 25 days until my next day off.  I always try to get a day off scheduled where I do nothing and some how I just didn't get that done this month like I should of.  So, when it is said and done with, I will have worked one or both jobs for 35 days straight.  I picked up an extra shift yesterday at Lowe's and lets just say leaving at 7 am and getting home at 10:30 at night three days in a row makes for a tired cookie!

Something New

Well, off on a new adventure or at least looking into the possibility of one.  So Tuesday I was in a pretty blah mood and just anti-everything.  I think we all have those days.  Maybe I shouldn't put them into words, but I do.  It works for me. 

Right now I am reading The Cheapskate Next Door by Jeff Yeager.  I know I am weird and that I like reading these finance books!  Someday I will tell my full story and when it is said and done, let's just say that you will be amazed at where I was and where I stand today.  Who knows, maybe I can start counseling others on how to get out of debt!  Anyway - it is really good book and if you can read self-help books, I suggest looking into it. 

As you probably recall, I am in the process of blasting debt out of my life.  I see a zero balance with one of my credit cards in the next month.  Today I made another payment on it and all that remains is $50.  So far this year I have paid off 10% of my debt.  To me, doing this solo, that number is huge.  I of course I  have to thank my WIRR friends (Click Here to learn more) for keeping me motivated and encouraged. 

As I was discussing with mama last night, between Lowe's and NFP, I have enough money to live, pay my bills and blast my debt.  However, when it comes to extra things I want to do, it requires serious penny pinching to do it with cash and I think that is the part that makes me feel strapped right now.  For example, I know that I probably need at least $350 to have the ceiling fans installed in my house.  NODIY guy said that he would do it for $50 a fan (5 fans) and then whatever parts he would need.  Needless to say - I have to scrimp and save to get that.  I also need new tires on my car if I am going to come back to Nebraska at Christmas.  Again, scrimping and saving to get it done.  It stinks.  Of course, it probably feels even more difficult just because my electricity and water bills are higher right now thank you to Mother Nature.  I know I should feel blessed that the electricity is only running about $150 considering it has been over 100 degrees every day, but it is hard.

So, with that said, yesterday I posted an ad on Craigslist to get a roommate.  Not something that I HAVE to do or really want to do.  However, it will definitely help me feel more relaxed on things and help cover some of those other things I want to get done as well as help blast the debt even faster!!  So my friends at WIRR are giving me great advise on background checks, leases, etc so I am pretty positive that things will work out okay and no one needs to worry.  Plus, as I told momma, I don't HAVE to have the extra money so I can take as long as I would like to find the perfect roommate!

Have a great weekend y'all!

New Day

Why is it that when you have a rough day, go to bed early and you still wake up feeling like you never slept?  I was in bed early, finished reading a book and then turned out the lights early.  When the alarm went off at 5:15 for me to go running - it didn't happen and I shut it off.  If it hadn't been for Finn whinning to go out - I might still be in bed but instead - I was just late since it was 6:24 am when he was whinning.  Of course, I just feel tired and lethargic and of course am in no mood to put up with any crap from anyone.  Poor guy - don't call and bitch at me for the first 5 minutes and expect attitude back.  My favorite was when he told me not to treat him like a 3rd Grader but then procceeds to say "What Next?" when it prompts him for his name and email address.  Wasn't it in the 1st grade when they taught us to write our name next to the Name:                 ?

I suppose there is hope for tomorrow.

Oooopsss

I was doing so good on blogging and then, well, I guess I just fell of the planet.  

Oh it has been such a mixed bag of emotions these days and sometimes I just wish I could curl up in a ball and just wake back up when life was normal again.  That things were easy, carefree and I had it all.  Sometimes, on the outside I know I look like I have it all together, but on the inside I feel like it is all falling apart and I wish I could undo things.  Where do I even begin to tell the story at?  It is going to be a long one so grab your coffee because you just might need it.

Work, that thing that you have to do every day, that you should spend half of your waking hours at, that place you should love to go to.  I know that if you asked me a couple of years ago, while some things weren't perfect, I loved my job and loved what I do.  Today, I just feel like it is another anchor around my ankles.  My boss and I butt heads to the 10th degree on everything.  The favoritism was so unbelievable before I went on vacation it was insane.  Never mind him going postal on me because my dog needed an emergency vet appointment and I wouldn't be in the office to cover phones while he was in a meeting.  (It is important to note that the following day we both were in the same meeting and we would have the same coverage issues.)  Of course, it takes me  saying the discrimination in an email about treatment by him to his boss that makes things some what tolerable.  Funny how one word makes others take notice. Maybe part of it is me bringing it on myself and that what I do today does not require a college degree, it has changed so much from when I first started and it doesn't require any thought and just requires patience, something I lack at.  I won't even get into how I still make less today than I did when I left Nebraska in 2007.  I know I said I was okay with the pay cut and having a better boss, but I don't think I imagined it being 2011 and still making less than what I did four years ago.

Maybe it is Lowe's and just being burned out from working all the time.  But, I have to do it, I don't have a choice in the matter.  Without Lowe's, I couldn't pay the bills.  Unfortunately it is a necessary evil.  I have tried to make friends there but the drama that comes with it, it just isn't worth it.  Don't get me wrong, there are good people there but I always feel like I some how get sucked back into the drama of the others around them.  I wish I didn't have to work there, but I do and don't have a choice.  I need to be happy about going in to work instead of listening to people complain about things that go on there.  If I just go in, do my job and leave, I appear to be bitchy/snooty.  But, when you work seven days a week, where else can you make friends?  I have some at the other job and maybe I just need to make more of an effort there.  At least they tend to be drama free or if there is drama, it is a different kind.  

I miss my friends back home and the way things use to be.  Of course, I know that if I go back home, things won't be the same as they were.  It so hard to believe that when I moved here in 2007 on of my best friends and I were so close to being the in the same place.  Both were in relationships, both saw marriage in our future.  Today, how far apart we are....I am no closer to marriage than the day I went to college.  She on the other hand is married, happy has two beautiful kids and I don't hear from her because she has the "perfect" life.  

Sometimes I want to scream why me?  Why couldn't life be easy for me?  Why does God constantly throw things road blocks up at me?  I was a good kid in high school.  I got good grades, stayed out of trouble and I just don't know.  Sure I rebelled a bit when I got to college but I think we all did.  Then there was the sexual assault, I mean why did a bad choice on my part cause that to happen?  Didn't God know I was saving myself and that wasn't how I wanted to lose my virginity?  

Maybe that has jaded me.  Maybe that one event will define the rest of my life.  I hope not but look where I am.  As much as I have dealt with it, went to counseling on it, think I am over it, I still feel it haunts me and my relationships.  I grew up in a great family, with tons of love, support, kids and just a great sense of family values and there was nothing that I ever wanted more in life to have that.  Now, here I am 37 years old and watching the days pass on that that opportunity. The guys I meet are either only interested in sex or one of us isn't into the other.

I always think I am okay, that I just trudge along, people think I am rock strong and then it takes just little things to send me into a tail spin.  I have officially become the last one from my college softball team that has never been married and has no kids.  Me!  I just don't get how it ended up being me?  It sucks, 100%.  I know, you'll say you don't need a man to make you happy, they can bring problems, blah, blah blah.  Do this, for an entire week, go home to yourself every day and don't talk to anyone unless you call them.  Fix dinner for one.  Do all the cleaning.  Do all the laundry.  Yard Work.  Exercise.  It sucks! Now imagine doing that day in and day out for years.  

I know that when I came back from my vacation I was home sick.  Part of me didn't want to leave but part of me was ready to come back.  I love my family to death and love spending time with them.  I love spending time with my little man and am happy that my brother is so happy.  But then again, it sometimes feels like a dagger and a reminder of the perfect life.  So much has changed that I know if I moved back it wouldn't be the same.  My friends have all changed.  I have changed.  I can't get back what I had and can't go back in time.  Before anyone says just move back, it isn't possible.  I have a house now.  A house that lost all of the equity in it the past two years because prices continue to drop.  Now because of our lovely leaders, interest rates will go up and it would be even harder to sell.  No thank you.

Sometimes I just wish I could hit the backspace key and just do parts of life over again.  Would I go back all the way to college and undo that one night?  I don't know.  But sometimes I really wonder what life would of been had I just listened to my family and understand they only wanted the best for me when they pushed leaving the EX.  But I didn't.  I walked away from a job that paid well, from a softball organization I built, from a head varsity coaching job, from a great support system of family and friends all because I found love.  I wish I realized back then that love shouldn't come at the cost of all that and if it is real love, it wouldn't cost you anything, it enhances things.

I am sure come a day, a week or a month from now, I wish I could do the back space key on this post.  But it is how I feel today.  I don't have it all together right now.  My puzzle is all jumbled up and nothing seems to fit.  I know that in the days and weeks to come, the pieces will start coming together but today I just can't see how it is going to work.  I am tired.  I am tired of trying my hardiest and working my tail off and feeling like I just am not getting anywhere.  I am tired of feeling like I have to give up this or that just so I can save enough money for tires for my car or someone to put ceiling fans in my house.  I just need life and God to give me a break for a long time!

And friends, when I don't come running to help with your personal problems, please don't be mad!  I just need a break from being the rock, the go to person for advise for awhile.  I need a rock to stabilize me for a change.  I need to time to figure out me and not seeking out the approval of people in unhealthy ways.  I just need to "re"rock myself.

That's all for today.

Blogging Project - Day 17

Highs & Lows of This Past Year

Funny how this one just happens to fall or at least I get to, right after the drama of Monday. However, at the end of the day, really Monday's drama didn't bother me. Based upon Facebook, I gathered that some people thought I questioned the fact that I was 37, single and no kids. In reality, I don't. Does it bother me some days? Absolutely! Does it define me? Not really. I know that with my history in life, the fact that I stand before you today, right where I am, that is a HUGE win for me. Most would of crumbed and gave up on life a long time ago. I am sure like the rest of the individuals out there, there are going to be good days and there are going to be bad days, but I will get through them. God's plan in there and everything will fall into place when the time is right.

 

So my highs for the past year, I would probably say there are two. First is Maddox. I mean - how can you not LOVE this guy? He is a doll and I can't wait to see him in a few weeks. I hope he still knows who Auntie Jenn is; it has been forever since I have Skyped with them. Then again, he probably wouldn't sit still for it anyway. The other high for me was having all the company at Thanksgiving time at my house. It probably doesn't seem like a big deal to have your parents and brother's family visit, but it was huge for me. It was the first trip that my brother made and hope that I don't have to wait another 3 years for it. It is hard when you move so far away from family and friends. Everyone wants to know when you are coming home and going to see them, but very few have made plans to see me. I am forever grateful to the ones that have come to visit, even multiple times! I can attest that that route from Nebraska to Texas flows both directions. It is hard to hear about how great of vacations everyone takes but then I don't think they realize that in order to honor their request to come see them, it requires me to use my vacation time to go to Nebraska - not some place new that I want to see. I digress - sorry.

I think my biggest low this past year has just been my job. When I started here 4 years ago, I was so happy and loved what I was doing. I was in a proactive position versus reacting. I didn't get someone complain or whining on a daily basis. I won't get into the people that are upset and just plain rude. It wears on a person after awhile and I know that it impacts how I do my job. I was warned about the good 'ole boys club before I moved down here and while I wanted to believe it didn't exist, it has shown its ugly head more and more this past year. I mean, in one week I closed 66 tickets of the teams 73. You do the math. But then, when I assign a ticket to someone because they choose to ignore it for a hour before anyone came in, we get yelled at. Whatever. I am so over this job and ready to move on. I want something that challenges me and not a job that someone with a high school degree could do. Or one where one person does 75% of the work and the rest get promoted and raises because they are in the "guys club".

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I was blessed last night in that it was a "quiet" night. I left work a little bit early so I could run the Soda tabs over to the Ronald McDonald house from work. I love visiting this place and really hope that one day I can do more volunteering there, it is such a great cause. I got home and caught up on Y&R. I had told myself that I wasn't going to watch it to the weekend but I was so exhausted with all the drama from the day before and the weekend, I just needed couch time! I finally headed out for a run around 8:15 with the dogs, when it had finally "cooled" off. I think it was in the low 90s at that point. I do believe that I will freeze when I get to Nebraska in a few weeks. I mean, this morning it was 81 at 7 am. I don't know if the high is that there. LOL. The good news is that I just barely missed my 11 minute mile! So, hopefully tomorrow I can hit that. I was going to try and run this morning but the snooze guy one out! Have a great Wednesday!